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Best & Worst of 2009: Tex Massacre Picks His Bottom 5!
Tuesday, December 22, 2009


By: Tex Massacre
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Tim Anderson, known as Tex Massacre here in the site, is our main man when it comes to DVDs. He watches more films that I can even imagine sitting through. In fact, I wouldn't be shocked if his brains were mush by now. This morning Tex, our longest writer on staff, submitted his picks for the best and worst films of 2009. Beyond the break you'll find his selections for the BOTTOM 5 horror films of 2009. What do you guys think?



Mr. Disgusting (Best/Worst) | Tim Anderson (Best/Worst) | BC (Best/Worst)
David Harley (Best/Worst) | Ryan Daley (Best/Worst)


TEX MASSACRE'S BOTTOM 5 OF 2009



5. The Collector (July 31; Freestyle)



From the team that brought you Saw IV - VI and Feast I - III comes the lamest and worst torture porn movie ever released on over 1,300 screens. Thank god it made less than 8 million bucks. Most of you must have missed it. I unfortunately did not!

4. The Final Destination 3D (August 28; New Line)



How bad was The Final Destination? So bad that I hated the film in spite of these 3 things. (1) It was in 3-D and things flying at my face is still funny for me. (2) They gave out free shots at the screening and I was half hammered before the flick even started (3) two of my friends were actually in the movie, and went to the theater with me. Even when they appeared on screen, I wasn't particularly interested! Way to go New Line...no wonder you went out of business.

3. Halloween II (August 28; Dimension)



Oh Rob Zombie, how far the mighty hath fallen. I didn't like the original Halloween remake either, but somehow the hype machine sucked me into believing that this was truly "your" vision for the franchise. The film you wanted to make! I was ready to go, popcorn and Icee in hand, then 105-rambling-incoherent-minutes later it was all over...and I felt dirty...and not in the good way. Was that a unicorn?

2. Wrong Turn 3: Left For Dead (October 20; Fox)



I would say that the subtitle for this film, just about sums up the franchise as a whole.

1. The Cell 2 (June 6; Warner Brothers)



This film makes me physically upset in much the same manner as (presumably BC is about Wrong Turn 3!). I don't really want to get into it. But this is not a sequel to The "Cell", this is a movie that needed a title that they could "Sell" to people. This is the sleaziest kind of marketing ploy perpetrated by studios. Take a decade old film, no one really remembers but kinda dug, and then title some half-ass made for TV movie with digital FX work that looks like something out of a 80's MTV video as a "part 2" and hope enough poor slobs pick it up in the first week to make back the shitty budget before the masses discover that the film is a piece of crap. Isn't that false advertising! Let's get congress involved.

HORRIBLE MENTIONS



I'll be you all can't believe that the Friday The 13th remake wasn't on my list! Well...here it is. Add to that the Exorcist rip-off The Unborn , the execrable Stan Helsing, the unnecessary Vacancy 2, the totally expected crap-fest Feast III and the filmmaking-by-committee failure Perkins 14 and 2009 actually wasn't that bad a year for bad movies! Better luck next time gang!



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Read 59 User Comments

TwistedFate_L4
2:43pm, December 22, 2009

Once again, this list sucks even more! Just about all the movies you had on the "best" list should be here. Puh-lease.


flesheater123
2:44pm, December 22, 2009

Halloween 2 was distrubing as all hell. Final Destination was a fun film. Not as good as the rest. I loved wrong turn 3 for it's cheese factor. Stan helsing was funny as hell. The unborn was the biggest piece of shit I've seen. And I loved feast 3. I have no intention of watchting Vacancy 2 since the fuckin first one was garbage


StuWea
2:48pm, December 22, 2009

This is definitely the mist accurate and best list yet:D:D:D:D Totally right!


TwistedFate_L4
2:49pm, December 22, 2009

The Final Destination was just straight up cheese, it DEFFINATLY shouldn't be on this list. H2 shouldn't be on here either. There are way more shitty films that should be on this list. But whoever did these lists has shitty taste anyway. I mean come on, Drag Me To Hell in the top ten? I enjoyed that film, but if you're going to put THAT in the top ten and not H2, TFD, or F13, it just makes you look dumb as fuck.


Horror_Guy
2:50pm, December 22, 2009

I poop on this selection! Halloween II was amazing and The Final Destination stared some stunning background characters!!!


TwistedFate_L4
2:52pm, December 22, 2009

He didn't even put ORPHAN in the top 10, like wtf? Ok, I'm done with my rant.


nightmaric
2:54pm, December 22, 2009

Why all the hate for The Unborn and Friday the 13th both were pretty solid (The Unborn lacking more). The Final Destination is much better than what you say, but its your opinion. Feast 3 was much better than the suckfest of Feast 2. And Perkins' 14 was actually entertaining. Your best list had 4 movies I had seen: Paranormal Activity, My Bloody Valentine, Drag Me to Hell, and Trick 'r Treat all ranging from good to really good. I've heard good things about House of the Devil, Antichrist, Deadgirl and Zombieland but the rest of the movies, I have heard nothing about and really would never see anyway. But your pick of Wrong Turn 3 is warranted I thought it was decent but its nothing new and completely killed the franchise. Wrong Turn 1 and 2 were so much better. Pretty good best list. But Their were much worse movies out their. If you saw Chaos Experiment and Living Hell they would get The Final Destination and The Collector's spots easily.


Jonny Horror
2:58pm, December 22, 2009

I did not see THE COLLECTOR or CELL 2 and probably never will. RZ's HALLOWEEN 1 and 2 was not that bad in my opinion. Certainly different, but they both had some great horror moments, but I have to agree the "unicorn/ mommy ghost" thing in #2 was unecessary and corny. F13 was not as bad as MBV 3D, but both were really dissapointing to me. Both originals are horror classics to me and these remakes fell far short.


SpikeGhost
3:13pm, December 22, 2009

i guess i'm lucky to not have seen aby of these movies... Especiallt The Final Destination... i hated the Third one and have no intention of watching this one.


ao217043
3:22pm, December 22, 2009

I liked Halloween 2, Friday the 13th, and The Final Destination!


theshape826
3:44pm, December 22, 2009

H2, and friday the 13th were not bad movies.


Ultor
3:50pm, December 22, 2009

TFD did what it set out to do. It wasn't a failure its just people were expecting some brand new plot twist and A-list acting which the film definitely had none of. Dude, give that place to Hit and Run. Now THAT was a shitfest.


JohnMarrone
3:58pm, December 22, 2009

Im going to do my best to try and forget Friday and the Halloweens ever happened....


Tex Massacre
4:00pm, December 22, 2009

Hit and Run was pretty bad, but The Final Destination had the largest budget of the entire series 40,000,000 and it was the worst looking piece of shit I saw in a theater all year. Go back and look at the set design in the apartments...they don't have any shit in there, it's like 3 chairs and a TV. I guess they blew all the $$$ on the third dimension! Also the actors made me want to kill myself.


djblack1313
4:02pm, December 22, 2009

with the exceptions of H2 and F13 i completely agree w/ your list Tex. FD4 should be #1 of abysmal, insulting shitfest's of the year. just atrocious (and even WORSE when scene in 2D). and Ultor, i can't speak for anyone else but i was NOT expecting a "new plot twist". i love FD1 & 2 and i like part 3. so i knew (or so i thought) what to expect but there's not 1 thing positive that can be said about FD4. ok, 1 thing. Haley Webb (JANET) is very pretty. everything else sucked so much ass.


Skratchy
4:17pm, December 22, 2009

What the fuck was with Wrong Turn 3? Seriously. And why Left for Dead? Who was left for dead in that movie? The cops are looking for them the whole fucking time. And what are the odds that, in that huge forest, all the moronic, stereotype driven inmates would spring ANY of 3 Finger's traps EVER? Fuck that movie in the butt.


MrHorrorfest
4:42pm, December 22, 2009

This is the best list ever! Haha. The only reason I liked FD4 was the cool rimhorned glasses. :)


Zaero
4:44pm, December 22, 2009

I highly enjoyed 'The Final Destination' actually. It was a fast, action packed gore fest that set out to do nothing but get down to the nitty gritty. I believe it accomplished that, and maybe even then some. But hey, it's all opinion. I thought 'The Collector' was all right, I mean I was entertained, but it didn't really WOW me. Feast 3 was enjoyable, but in a "wow this really should have been made in the 80's" sort of way. If they had dropped the blue screen backgrounds maybe it would have done a little better with some people. That stylized effect erks a lot of people.


rusted31
5:02pm, December 22, 2009

Thank God someone has the balls to aknowledge F13 as one of the years worst movies. Thank God indeed. As for H2, RZ should just give up film making all together.


DreamWave
6:11pm, December 22, 2009

The Orphan is the worst horror movie i've seen this year for sure. should of been Number #1!


deadfactory
6:44pm, December 22, 2009

It's still unclear why H2 is hated so much, all I hear over and over is the white horse was the part everyone hated, but there are never any other reasons, I find that sad. I liked H2, it was fresh, original and not like any other slasher film i'd seen before. As others have said, it was disturbing and it was something different. I get why the other films are on the list.


Se7enwolf
6:59pm, December 22, 2009

when did New Line Cinema go out of business?


Tex Massacre
8:10pm, December 22, 2009

Se7enwolf -- They were absorbed wholly into Warner Brothers earlier this year. The senior staff (Bob Shaye and others) were all let go at the same time. Warner may still brand New Line on properties that started there, but for all intents and purposes, the company doesn't exist. deadfactory -- you got an hour? I'll be glad to give you all the problems I have with H2. The white horse is just easy to make fun of! The film's is fucking wrecked on just about every level (except some of the performances are good)


killerkong56
8:56pm, December 22, 2009

You people are nuts. Orphan was great! And H2 and Final Destination--oops i mean, The Final Destination were horrible. I like this list.


Eddie Weinbauer
9:52pm, December 22, 2009

But.... the Friday the 13th remake was better than most of the movies in the series.


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