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Best & Worst of ’10: DAVID HARLEY’S BOTTOM 5 OF 2010

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Writing this year’s worst-of list was a lot easier than its counterpart; as pure luck would have it, I was only brought to a boiling rage by eight horror films this year! My lowest recommendations of 2010 fail for a variety of reasons, ranging from a clear lack of vision and funds (my biggest pet peeve) to worst use of music ever to shameless capitalization of a name brand. One entry is so bat shit ridiculous and unintelligible that it gave me one of the biggest laughs I had this year, which makes me wonder whether or not we’ll all see it as a big joke in another five or ten years (wait, my future self just informed me that’ll never happen, but it was fun to think about for all of two seconds).

Mr. Disgusting (Best/Worst) | Ryan Daley (Best/Worst) | David Harley (Best/Worst)
BC (Best/Worst) | Micah (Best/Worst) | Keenan (Best/Worst) | Theo (Best/Worst)
Best One Sheets | Worst One Sheets
Most Memorable Moments | Top Trailers | Memorable Quotes

DAVID HARLEY’S BOTTOM 5 OF 2010

5. Frozen (February 05; Anchor Bay)


After Hatchet and Spiral, I have to admit I was sipping on the Adam Green Kool-Aid, but Frozen was the first of two giant disappointments from the director this year. Right from the beginning, you have three unlikable characters in a ski lift; the girl is way too passive aggressive, and the guys are obnoxious and total meatheads. Granted, Green presents a tense situation, and the verbal sparring is welcome between the frazzled friends, but talk about some convenient wolves! After a character bites the dust, we have two people left, blurting out past situations and emotions that will make them sympathetic to the audience, but by that point, who cares? I can see why people might like this, and I’m sure some will see this entry as my cashing in my “I know everyone else likes this, but I really hate it” card this year, but tell me this: did you guys laugh when the score swelled as quickly as Parker’s pants as she pissed herself? Lord knows I did.

4. A Nightmare on Elm Street (April 30; New Line Cinema)


Despite a cool scene or three and the fact that it’s infinitely less frustrating than Friday The 13th, A Nightmare On Elm Street never reaches the plateau that it so earnestly tries to reach. It’s chock-full of interesting ideas and it looks nice thanks to Samuel Bayer’s grunge aesthetic, but a worthy trip to Slumberland it is not. It also features the biggest wasted opportunity of the year, which is the question of whether he really was a child molester or not. It’s brought up later on in the film and presents a very interesting dilemma; unfortunately it’s answered 15 minutes later. For a question that’s as significant as that, there should be more doubt and discussion about the idea in the film, but sadly, it’s not.

3. Legion (January 22; Sony Screen Gems)


At some point, having an angel walk around with a machine gun probably seemed like a good idea. But it wasn’t, and neither was this movie. Why would god wipe out civilization with a haunted ice cream truck, and not something on a cataclysmic level like a flood? When I was on set, Tyrese talked about how unstereotypical the role was, and then come to find out, he recites a monologue about when he was a “shawty.” If I was an angel, there’s no way I would give up armor and crazy looking weapons so that I could possess a mortal and grow sharp teeth; that’s idiotic. I liked Legion better when it was The Terminator.

2. Parasomnia (July 13; E1 Entertainment)


I can’t say I’ve ever really liked a William Malone film – though, his ‘Only Skin Deep’ episode of Tales From The Crypt is pretty dang creepy – and his visual style always made him seen like an all-too-eager film-school graduate, but Parasomnia‘s Nightmare On Elm Street meets Alice In Wonderland premise intrigued me, especially with Jeffrey Combs hamming it up in the trailer. Even considering my modest expectations, Parasomnia was hard to watch. Everyone involved in this film should be ashamed of themselves, and the Ed Wood homage in the third act is about as cringe worthy as they come. The quirky, oddball Tim Burton visuals seen in the trailer occupy about fifteen minutes of the flick, with the rest of it looking as lazy as Malone’s other films. It’s a sad state of affairs when the House On Haunted Hill remake is your best film, and I wish Malone would stick to the television format, which he excels at much more.

1. 2001 Maniacs: Field Of Screams (May 4; First Look Studios)


2001 Maniacs: Field Of Screams is easiy one of the worst movies I’ve ever had to review for the site. It never manages to strike a balance between being menacing and campy, and features some of the most head-scratchingly stupid racist jokes I’ve ever heard. Aside from including the barrel death from the original movie and having one other quasi-inspired moment, it falls flat in every single department. Hell, even the sound design appears to have been mastered by a five-year-old. I didn’t exactly hate Tim Sullivan’s first love letter to H.G. Lewis (at least it had Giuseppe Andrews in it) , but everything from the unlikable protagonists to the hastily prepared gore set pieces makes this sequel one of the most unintelligible, infuriating movies around. I love over-the-top stuff, but Field Of Screams is just too much.

Dishonorable Mentions:
Cabin Fever 2 (February 16; Lionsgate)


I’ve been told that because I was born in 1985, I can’t have a full appreciation of the 80s cheese on display in Cabin Fever 2. I love me some camp, and there aren’t many things that brings a smile to my face faster than popping in my C.H.U.D. or Deadly Friend DVDs, but if this movie is supposed to be a proper representation of the average 80s horror flick, I’ve clearly been missing out of some truly awful shit (not to mention subpar flash animation), and I’m really grateful. If you still laugh at herpes and blow job jokes, and think that peeing in the punch bowl at a school dance is a brilliant inciting incident, then this is the movie for you! If I were Ti West, I would’ve taken my name off it too.

The Wolfman (February 12; Universal Pictures)


Once again, Universal has failed in reviving their classic monsters, and while Joe Johnston’s The Wolfman is still not as bad as Van Helsing (few things are), it’s still pretty awful. Anthony Hopkins’ scenery chewing and Hugo Weaving’s comedic moments are highlights, but lackluster CGI, one of the worst Danny Elfman scores this decade, and a confusing relation between Benicio del Toro and Emily Blunt that has little basis makes it a muddled affair; nothing gels together. It’s a shame there’s not an alternate reality where Mark Romanek and Tangerine Dream worked on the film together. I was hoping for Francis Ford Coppola’s Dracula, and I got Kenneth Branagh’s Frankenstein.

My Soul To Take (October 8; Rogue Pictures)


The idea for My Soul To Take is actually pretty cool, but it’s execution and script are so frustrating. I read an early draft about a year or so before the film came out, and I could honestly not tell anyone what it was about after I was done; it was THAT confusing. Things change from first drafts, and the idea was cool, but it was just as bad, and maybe a little worse in some parts, when it hit the big screen. Everything was terrible, and yet, it has a sort of charm I can’t quite put my finger on. Not one that would make me watch it again, but one that makes me laugh uncontrollably when a sister unexpectedly beats her younger brother to a pulp, or when there’s a handful of kids left and someone actually suspects the blind kid did it. It’s like Wes Craven jumped in his DeLorean, visited a future where there’s nothing but really shitty horror movies being made, and then came back and made a post-modern parody of something that doesn’t exist yet. It’s really excruciating to watch now, but I think in five or ten years, it has the potential to be a camp staple.

Editorials

What’s Wrong with My Baby!? Larry Cohen’s ‘It’s Alive’ at 50

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Netflix It's Alive

Soon after the New Hollywood generation took over the entertainment industry, they started having children. And more than any filmmakers that came before—they were terrified. Rosemary’s Baby (1968), The Exorcist (1973), The Omen (1976), Eraserhead (1977), The Brood (1979), The Shining (1980), Possession (1981), and many others all deal, at least in part, with the fears of becoming or being a parent. What if my child turns out to be a monster? is corrupted by some evil force? or turns out to be the fucking Antichrist? What if I screw them up somehow, or can’t help them, or even go insane and try to kill them? Horror has always been at its best when exploring relatable fears through extreme circumstances. A prime example of this is Larry Cohen’s 1974 monster-baby movie It’s Alive, which explores the not only the rollercoaster of emotions that any parent experiences when confronted with the difficulties of raising a child, but long-standing questions of who or what is at fault when something goes horribly wrong.

Cohen begins making his underlying points early in the film as Frank Davis (John P. Ryan) discusses the state of the world with a group of expectant fathers in a hospital waiting room. They discuss the “overabundance of lead” in foods and the environment, smog, and pesticides that only serve to produce roaches that are “bigger, stronger, and harder to kill.” Frank comments that this is “quite a world to bring a kid into.” This has long been a discussion point among people when trying to decide whether to have kids or not. I’ve had many conversations with friends who have said they feel it’s irresponsible to bring children into such a violent, broken, and dangerous world, and I certainly don’t begrudge them this. My wife and I did decide to have children but that doesn’t mean that it’s been easy.

Immediately following this scene comes It’s Alive’s most famous sequence in which Frank’s wife Lenore (Sharon Farrell) is the only person left alive in her delivery room, the doctors clawed and bitten to death by her mutant baby, which has escaped. “What does my baby look like!? What’s wrong with my baby!?” she screams as nurses wheel her frantically into a recovery room. The evening that had begun with such joy and excitement at the birth of their second child turned into a nightmare. This is tough for me to write, but on some level, I can relate to this whiplash of emotion. When my second child was born, they came about five weeks early. I’ll use the pronouns “they/them” for privacy reasons when referring to my kids. Our oldest was still very young and went to stay with my parents and we sped off to the hospital where my wife was taken into an operating room for an emergency c-section. I was able to carry our newborn into the NICU (natal intensive care unit) where I was assured that this was routine for all premature births. The nurses assured me there was nothing to worry about and the baby looked big and healthy. I headed to where my wife was taken to recover to grab a few winks assuming that everything was fine. Well, when I awoke, I headed back over to the NICU to find that my child was not where I left them. The nurse found me and told me that the baby’s lungs were underdeveloped, and they had to put them in a special room connected to oxygen tubes and wires to monitor their vitals.

It’s difficult to express the fear that overwhelmed me in those moments. Everything turned out okay, but it took a while and I’m convinced to this day that their anxiety struggles spring from these first weeks of life. As our children grew, we learned that two of the three were on the spectrum and that anxiety, depression, ADHD, and OCD were also playing a part in their lives. Parents, at least speaking for myself, can’t help but blame themselves for the struggles their children face. The “if only” questions creep in and easily overcome the voices that assure us that it really has nothing to do with us. In the film, Lenore says, “maybe it’s all the pills I’ve been taking that brought this on.” Frank muses aloud about how he used to think that Frankenstein was the monster, but when he got older realized he was the one that made the monster. The aptly named Frank is wondering if his baby’s mutation is his fault, if he created the monster that is terrorizing Los Angeles. I have made plenty of “if only” statements about myself over the years. “If only I hadn’t had to work so much, if only I had been around more when they were little.” Mothers may ask themselves, “did I have a drink, too much coffee, or a cigarette before I knew I was pregnant? Was I too stressed out during the pregnancy?” In other words, most parents can’t help but wonder if it’s all their fault.

At one point in the film, Frank goes to the elementary school where his baby has been sighted and is escorted through the halls by police. He overhears someone comment about “screwed up genes,” which brings about age-old questions of nature vs. nurture. Despite the voices around him from doctors and detectives that say, “we know this isn’t your fault,” Frank can’t help but think it is, and that the people who try to tell him it isn’t really think it’s his fault too. There is no doubt that there is a hereditary element to the kinds of mental illness struggles that my children and I deal with. But, and it’s a bit but, good parenting goes a long way in helping children deal with these struggles. Kids need to know they’re not alone, a good parent can provide that, perhaps especially parents that can relate to the same kinds of struggles. The question of nature vs. nurture will likely never be entirely answered but I think there’s more than a good chance that “both/and” is the case. Around the midpoint of the film, Frank agrees to disown the child and sign it over for medical experimentation if caught or killed. Lenore and the older son Chris (Daniel Holzman) seek to nurture and teach the baby, feeling that it is not a monster, but a member of the family.

It’s Alive takes these ideas to an even greater degree in the fact that the Davis Baby really is a monster, a mutant with claws and fangs that murders and eats people. The late ’60s and early ’70s also saw the rise in mass murderers and serial killers which heightened the nature vs. nurture debate. Obviously, these people were not literal monsters but human beings that came from human parents, but something had gone horribly wrong. Often the upbringing of these killers clearly led in part to their antisocial behavior, but this isn’t always the case. It’s Alive asks “what if a ‘monster’ comes from a good home?” In this case is it society, environmental factors, or is it the lead, smog, and pesticides? It is almost impossible to know, but the ending of the film underscores an uncomfortable truth—even monsters have parents.

As the film enters its third act, Frank joins the hunt for his child through the Los Angeles sewers and into the L.A. River. He is armed with a rifle and ready to kill on sight, having divorced himself from any relationship to the child. Then Frank finds his baby crying in the sewers and his fatherly instincts take over. With tears in his eyes, he speaks words of comfort and wraps his son in his coat. He holds him close, pats and rocks him, and whispers that everything is going to be okay. People often wonder how the parents of those who perform heinous acts can sit in court, shed tears, and defend them. I think it’s a complex issue. I’m sure that these parents know that their child has done something evil, but that doesn’t change the fact that they are still their baby. Your child is a piece of yourself formed into a whole new human being. Disowning them would be like cutting off a limb, no matter what they may have done. It doesn’t erase an evil act, far from it, but I can understand the pain of a parent in that situation. I think It’s Alive does an exceptional job placing its audience in that situation.

Despite the serious issues and ideas being examined in the film, It’s Alive is far from a dour affair. At heart, it is still a monster movie and filled with a sense of fun and a great deal of pitch-black humor. In one of its more memorable moments, a milkman is sucked into the rear compartment of his truck as red blood mingles with the white milk from smashed bottles leaking out the back of the truck and streaming down the street. Just after Frank agrees to join the hunt for his baby, the film cuts to the back of an ice cream truck with the words “STOP CHILDREN” emblazoned on it. It’s a movie filled with great kills, a mutant baby—created by make-up effects master Rick Baker early in his career, and plenty of action—and all in a PG rated movie! I’m telling you, the ’70s were wild. It just also happens to have some thoughtful ideas behind it as well.

Which was Larry Cohen’s specialty. Cohen made all kinds of movies, but his most enduring have been his horror films and all of them tackle the social issues and fears of the time they were made. God Told Me To (1976), Q: The Winged Serpent (1982), and The Stuff (1985) are all great examples of his socially aware, low-budget, exploitation filmmaking with a brain and It’s Alive certainly fits right in with that group. Cohen would go on to write and direct two sequels, It Lives Again (aka It’s Alive 2) in 1978 and It’s Alive III: Island of the Alive in 1987 and is credited as a co-writer on the 2008 remake. All these films explore the ideas of parental responsibility in light of the various concerns of the times they were made including abortion rights and AIDS.

Fifty years after It’s Alive was initially released, it has only become more relevant in the ensuing years. Fears surrounding parenthood have been with us since the beginning of time but as the years pass the reasons for these fears only seem to become more and more profound. In today’s world the conversation of the fathers in the waiting room could be expanded to hormones and genetic modifications in food, terrorism, climate change, school and other mass shootings, and other threats that were unknown or at least less of a concern fifty years ago. Perhaps the fearmongering conspiracy theories about chemtrails and vaccines would be mentioned as well, though in a more satirical fashion, as fears some expectant parents encounter while endlessly doomscrolling Facebook or Twitter. Speaking for myself, despite the struggles, the fears, and the sadness that sometimes comes with having children, it’s been worth it. The joys ultimately outweigh all of that, but I understand the terror too. Becoming a parent is no easy choice, nor should it be. But as I look back, I can say that I’m glad we made the choice we did.

I wonder if Frank and Lenore can say the same thing.

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