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Best & Worst of 2010: The Year’s Worst One Sheets

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The task of selling a film is probably much, much harder than any of us realize, which is why posters meant to stir up excitement for upcoming releases are often so badly calculated. 2010 has been no exception, with a large number of god-awful (or just plain boring) one-sheets cluttering up the lobbies of multiplexes all across the country. Here’s B-D’s list of the worst offenders from the past year.

BEST ONE SHEETS | WORST ONE SHEETS

WORST ONE SHEETS OF 2010

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Posters listed in no particular order

A Nightmare on Elm Street (New Line Cinema)


Remember the posters from the first few movies? They were hand-drawn, imaginative, museum-quality works of art. As for the remake, I guess this generic one-sheet is the best they could come up with – a sentiment you could also apply to the movie itself. When it comes right down to it, simply throwing up an image of the “new Freddy” and calling it a day is just lazy marketing.

Splice (Warner Bros. Pictures)


The problem with this poster is pretty simple – we have no idea what kind of movie they’re advertising. Judging by the soft blue light shining from above, this could very well be a tear-jerking drama about a…fucked-up mutant woman with a tail. The film itself was a boundary-pushing horror/sci-fi (albeit an uneven one), and this one-sheet should’ve done a better job at communicating that.

Predators (Twentieth Century Fox)


The issue here is the same as with the Nightmare on Elm Street poster – simply showing us an image of the villain is a really weak, uninspired way to sell a movie. Also, the movie is called Predators, plural, right? So where are the rest of them?

Jonah Hex (Warner Bros. Pictures)


What is he firing that gatling-gun at, the ground? And why are they hiding the scarred half of Jonah Hex’s face? This poster is far too generic for the adaptation of a comic-book series known for its imaginative genre-mixing.

Vampires Suck (Twentieth Century Fox)


From quite possibly the two laziest filmmakers on the planet comes one of the most godawful one-sheets in the history of film advertising. From the looks of it, Fox just farmed this puppy out to a bunch of high school freshmen taking a “Beginning Photoshop” class. Hey, is that someone dressed up as Lady Gaga in the background? A-hardy-har-har!

Piranha 3D (Dimension Films)


While the other Piranha one-sheet made our “best-of” list, this one qualifies as one of the year’s worst. Talk about generic – this could’ve been the poster for any number of “killer underwater creature” movies from the last twenty years. Also, the tagline should’ve read “This Summer Fake 3D Shows Its Teeth”, don’t you think?

Resident Evil: Afterlife 3D (Sony Scren Gems)


When you have a winning formula, I guess there’s no reason to mix it up. Still, seeing the same basic image on every single Resident Evil one sheet is getting a little tiresome. Also, I’d like to call for a moratorium on jagged shards of glass representing the 3-D experience on movie posters.

And Soon the Darkness (Anchor Bay)


It’s soft-core porn meets Captivity in this awful, lowest-common-denominator one-sheet advertising the upcoming remake of the cult classic 1970 thriller. Pass the cheese.

Case 39 (Paramount Pictures)


It’s no wonder Case 39 failed at the box-office. After years of delays and overwhelmingly negative buzz, Paramount couldn’t even be bothered to come up with a decent poster. So what’s it about, exactly? A haunted house? An evil child? Killer luggage? Kinda hard to tell from the pedestrian imagery featured here.

Paranormal Activity 2 (Paramount Pictures)


Look, we made $100 million with the first one – do people really give a shit about the poster? Just slap a still from the movie on there like we did with the original! Gosh, this money smells good.

Hatchet II (Dark Sky Films)


For a cult phenomenon like Hatchet, you’ve gotta give the uninitiated (and those who were only lukewarm on the first movie) a reason to see it. How is it different, etc.? This generic poster is a snooze that could’ve been used to advertise almost any other slasher flick released in the last 30 years.

Red Riding Hood (Warner Bros. Pictures)


The sight of Amanda Seyfried walking through a forest just screams “excitement!”, doesn’t it?

Chain Letter (New Films)


Cursed with a premise that’s about ten years too late, this movie follows a group of teens who are forwarded a chain letter (over that new-fangled email) and murdered one by one when they fail to send it along. So I’m just gonna take a guess that in crafting this head-scratching poster, the marketing team at the studio was attempting to hide the fact that the concept of their movie reached “horribly dated” status right around 2005. What other explanation could there be? So there’s a dude wearing pajamas…in chains…lying on top of a barcode…and the tagline is “The Art of Killing”. Ok, I give up.

My Soul to Take (Rogue Pictures)


As if the negative buzz surrounding My Soul to Take wasn’t already bad enough, Rogue had to go and release this incredibly shitty one-sheet to advertise it. Not that I can necessarily blame them – the film’s needlessly complex premise is nearly impossible to sum up in a single image. This poster is the equivalent of the entire marketing team throwing up their hands in frustration.

I Spit on Your Grave (Anchor Bay)


Here’s an idea: just copy the exploitative poster art used to market the original movie, except render it in B&W so people think it’s more artistic. Then print it. Easy breezy!

The Rite (Warner Bros. Pictures)


Based on this poster, we know the following about The Rite: 1) Academy-Award winner Anthony Hopkins is in it, and his eyes are really blue; 2) the movie has something to do with religion (hence the cross!); and 3) You can only defeat it when you believe (like “evil”, maybe)? Gee, I haven’t been this excited about a slot-filling religious horror movie since Lost Souls dropped back in 2000.

The Resident (Image)


This is premiering on Lifetime, right?

Editorials

What’s Wrong with My Baby!? Larry Cohen’s ‘It’s Alive’ at 50

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Netflix It's Alive

Soon after the New Hollywood generation took over the entertainment industry, they started having children. And more than any filmmakers that came before—they were terrified. Rosemary’s Baby (1968), The Exorcist (1973), The Omen (1976), Eraserhead (1977), The Brood (1979), The Shining (1980), Possession (1981), and many others all deal, at least in part, with the fears of becoming or being a parent. What if my child turns out to be a monster? is corrupted by some evil force? or turns out to be the fucking Antichrist? What if I screw them up somehow, or can’t help them, or even go insane and try to kill them? Horror has always been at its best when exploring relatable fears through extreme circumstances. A prime example of this is Larry Cohen’s 1974 monster-baby movie It’s Alive, which explores the not only the rollercoaster of emotions that any parent experiences when confronted with the difficulties of raising a child, but long-standing questions of who or what is at fault when something goes horribly wrong.

Cohen begins making his underlying points early in the film as Frank Davis (John P. Ryan) discusses the state of the world with a group of expectant fathers in a hospital waiting room. They discuss the “overabundance of lead” in foods and the environment, smog, and pesticides that only serve to produce roaches that are “bigger, stronger, and harder to kill.” Frank comments that this is “quite a world to bring a kid into.” This has long been a discussion point among people when trying to decide whether to have kids or not. I’ve had many conversations with friends who have said they feel it’s irresponsible to bring children into such a violent, broken, and dangerous world, and I certainly don’t begrudge them this. My wife and I did decide to have children but that doesn’t mean that it’s been easy.

Immediately following this scene comes It’s Alive’s most famous sequence in which Frank’s wife Lenore (Sharon Farrell) is the only person left alive in her delivery room, the doctors clawed and bitten to death by her mutant baby, which has escaped. “What does my baby look like!? What’s wrong with my baby!?” she screams as nurses wheel her frantically into a recovery room. The evening that had begun with such joy and excitement at the birth of their second child turned into a nightmare. This is tough for me to write, but on some level, I can relate to this whiplash of emotion. When my second child was born, they came about five weeks early. I’ll use the pronouns “they/them” for privacy reasons when referring to my kids. Our oldest was still very young and went to stay with my parents and we sped off to the hospital where my wife was taken into an operating room for an emergency c-section. I was able to carry our newborn into the NICU (natal intensive care unit) where I was assured that this was routine for all premature births. The nurses assured me there was nothing to worry about and the baby looked big and healthy. I headed to where my wife was taken to recover to grab a few winks assuming that everything was fine. Well, when I awoke, I headed back over to the NICU to find that my child was not where I left them. The nurse found me and told me that the baby’s lungs were underdeveloped, and they had to put them in a special room connected to oxygen tubes and wires to monitor their vitals.

It’s difficult to express the fear that overwhelmed me in those moments. Everything turned out okay, but it took a while and I’m convinced to this day that their anxiety struggles spring from these first weeks of life. As our children grew, we learned that two of the three were on the spectrum and that anxiety, depression, ADHD, and OCD were also playing a part in their lives. Parents, at least speaking for myself, can’t help but blame themselves for the struggles their children face. The “if only” questions creep in and easily overcome the voices that assure us that it really has nothing to do with us. In the film, Lenore says, “maybe it’s all the pills I’ve been taking that brought this on.” Frank muses aloud about how he used to think that Frankenstein was the monster, but when he got older realized he was the one that made the monster. The aptly named Frank is wondering if his baby’s mutation is his fault, if he created the monster that is terrorizing Los Angeles. I have made plenty of “if only” statements about myself over the years. “If only I hadn’t had to work so much, if only I had been around more when they were little.” Mothers may ask themselves, “did I have a drink, too much coffee, or a cigarette before I knew I was pregnant? Was I too stressed out during the pregnancy?” In other words, most parents can’t help but wonder if it’s all their fault.

At one point in the film, Frank goes to the elementary school where his baby has been sighted and is escorted through the halls by police. He overhears someone comment about “screwed up genes,” which brings about age-old questions of nature vs. nurture. Despite the voices around him from doctors and detectives that say, “we know this isn’t your fault,” Frank can’t help but think it is, and that the people who try to tell him it isn’t really think it’s his fault too. There is no doubt that there is a hereditary element to the kinds of mental illness struggles that my children and I deal with. But, and it’s a bit but, good parenting goes a long way in helping children deal with these struggles. Kids need to know they’re not alone, a good parent can provide that, perhaps especially parents that can relate to the same kinds of struggles. The question of nature vs. nurture will likely never be entirely answered but I think there’s more than a good chance that “both/and” is the case. Around the midpoint of the film, Frank agrees to disown the child and sign it over for medical experimentation if caught or killed. Lenore and the older son Chris (Daniel Holzman) seek to nurture and teach the baby, feeling that it is not a monster, but a member of the family.

It’s Alive takes these ideas to an even greater degree in the fact that the Davis Baby really is a monster, a mutant with claws and fangs that murders and eats people. The late ’60s and early ’70s also saw the rise in mass murderers and serial killers which heightened the nature vs. nurture debate. Obviously, these people were not literal monsters but human beings that came from human parents, but something had gone horribly wrong. Often the upbringing of these killers clearly led in part to their antisocial behavior, but this isn’t always the case. It’s Alive asks “what if a ‘monster’ comes from a good home?” In this case is it society, environmental factors, or is it the lead, smog, and pesticides? It is almost impossible to know, but the ending of the film underscores an uncomfortable truth—even monsters have parents.

As the film enters its third act, Frank joins the hunt for his child through the Los Angeles sewers and into the L.A. River. He is armed with a rifle and ready to kill on sight, having divorced himself from any relationship to the child. Then Frank finds his baby crying in the sewers and his fatherly instincts take over. With tears in his eyes, he speaks words of comfort and wraps his son in his coat. He holds him close, pats and rocks him, and whispers that everything is going to be okay. People often wonder how the parents of those who perform heinous acts can sit in court, shed tears, and defend them. I think it’s a complex issue. I’m sure that these parents know that their child has done something evil, but that doesn’t change the fact that they are still their baby. Your child is a piece of yourself formed into a whole new human being. Disowning them would be like cutting off a limb, no matter what they may have done. It doesn’t erase an evil act, far from it, but I can understand the pain of a parent in that situation. I think It’s Alive does an exceptional job placing its audience in that situation.

Despite the serious issues and ideas being examined in the film, It’s Alive is far from a dour affair. At heart, it is still a monster movie and filled with a sense of fun and a great deal of pitch-black humor. In one of its more memorable moments, a milkman is sucked into the rear compartment of his truck as red blood mingles with the white milk from smashed bottles leaking out the back of the truck and streaming down the street. Just after Frank agrees to join the hunt for his baby, the film cuts to the back of an ice cream truck with the words “STOP CHILDREN” emblazoned on it. It’s a movie filled with great kills, a mutant baby—created by make-up effects master Rick Baker early in his career, and plenty of action—and all in a PG rated movie! I’m telling you, the ’70s were wild. It just also happens to have some thoughtful ideas behind it as well.

Which was Larry Cohen’s specialty. Cohen made all kinds of movies, but his most enduring have been his horror films and all of them tackle the social issues and fears of the time they were made. God Told Me To (1976), Q: The Winged Serpent (1982), and The Stuff (1985) are all great examples of his socially aware, low-budget, exploitation filmmaking with a brain and It’s Alive certainly fits right in with that group. Cohen would go on to write and direct two sequels, It Lives Again (aka It’s Alive 2) in 1978 and It’s Alive III: Island of the Alive in 1987 and is credited as a co-writer on the 2008 remake. All these films explore the ideas of parental responsibility in light of the various concerns of the times they were made including abortion rights and AIDS.

Fifty years after It’s Alive was initially released, it has only become more relevant in the ensuing years. Fears surrounding parenthood have been with us since the beginning of time but as the years pass the reasons for these fears only seem to become more and more profound. In today’s world the conversation of the fathers in the waiting room could be expanded to hormones and genetic modifications in food, terrorism, climate change, school and other mass shootings, and other threats that were unknown or at least less of a concern fifty years ago. Perhaps the fearmongering conspiracy theories about chemtrails and vaccines would be mentioned as well, though in a more satirical fashion, as fears some expectant parents encounter while endlessly doomscrolling Facebook or Twitter. Speaking for myself, despite the struggles, the fears, and the sadness that sometimes comes with having children, it’s been worth it. The joys ultimately outweigh all of that, but I understand the terror too. Becoming a parent is no easy choice, nor should it be. But as I look back, I can say that I’m glad we made the choice we did.

I wonder if Frank and Lenore can say the same thing.

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