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Best & Worst ’10: THEO’S BOTTOM 5 OF 2010

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If there is anything that I enjoy as much as a great horror film it is an entertainingly bad one. There is something charming, and often times engaging about a B-Horror film that is so outlandishly bad that it is, well, good. But unfortunately for the following 5 films on this list they were so mind numbingly, gut wrenchingly, and unapologetically bad that they couldn’t even achieve that status. You can paint a turd gold, but in the end it’s still a turd, and you can try and sell your movie with overly produced money shots in a series of halfhearted trailers, annoyingly intricate viral campaigns, or stuff it full of respectable industry icons…but ya ain’t fooling anybody. Your movie sucks. And I call B.S. Read on for the skinny…

Mr. Disgusting (Best/Worst) | Ryan Daley (Best/Worst) | David Harley (Best/Worst)
BC (Best/Worst) | Micah (Best/Worst) | Keenan (Best/Worst) | Theo (Best/Worst)
Best One Sheets | Worst One Sheets
Most Memorable Moments | Top Trailers | Memorable Quotes

THEO’S BOTTOM 5 OF 2010

5. 30 Days of Night: Dark Days (October 5; Sony Stage 6)


Back in 2007, when the film adaptation of Steve Niles’ illustrated cult classic “30 DAYS OF NIGHT” hit the big screen I considered it one of the best vampires flicks of the decade. The film was atmospheric, engaging, entertaining, and full of interesting character actors. (Here’s looking at you Ben Foster) But the 2010 direct to DVD follow-up was anything but, and the first red flag should have been the recasting of all of the first films key players. But instead of taking my own advice and avoiding the flick entirely I went out, got a pizza, fired up the Redbox, and took the surefire dud home with me. The results were plenty of eye rolling, my fair share of dozing off, and a healthy portion of “Why the fuck do I do this to myself?”.

4. My Soul to Take (October 9; Universal Pictures/Rogue)


I just about wish that I could leave this one off of here out of respect for Wes Craven alone, but when something is bad, it’s bad. I think that we were all hoping that the horror legends return (and debut in 3D. Yawn.) to the big screen with an original horror picture would be more akin to “SCREAM” than it would be “CURSED”. Unfortunately we weren’t so lucky, and if the terrible box office showing was any sort of barometer for the quality of the film itself, then it is safe to say that no one was buying into the hype. So now that only leaves one thing to be said: let’s just hope “SCREAM 4” isn’t as disappointing. Fingers crossed.

3. Case 39 (October 1; Paramount Pictures)


I’ll make the embarrassing confession that I actually spent money on not just ONE ticket to this incoherent mess from Misher Films, but TWO tickets as I blindly walked into a modestly inhabited theater one drizzly night this Fall with my girlfriend. I thought, as I bought these two tickets, “Hey, it has Ian McShane in it. He was in `DEADWOOD’. I loved him in that. How bad can it be?’. Boy, was I wrong. From the second we sat down there was not one 5 minute period that myself and my date didn’t look over at one another and contemplate ditching the wasted $20 endeavor entirely and going to the nearest greasy diner in order to hopefully blow an artery and forget the entire 109(!!!) minute long snooze fest. Sadly, we sat through every second. And THAT my friends might just be even more embarrassing a feat than spending the money on the tickets in the first place.

2. A Nightmare on Elm Street (April 30; New Line Cinema)


Oh Sam Bayer…what more can be said about your soulless, heartless, master class in how to butcher a fan beloved classic franchise that hasn’t already been said? I’ll be honest: you had me fooled. You actually had me sitting down in a crowded theater at midnight on a Thursday evening, (9 hours before I had to be into work I might add) with an overpriced combo #3, and my vintage Freddy t-shirt on my back, ready to watch what I thought would be a disappointing, but passable attempt to reinvent Craven’s 80s classic. Unfortunately what I got was shoddy FX, a mind numbingly boring Rooney Mara, and enough plot holes to make even the most embarrassed members of the BP board blush. You didn’t help yourself with your unapologetic comments about your clusterfuck mess of a film to fans afterwards, and I can honestly say that the ONLY good thing to come out of that theater going experience was buying both Fright-Rags `Dream Editions’ from my phone during the movie.

1. The Graves (January 29; After Dark Films)


And then there is Afterdark Horror Fest’s stinker to rule all Afterdark Horror Fest stinkers – “THE GRAVES”. Everything from the high school drama club caliber acting, to the paper-thin `plot’, combined to make for one of the absolute worst Redbox rentals I have ever bared witness to. Never before have I regretted so harshly a decision to spend a hard earned dollar on a film that could have just as easily gone to buying a delicious double cheeseburger had I just walked the extra 20 feet to the counter at my local McDonalds. But alas, there was no going back, and even with a handful of cameos from some genre icons I simply cannot be any more harsh on this film. “THE GRAVES” sucks. Period. And if you find a copy of this at your local rental store or Best Buy I implore you to `drop’ it on the floor `on accident’ and treat it like you would a cockroach you found crawling around your pantry, because that is the only enjoyment to be had from this stinker.

Editorials

What’s Wrong with My Baby!? Larry Cohen’s ‘It’s Alive’ at 50

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Netflix It's Alive

Soon after the New Hollywood generation took over the entertainment industry, they started having children. And more than any filmmakers that came before—they were terrified. Rosemary’s Baby (1968), The Exorcist (1973), The Omen (1976), Eraserhead (1977), The Brood (1979), The Shining (1980), Possession (1981), and many others all deal, at least in part, with the fears of becoming or being a parent. What if my child turns out to be a monster? is corrupted by some evil force? or turns out to be the fucking Antichrist? What if I screw them up somehow, or can’t help them, or even go insane and try to kill them? Horror has always been at its best when exploring relatable fears through extreme circumstances. A prime example of this is Larry Cohen’s 1974 monster-baby movie It’s Alive, which explores the not only the rollercoaster of emotions that any parent experiences when confronted with the difficulties of raising a child, but long-standing questions of who or what is at fault when something goes horribly wrong.

Cohen begins making his underlying points early in the film as Frank Davis (John P. Ryan) discusses the state of the world with a group of expectant fathers in a hospital waiting room. They discuss the “overabundance of lead” in foods and the environment, smog, and pesticides that only serve to produce roaches that are “bigger, stronger, and harder to kill.” Frank comments that this is “quite a world to bring a kid into.” This has long been a discussion point among people when trying to decide whether to have kids or not. I’ve had many conversations with friends who have said they feel it’s irresponsible to bring children into such a violent, broken, and dangerous world, and I certainly don’t begrudge them this. My wife and I did decide to have children but that doesn’t mean that it’s been easy.

Immediately following this scene comes It’s Alive’s most famous sequence in which Frank’s wife Lenore (Sharon Farrell) is the only person left alive in her delivery room, the doctors clawed and bitten to death by her mutant baby, which has escaped. “What does my baby look like!? What’s wrong with my baby!?” she screams as nurses wheel her frantically into a recovery room. The evening that had begun with such joy and excitement at the birth of their second child turned into a nightmare. This is tough for me to write, but on some level, I can relate to this whiplash of emotion. When my second child was born, they came about five weeks early. I’ll use the pronouns “they/them” for privacy reasons when referring to my kids. Our oldest was still very young and went to stay with my parents and we sped off to the hospital where my wife was taken into an operating room for an emergency c-section. I was able to carry our newborn into the NICU (natal intensive care unit) where I was assured that this was routine for all premature births. The nurses assured me there was nothing to worry about and the baby looked big and healthy. I headed to where my wife was taken to recover to grab a few winks assuming that everything was fine. Well, when I awoke, I headed back over to the NICU to find that my child was not where I left them. The nurse found me and told me that the baby’s lungs were underdeveloped, and they had to put them in a special room connected to oxygen tubes and wires to monitor their vitals.

It’s difficult to express the fear that overwhelmed me in those moments. Everything turned out okay, but it took a while and I’m convinced to this day that their anxiety struggles spring from these first weeks of life. As our children grew, we learned that two of the three were on the spectrum and that anxiety, depression, ADHD, and OCD were also playing a part in their lives. Parents, at least speaking for myself, can’t help but blame themselves for the struggles their children face. The “if only” questions creep in and easily overcome the voices that assure us that it really has nothing to do with us. In the film, Lenore says, “maybe it’s all the pills I’ve been taking that brought this on.” Frank muses aloud about how he used to think that Frankenstein was the monster, but when he got older realized he was the one that made the monster. The aptly named Frank is wondering if his baby’s mutation is his fault, if he created the monster that is terrorizing Los Angeles. I have made plenty of “if only” statements about myself over the years. “If only I hadn’t had to work so much, if only I had been around more when they were little.” Mothers may ask themselves, “did I have a drink, too much coffee, or a cigarette before I knew I was pregnant? Was I too stressed out during the pregnancy?” In other words, most parents can’t help but wonder if it’s all their fault.

At one point in the film, Frank goes to the elementary school where his baby has been sighted and is escorted through the halls by police. He overhears someone comment about “screwed up genes,” which brings about age-old questions of nature vs. nurture. Despite the voices around him from doctors and detectives that say, “we know this isn’t your fault,” Frank can’t help but think it is, and that the people who try to tell him it isn’t really think it’s his fault too. There is no doubt that there is a hereditary element to the kinds of mental illness struggles that my children and I deal with. But, and it’s a bit but, good parenting goes a long way in helping children deal with these struggles. Kids need to know they’re not alone, a good parent can provide that, perhaps especially parents that can relate to the same kinds of struggles. The question of nature vs. nurture will likely never be entirely answered but I think there’s more than a good chance that “both/and” is the case. Around the midpoint of the film, Frank agrees to disown the child and sign it over for medical experimentation if caught or killed. Lenore and the older son Chris (Daniel Holzman) seek to nurture and teach the baby, feeling that it is not a monster, but a member of the family.

It’s Alive takes these ideas to an even greater degree in the fact that the Davis Baby really is a monster, a mutant with claws and fangs that murders and eats people. The late ’60s and early ’70s also saw the rise in mass murderers and serial killers which heightened the nature vs. nurture debate. Obviously, these people were not literal monsters but human beings that came from human parents, but something had gone horribly wrong. Often the upbringing of these killers clearly led in part to their antisocial behavior, but this isn’t always the case. It’s Alive asks “what if a ‘monster’ comes from a good home?” In this case is it society, environmental factors, or is it the lead, smog, and pesticides? It is almost impossible to know, but the ending of the film underscores an uncomfortable truth—even monsters have parents.

As the film enters its third act, Frank joins the hunt for his child through the Los Angeles sewers and into the L.A. River. He is armed with a rifle and ready to kill on sight, having divorced himself from any relationship to the child. Then Frank finds his baby crying in the sewers and his fatherly instincts take over. With tears in his eyes, he speaks words of comfort and wraps his son in his coat. He holds him close, pats and rocks him, and whispers that everything is going to be okay. People often wonder how the parents of those who perform heinous acts can sit in court, shed tears, and defend them. I think it’s a complex issue. I’m sure that these parents know that their child has done something evil, but that doesn’t change the fact that they are still their baby. Your child is a piece of yourself formed into a whole new human being. Disowning them would be like cutting off a limb, no matter what they may have done. It doesn’t erase an evil act, far from it, but I can understand the pain of a parent in that situation. I think It’s Alive does an exceptional job placing its audience in that situation.

Despite the serious issues and ideas being examined in the film, It’s Alive is far from a dour affair. At heart, it is still a monster movie and filled with a sense of fun and a great deal of pitch-black humor. In one of its more memorable moments, a milkman is sucked into the rear compartment of his truck as red blood mingles with the white milk from smashed bottles leaking out the back of the truck and streaming down the street. Just after Frank agrees to join the hunt for his baby, the film cuts to the back of an ice cream truck with the words “STOP CHILDREN” emblazoned on it. It’s a movie filled with great kills, a mutant baby—created by make-up effects master Rick Baker early in his career, and plenty of action—and all in a PG rated movie! I’m telling you, the ’70s were wild. It just also happens to have some thoughtful ideas behind it as well.

Which was Larry Cohen’s specialty. Cohen made all kinds of movies, but his most enduring have been his horror films and all of them tackle the social issues and fears of the time they were made. God Told Me To (1976), Q: The Winged Serpent (1982), and The Stuff (1985) are all great examples of his socially aware, low-budget, exploitation filmmaking with a brain and It’s Alive certainly fits right in with that group. Cohen would go on to write and direct two sequels, It Lives Again (aka It’s Alive 2) in 1978 and It’s Alive III: Island of the Alive in 1987 and is credited as a co-writer on the 2008 remake. All these films explore the ideas of parental responsibility in light of the various concerns of the times they were made including abortion rights and AIDS.

Fifty years after It’s Alive was initially released, it has only become more relevant in the ensuing years. Fears surrounding parenthood have been with us since the beginning of time but as the years pass the reasons for these fears only seem to become more and more profound. In today’s world the conversation of the fathers in the waiting room could be expanded to hormones and genetic modifications in food, terrorism, climate change, school and other mass shootings, and other threats that were unknown or at least less of a concern fifty years ago. Perhaps the fearmongering conspiracy theories about chemtrails and vaccines would be mentioned as well, though in a more satirical fashion, as fears some expectant parents encounter while endlessly doomscrolling Facebook or Twitter. Speaking for myself, despite the struggles, the fears, and the sadness that sometimes comes with having children, it’s been worth it. The joys ultimately outweigh all of that, but I understand the terror too. Becoming a parent is no easy choice, nor should it be. But as I look back, I can say that I’m glad we made the choice we did.

I wonder if Frank and Lenore can say the same thing.

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