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Best & Worst of 2009: Tex Massacre Picks His Top 10!

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Tim Anderson, known as Tex Massacre here in the site, is our main man when it comes to DVDs. He watches more films that I can even imagine sitting through. In fact, I wouldn’t be shocked if his brains were mush by now. This morning Tex, our longest writer on staff, submitted his picks for the best and worst films of 2009. Beyond the break you’ll find his selections for the TOP 10 horror films of 2009. What do you guys think?

Mr. Disgusting (Best/Worst) | Tim Anderson (Best/Worst) | BC (Best/Worst)
David Harley (Best/Worst) | Ryan Daley (Best/Worst)

TEX MASSACRE’S TOP 10 OF 2009

This had to be the hardest year I’ve ever had to compile this list. I don’t think I watched more movies this year, I just think I watched better movies this year. Must have something to do with Lionsgate acquiring less zero-talent (I mean zero-budget) horror films. It also helped (and hindered my sanity in selecting) that a bunch of festival darlings all escaped from distribution purgatory and descended onto video store shelves. Not amongst those films was the “never coming to a theater near you” feature All The Boys Love Mandy Lane. Which, let’s face it, is NEVER coming out. All right…lets take a look at what did come out. Oh…and before you give me grief about movies I missed (like [REC] and Let the Right One In) make sure you look up some of the previous year’s lists.

10. My Bloody Valentine 3D (January 15; Lionsgate)


This was a very good year for studio horror films that didn’t suck and remakes that weren’t nearly as ill conceived as one might expect them to be. Lionsgate kicked the year off right with a near perfect slasher reboot, taking the basic premise of the classic 1981 Canuxploitation flick adding an extra dimension (literally), and piling on the blood and the boobs. In the end, the most prescient thing about the film was that only 3 weeks into the new year, the tone was already set for 12 months of horror that reminded us how much fun our beloved gene can be.

9. Paranormal Activity (September 25; DreamWorks/Paramount)


Surely a film to divide it’s audience, Paranormal Activity will likely be remembered as much for the fact that it raked in over a 100 million domestic box office dollars–on a 15 thousand dollar budget– as it will be for that fact that a good 50% of its viewing audience undoubtedly hated it. For me, this flick represents a near perfect example of the power of suggestion and the electric energy that is generated by seeing a film, in a theater, with a band of brothers and sisters whose only goal is get scared right out of their skin.

8. Drag Me to Hell (May 29; Universal)


Stand up fanboys and fangirls if your spider-senses tingled at the thought that 2009 was the year Sam Rami would save the horror genre. We’ll he came, he saw, and he slapsticked his way back into the low budget (well…compared to what he’s been spending) world of gore (well…as much as you can expect from a PG-13 film). Was it all we ever hoped it would be? Not really. Was it another damn fine night at the multiplex? Hell yeah it was! Hey Sam….time to dust off that old boomstick before Spidey 4 sucks you back into summer movie hell!

7. (TIE) Make-Out With Violence (No Release Date; Limerent Pictures) / Deadgirl (September 15; Dark Sky Films)


I saw these two films about two weeks apart from each other at two separate film festivals in March and April. The first one was at the SXSW Film Festival in Austin, Texas and the second was at the Florida Film Festival. Both flicks are zombie-dramas about boys who keep undead girls locked up for their own twisted needs. But, despite the basic similarities in their plots, these films are as wildly divergent as they are amazingly effective. Make-out with Violence is a lyrical and atmospheric mood piece that is haunting in its beauty. Deadgirl is like what you might get if director Larry Clark (Bully) decided to make a zombie movie–sick and disturbing and choc-ful-o raw and troubling sexual content. Both films stand alone as genuinely creative productions, but together they frame an exciting group of filmmakers that are reinventing the genre right in front of our eyes.

6. Zombie Girl: The Movie (Limited; Bob B. Bob Productions)


Director Emily Hagins has just completed her feature-length zombie film Pathogen, she’s cast it, produced it, shot it, scored it and edited it. It was a labor of love, full of all the learning experiences you’d expect from someone that’s never really made a feature film before–unexpected budget overages, abusing your friends and family, losing footage, re-shoots, fake blood, long nights editing the damn thing on your home computer, you know the drill. The big difference this time? Emily Hagins is 12-years old. Zombie Girl is just a “wow” documentary! What’s more amazing than watching the film unfold, is the fact that not only does Emily succeed in the face of insurmountable odds, its that…I’ve seen Pathogen…and the film is pretty fucking good! Emily is 17 now and working on more feature film scripts everyday! Watch out…cause she’s coming to get you…er…um…Barbara?

5.Martyrs (April 28; Dimension)


Every year, I think that the French New Wave of Horror can’t possible get any more graphic and gory than it did the year before. Then they make, Inside or Frontier(s) or Martyrs! If you think “torture porn” is only the exalted crimson realm of Eli Roth or Jigsaw, then you need to bow down to your new God…Pascal Laugier. Few films can make me cringe, Martyrs damn near made me gouge out my own eyeballs before it was over.

4. The House of the Devil (October 30; Magnet Releasing)


A lot of filmmakers try to homage the movies they loved growing up. Sometimes they do an admirable job at paying respect to the past. Sometimes they do an admirable job at reinventing the past. But, what they never do, and I mean never, is make a film that is indiscernible from the past. Until now. Until Ti West. Until The House of the Devil. Everything from the music, to the lighting, to the 16mm film stock, to the camera angles, set ups, and movements…it’s all authentic. This is a film that could have been made 30 years ago. A film that looks like it was made 30 years ago. It’s grossly fascinating on so many levels as a genre fan, and a horror film historian. But more than anything, it totally works for today too. I don’t know how he did it, or how he’s gonna top it (and look…I liked The Roost and Trigger Man) but baby…I’ll be first in line now for everything Ti West puts his name on after this.

3. Zombieland (October 2; Columbia Pictures)


How much did I love Zombieland? I loved it so much that I saw it twice and very nearly went a 3rd time. Do you know how often I do that? Fucking never, that’s how often I do that. I don’t have time. And I sure don’t have the time in October. If Columbia had opened this flick in February, I’d have moved into the local AMC and just marathoned it all day, everyday, for a week. It’s like an anti-end-of-the-world-film. Zombieland looks so awesome, I actually want to live there! Of course in my Zombieland, Amber Heard and I would get to make-out before she joins the ranks of the undead.

2. Antichrist (October 23, IFC Films)


Vexing. That’s how I feel about this film. That’s how I feel about placing it at number 2 on my list. It could be number 1, and in any other year it would be. It’s a totally different beast–a black bird, a stillborn deer, a creepy fox who coos “chaos reigns”. I make no bones about it, I think Lars von Trier is a genius. He’s working a level that almost no one will ever attain. Equal parts pure artist, sick freak, and social commentator. Don’t like what he has to say or show you? Don’t watch it. And, don’t look into the mirror, you might not like what you see there either. If you don’t think cinema can shake your synapses into a firing frenzy, see this film. If you don’t think cinema can mesmerize with its twisted beauty, see this film. And, especially if you think you’ve seen it all….see this film.

1. Trick ‘r Treat (October 6; Warner Brothers)


In the last decade, I’m hard pressed to recall a film that had more advance hype than this one. Even more amazing, is that Director Mike Dougherty’s film not only lives up to the hype, it might just exceed it. The biggest tragedy of loving horror films as much as I do, is that it sets you up for disappointment at virtually every turn. Trick r Treat doesn’t do that. It doesn’t disappoint. It’s a masterpiece of modern horror, and the best Halloween horror film since John Carpenter spray painted a Captain Kirk mask white and pounded out a few freaky notes in 5/4 time. I could write pages about my unabashed love of this film, it’s already iconic central character and the brilliance of intercutting the Creepshow-esque storylines into a Pulp Fiction-styled narrative. But, I won’t. I’ll just leave you with everyone’s favorite new catchphrase: “Charlie Brown’s an asshole!!!”

HONORABLE MENTIONS


Like I said it was a good year for Studio Horror so, I’ll throw some love to The Orphan, The Uninvited and even Last House on the Left (if you turn it off 5 minutes early). I dug Jennifer’s Body too…so there! On the indie scene Splinter, The Burrowers, Vinyan and Grace finally got off the festival circuit and into my DVD player! If you’ve got kids or you’re just a big kid, Monsters vs Aliens and Coraline made for a super badass 3-D double feature picture show. Sci-fi drama isn’t exactly horror but hey…we covered Moon and District 9 anyway…and be damn glad we did, cause they were both freaking great! Next up, a bunch of good genre docs came out. Especially the trash opus, It Came From Kuchar and the Ozsploitation masterpiece Not Quite Hollywood. And don’t forget about Anchor Bay’s His Name Was Jason, for your unfiltered history of the most unlucky day of the year and Best Worst Movie, the making of, and legacy of, Troll 2! And last, but not least: Birdemic, a film that (when it gets released) you’ll have to see to believe!

2009 Honoraries

Best Worst Film You’ll See in 2010: Birdemic

Best Films I Haven’t Seen Award: Dead Snow, Thirst

Honorary Kevin Smith “Ass to Mouth” Award: Human Centipede

Fuck Up of the Year Award: Magnolia changes the subtitles on Let the Right One In

Dumbest Marketing Award: If you’re remaking a film (Terror Train) to cash in on the name recognition…don’t change the name (now called Train)

No One Believed It Was Real Award: The Fourth Kind

Why Are They Still Doing This Award: After Dark Horrorfest III

Cinematic Armageddon Day: August 28 (The Final Destination and H2 prove that 2 incredibly shitty horror movies opening on the same day can still make big bucks!)

Better than the Theatrical Poster Award: Fantastic Fest Ltd. Ed. Screenprint for Antichrist

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What’s Wrong with My Baby!? Larry Cohen’s ‘It’s Alive’ at 50

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Netflix It's Alive

Soon after the New Hollywood generation took over the entertainment industry, they started having children. And more than any filmmakers that came before—they were terrified. Rosemary’s Baby (1968), The Exorcist (1973), The Omen (1976), Eraserhead (1977), The Brood (1979), The Shining (1980), Possession (1981), and many others all deal, at least in part, with the fears of becoming or being a parent. What if my child turns out to be a monster? is corrupted by some evil force? or turns out to be the fucking Antichrist? What if I screw them up somehow, or can’t help them, or even go insane and try to kill them? Horror has always been at its best when exploring relatable fears through extreme circumstances. A prime example of this is Larry Cohen’s 1974 monster-baby movie It’s Alive, which explores the not only the rollercoaster of emotions that any parent experiences when confronted with the difficulties of raising a child, but long-standing questions of who or what is at fault when something goes horribly wrong.

Cohen begins making his underlying points early in the film as Frank Davis (John P. Ryan) discusses the state of the world with a group of expectant fathers in a hospital waiting room. They discuss the “overabundance of lead” in foods and the environment, smog, and pesticides that only serve to produce roaches that are “bigger, stronger, and harder to kill.” Frank comments that this is “quite a world to bring a kid into.” This has long been a discussion point among people when trying to decide whether to have kids or not. I’ve had many conversations with friends who have said they feel it’s irresponsible to bring children into such a violent, broken, and dangerous world, and I certainly don’t begrudge them this. My wife and I did decide to have children but that doesn’t mean that it’s been easy.

Immediately following this scene comes It’s Alive’s most famous sequence in which Frank’s wife Lenore (Sharon Farrell) is the only person left alive in her delivery room, the doctors clawed and bitten to death by her mutant baby, which has escaped. “What does my baby look like!? What’s wrong with my baby!?” she screams as nurses wheel her frantically into a recovery room. The evening that had begun with such joy and excitement at the birth of their second child turned into a nightmare. This is tough for me to write, but on some level, I can relate to this whiplash of emotion. When my second child was born, they came about five weeks early. I’ll use the pronouns “they/them” for privacy reasons when referring to my kids. Our oldest was still very young and went to stay with my parents and we sped off to the hospital where my wife was taken into an operating room for an emergency c-section. I was able to carry our newborn into the NICU (natal intensive care unit) where I was assured that this was routine for all premature births. The nurses assured me there was nothing to worry about and the baby looked big and healthy. I headed to where my wife was taken to recover to grab a few winks assuming that everything was fine. Well, when I awoke, I headed back over to the NICU to find that my child was not where I left them. The nurse found me and told me that the baby’s lungs were underdeveloped, and they had to put them in a special room connected to oxygen tubes and wires to monitor their vitals.

It’s difficult to express the fear that overwhelmed me in those moments. Everything turned out okay, but it took a while and I’m convinced to this day that their anxiety struggles spring from these first weeks of life. As our children grew, we learned that two of the three were on the spectrum and that anxiety, depression, ADHD, and OCD were also playing a part in their lives. Parents, at least speaking for myself, can’t help but blame themselves for the struggles their children face. The “if only” questions creep in and easily overcome the voices that assure us that it really has nothing to do with us. In the film, Lenore says, “maybe it’s all the pills I’ve been taking that brought this on.” Frank muses aloud about how he used to think that Frankenstein was the monster, but when he got older realized he was the one that made the monster. The aptly named Frank is wondering if his baby’s mutation is his fault, if he created the monster that is terrorizing Los Angeles. I have made plenty of “if only” statements about myself over the years. “If only I hadn’t had to work so much, if only I had been around more when they were little.” Mothers may ask themselves, “did I have a drink, too much coffee, or a cigarette before I knew I was pregnant? Was I too stressed out during the pregnancy?” In other words, most parents can’t help but wonder if it’s all their fault.

At one point in the film, Frank goes to the elementary school where his baby has been sighted and is escorted through the halls by police. He overhears someone comment about “screwed up genes,” which brings about age-old questions of nature vs. nurture. Despite the voices around him from doctors and detectives that say, “we know this isn’t your fault,” Frank can’t help but think it is, and that the people who try to tell him it isn’t really think it’s his fault too. There is no doubt that there is a hereditary element to the kinds of mental illness struggles that my children and I deal with. But, and it’s a bit but, good parenting goes a long way in helping children deal with these struggles. Kids need to know they’re not alone, a good parent can provide that, perhaps especially parents that can relate to the same kinds of struggles. The question of nature vs. nurture will likely never be entirely answered but I think there’s more than a good chance that “both/and” is the case. Around the midpoint of the film, Frank agrees to disown the child and sign it over for medical experimentation if caught or killed. Lenore and the older son Chris (Daniel Holzman) seek to nurture and teach the baby, feeling that it is not a monster, but a member of the family.

It’s Alive takes these ideas to an even greater degree in the fact that the Davis Baby really is a monster, a mutant with claws and fangs that murders and eats people. The late ’60s and early ’70s also saw the rise in mass murderers and serial killers which heightened the nature vs. nurture debate. Obviously, these people were not literal monsters but human beings that came from human parents, but something had gone horribly wrong. Often the upbringing of these killers clearly led in part to their antisocial behavior, but this isn’t always the case. It’s Alive asks “what if a ‘monster’ comes from a good home?” In this case is it society, environmental factors, or is it the lead, smog, and pesticides? It is almost impossible to know, but the ending of the film underscores an uncomfortable truth—even monsters have parents.

As the film enters its third act, Frank joins the hunt for his child through the Los Angeles sewers and into the L.A. River. He is armed with a rifle and ready to kill on sight, having divorced himself from any relationship to the child. Then Frank finds his baby crying in the sewers and his fatherly instincts take over. With tears in his eyes, he speaks words of comfort and wraps his son in his coat. He holds him close, pats and rocks him, and whispers that everything is going to be okay. People often wonder how the parents of those who perform heinous acts can sit in court, shed tears, and defend them. I think it’s a complex issue. I’m sure that these parents know that their child has done something evil, but that doesn’t change the fact that they are still their baby. Your child is a piece of yourself formed into a whole new human being. Disowning them would be like cutting off a limb, no matter what they may have done. It doesn’t erase an evil act, far from it, but I can understand the pain of a parent in that situation. I think It’s Alive does an exceptional job placing its audience in that situation.

Despite the serious issues and ideas being examined in the film, It’s Alive is far from a dour affair. At heart, it is still a monster movie and filled with a sense of fun and a great deal of pitch-black humor. In one of its more memorable moments, a milkman is sucked into the rear compartment of his truck as red blood mingles with the white milk from smashed bottles leaking out the back of the truck and streaming down the street. Just after Frank agrees to join the hunt for his baby, the film cuts to the back of an ice cream truck with the words “STOP CHILDREN” emblazoned on it. It’s a movie filled with great kills, a mutant baby—created by make-up effects master Rick Baker early in his career, and plenty of action—and all in a PG rated movie! I’m telling you, the ’70s were wild. It just also happens to have some thoughtful ideas behind it as well.

Which was Larry Cohen’s specialty. Cohen made all kinds of movies, but his most enduring have been his horror films and all of them tackle the social issues and fears of the time they were made. God Told Me To (1976), Q: The Winged Serpent (1982), and The Stuff (1985) are all great examples of his socially aware, low-budget, exploitation filmmaking with a brain and It’s Alive certainly fits right in with that group. Cohen would go on to write and direct two sequels, It Lives Again (aka It’s Alive 2) in 1978 and It’s Alive III: Island of the Alive in 1987 and is credited as a co-writer on the 2008 remake. All these films explore the ideas of parental responsibility in light of the various concerns of the times they were made including abortion rights and AIDS.

Fifty years after It’s Alive was initially released, it has only become more relevant in the ensuing years. Fears surrounding parenthood have been with us since the beginning of time but as the years pass the reasons for these fears only seem to become more and more profound. In today’s world the conversation of the fathers in the waiting room could be expanded to hormones and genetic modifications in food, terrorism, climate change, school and other mass shootings, and other threats that were unknown or at least less of a concern fifty years ago. Perhaps the fearmongering conspiracy theories about chemtrails and vaccines would be mentioned as well, though in a more satirical fashion, as fears some expectant parents encounter while endlessly doomscrolling Facebook or Twitter. Speaking for myself, despite the struggles, the fears, and the sadness that sometimes comes with having children, it’s been worth it. The joys ultimately outweigh all of that, but I understand the terror too. Becoming a parent is no easy choice, nor should it be. But as I look back, I can say that I’m glad we made the choice we did.

I wonder if Frank and Lenore can say the same thing.

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