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Best & Worst of 2009: Tex Massacre Picks His Bottom 5!

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Tim Anderson, known as Tex Massacre here in the site, is our main man when it comes to DVDs. He watches more films that I can even imagine sitting through. In fact, I wouldn’t be shocked if his brains were mush by now. This morning Tex, our longest writer on staff, submitted his picks for the best and worst films of 2009. Beyond the break you’ll find his selections for the BOTTOM 5 horror films of 2009. What do you guys think?

Mr. Disgusting (Best/Worst) | Tim Anderson (Best/Worst) | BC (Best/Worst)
David Harley (Best/Worst) | Ryan Daley (Best/Worst)

TEX MASSACRE’S BOTTOM 5 OF 2009

5. The Collector (July 31; Freestyle)


From the team that brought you Saw IV – VI and Feast I – III comes the lamest and worst torture porn movie ever released on over 1,300 screens. Thank god it made less than 8 million bucks. Most of you must have missed it. I unfortunately did not!

4. The Final Destination 3D (August 28; New Line)


How bad was The Final Destination? So bad that I hated the film in spite of these 3 things. (1) It was in 3-D and things flying at my face is still funny for me. (2) They gave out free shots at the screening and I was half hammered before the flick even started (3) two of my friends were actually in the movie, and went to the theater with me. Even when they appeared on screen, I wasn’t particularly interested! Way to go New Line…no wonder you went out of business.

3. Halloween II (August 28; Dimension)


Oh Rob Zombie, how far the mighty hath fallen. I didn’t like the original Halloween remake either, but somehow the hype machine sucked me into believing that this was truly “your” vision for the franchise. The film you wanted to make! I was ready to go, popcorn and Icee in hand, then 105-rambling-incoherent-minutes later it was all over…and I felt dirty…and not in the good way. Was that a unicorn?

2. Wrong Turn 3: Left For Dead (October 20; Fox)


I would say that the subtitle for this film, just about sums up the franchise as a whole.

1. The Cell 2 (June 6; Warner Brothers)


This film makes me physically upset in much the same manner as (presumably BC is about Wrong Turn 3!). I don’t really want to get into it. But this is not a sequel to The “Cell”, this is a movie that needed a title that they could “Sell” to people. This is the sleaziest kind of marketing ploy perpetrated by studios. Take a decade old film, no one really remembers but kinda dug, and then title some half-ass made for TV movie with digital FX work that looks like something out of a 80’s MTV video as a “part 2” and hope enough poor slobs pick it up in the first week to make back the shitty budget before the masses discover that the film is a piece of crap. Isn’t that false advertising! Let’s get congress involved.

HORRIBLE MENTIONS


I’ll be you all can’t believe that the Friday The 13th remake wasn’t on my list! Well…here it is. Add to that the Exorcist rip-off The Unborn , the execrable Stan Helsing, the unnecessary Vacancy 2, the totally expected crap-fest Feast III and the filmmaking-by-committee failure Perkins 14 and 2009 actually wasn’t that bad a year for bad movies! Better luck next time gang!

Editorials

Meet the Actors Who Brought the ‘Backrooms’ Still Life Monsters to Life [SPOILERS]

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Renate Reinsve in 'Backrooms' - Horror ARGs

Judging from the unprecedented box office success of Kane Parsons’ Backrooms adaptation, you’ve likely already seen the liminal horror hit that managed to make audiences afraid of empty hallways and bad wallpaper. And now that so many of us have already entered the yellow labyrinth (some of us more than once), the time has come to discuss the spoiler-filled details that make the movie so fascinating in the first place.

And if there’s one element here that makes the Backrooms movie stand out from any previous lore/mythology, it has to be the genius addition of the Still Life entities. Warped recreations of real people that somehow wandered into the Complex, these misremembered creatures are responsible for some of the most disturbing imagery of 2026 – as well as laugh-out-loud memes created by one of the film’s very own concept artists.

However, true to Parsons’ word that the movie would rely heavily on practical effects, each of these distorted monsters was brought to life by real actors under heavy layers of makeup and prosthetics (with the occasional splash of CGI enhancements). While Anora and If I Had Legs I’d Kick You actress Ivy Wolk wasn’t among these performers, despite what Letterboxd might have you believe, the creature cast did benefit from veteran players with plenty of genre experience.

For starters, Alien: Romulus alumni Robert Bobroczkyi (who previously brought that film’s horrific Offspring to life during its most memorable sequence) plays the flick’s main antagonist, the Still Life version of Captain Clark. And though there was some obvious CGI involved in making the character’s peg-leg and nightmarish face more believable, Bobroczkyi’s monstrous performance and his natural 7’7″ frame helped to make that final chase sequence a clear highlight among this year’s genre offerings.

The film’s Texas-Chain-Saw-inspired “dinner” scene also features a freaky collection of less-aggressive Still Life creatures in the form of the Bearded Man, the Red-Headed Woman and, strangest of them all, the cheekily named “Archibald Leland Sutter Still Life” (who earned this title among fans and crewmembers as a reference to his apparent affinity for lamps).

While this was the first major horror outing for both Patrick Baynham (The Bearded Man) and Dana Mahmood (Archibald), Rhiannon Roberts has worked as a stunt performer in everything from Yellowjackets to HBO’s The Last of Us adaptation – which is probably why The Red-Headed Woman is the most active out of Clark’s impromptu “family.” That being said, the Archibald Leland Sutter Still Life is my personal favorite of the bunch simply because his anachronistic outfit suggests that the Backrooms phenomenon might be a lot older than the Async Foundation. I also love how hard he tries to be helpful with that little light of his!

That might be it for the Still Life entities, but I think horror fans will also be pleased to hear that the film’s Found Footage prologue stars none other than Resident Evil: Welcome to Raccoon City star Avan Jogia as Naren Warne – and American Mary herself Katharine Isabelle also shows up in a blink-and-you’ll-miss-it cameo at Mary’s house party towards the middle of the story (though I have a feeling that she originally had a bigger part that was likely cut for time).

At the end of the day, Parsons’ Backrooms may have been an auteur-driven project motivated by the young director’s unique take on the classic creepypasta, but film has always been a collective artform, so it’s fun to see just how many talented performers it takes to bring this kind of supernatural nightmare to life in a way that connects with so many people.

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