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[BEST & WORST ’11] Micah’s List of the Worst Horror Films of 2011!

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Bloody Disgusting 2011 Best and Worst Horror Movies

Horror movies can be outstanding in the right hands (Kubrick, Scott, Polanski). And can also be a lot of fun if done right (Raimi, Jackson). These picks have none of those qualities.

Instead, the flicks I’ve chosen are a wasteland of disappointment and opportunity lost. It goes to show that there are a lot of ways to screw up a film and that there are always individuals / studios out there willing to do just that. The films range from a cringe-inducing horror comedy based on a solidly hilarious comic, an angst-ridden bastardization of a famous fairy tale, to a mind-boggling suckfest that might be the worst film of the decade so far. These five films should exercise the right to remain silent (and unseen)…forever.

Worst Horror of 2011: Micah

Mr. Disgusting (Best/Worst) | Ryan Daley (Best/Worst) | BC (Best/Worst) | David Harley (Best/Worst)
Micah (Best/Worst) | Lonmonster (Best/Worst) | Evan Dickson (Best/Worst) | Lauren Taylor (Best/Worst)
Posters (Best/Worst) | Trailers (Best/Worst) | Performances (Best)

5. The Human Centipede Part 2 (10/17/11; IFC Midnight)


It’s okay to not like stuff that sucks. Maybe it’s just me, but I feel like others out there must not buy into this film and it’s purposefully over-the-top shock jock propaganda. And I’m not some middle America housewife who spends her free time picketing against Marilyn Manson. I love gore, blood, evil doctors, and butt-sewing as much as the next guy, but I found nothing in this film worthwhile. A stylistic turd is still a turd and controversy for controversy sake is obnoxious.

4. Dylan Dog: Dead of Night (4/29/11; Freestyle Releasing)


The least funny horror comedy of the year. I remember thinking to myself wile watching, “This movie would be better with Paris Hilton in it” and at around the hour mark, “I wonder what’s on reality TV tonight?”

3. Red Riding Hood (3/11/11; Warner Bros. Pictures)


I attempted, in good faith, to watch this movie again after I fell asleep during the first viewing, because of what I assume was my body shutting itself down due to excessive teen angst. Moral of that story is this movie was even worse the second time around. I have the feeling that I probably should have watched a trailer or listened to everyone EVER that this movie was garbage.

2. The Roommate (2/4/11; Sony Screen Gems)


It’s the movie that bravely supports kitten abuse. Hilarious stuff. It’s of importance to note that the target audience for this movie is teenage girls who judge each other by what “hot guy team” they drool over. It’s not meant to be taken seriously by adults with brains. Minka Kelly and Cam Gigandet (30ish playing an underclassmen) should be taken behind a woodshed and flogged for their performances. The flogging should be televised and free sandwiches should be handed out for those who attend in person.

1. Creature (9/9/11; Bubble Factory)


To call Creature bad would not be accurate. It’s stupendously, stunningly, staggeringly bad. B.A.D. If you like horror films with pesky things like coherent plots, remotely believable characters, on screen kills or even the smallest nugget of a redeeming quality you need to look elsewhere. Creature is the Ed Hardy of horror films. I don’t know; maybe if you drink a bunch of Jaeger bombs while tanning with your Brosephs this fun tunnel of a movie would totally crush. The cast is the most unlikeable bunch of asshats this side of Altitude, who inexplicably are ALL still alive an hour plus into the movie. A remarkably moronic ending finally puts this movie down for the count. But hey, at least no one fell for this nonsense. Creature has the dubious honor of the worst EVER opening for a wide release – with less than six people attending each showing the first weekend. While audiences weren’t fooled, this movie is an embarrassment to the genre and horror fans alike. Blerg. The only question is: Is it bad enough to be become successful midnight movie?

2011 Honorees and Accolades:

Movie So Bad I Forgot About It Until After This Article Was Already Submitted: Hellraiser: Revelations. Words like terribad were invented for films like this one. Then again, should we have expected more from a movie that was made, in two weeks, solely to save the rights to the franchise by the studio? Clive Barker said it best when he declared that this movie was nor from his mind or his a**hole. Ouch.

Not Quite Top 10: Monsters, Undocumented, The Yellow Sea, Seconds Apart and Snowtown.

TV That Sucked, Then Became Awesome: American Horror Story. The first few episodes felt like corporal punishment, but then, like a Phoenix rising out the ashes, sh*t got real…good. The same can be said of True Blood’s finale episode, which nearly redeemed an entire season of suck in one fell swoop.

Biggest Flop of the Year: Remakes, Prequels and Remakequels. None of the many big-budget studio cash grabs did anything for me. Most just made me want to perform a memory lobotomy that would allow me to forget I wasted my time and money. Case in point, I’ve had Arby’s meals that were more memorable than Fright Night 3D or The Thing.

Biggest Disappointment: Piranha 3DD. Since the moment the credits rolled on Piranha 3D I’ve been excited to get back to the fishy action. C’mon, Ving Rhames asks someone to “bring me my legs” in the hilarious trailer for the sequel. That’s tough to beat. All I wanted for this holiday season was for someone to bring me a sequel to my favorite cheese ball horror flick of 2010. Studio. Release. Fail. P.S. Shark Night 3D only made my longing for 3D piranhas attacking big boobed bloody bimbos worse.

Best Disc Release:Island of the Lost Souls from The Criterion Collection. Beautiful in every possible way.

Best Use of Breaking the 4th Wall: Rubber. The movie itself was a little too discombobulated to check in as one of my faves of the year, but it was certainly one of the most inventive. Plus, who doesn’t like telekinetic head explosions?

Best Gimmick: Oscillating Camera in Paranormal Activity 3. Nothing else came close to causing as many white-knuckling, heart-stopping moments. You could literally feel the tension grow with each mechanical swoop the damn thing made.

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Editorials

Beyond Freddy Krueger: 6 of Robert Englund’s Most Memorable Monster Roles

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Robert Englund horror roles

Horror was permanently changed in 1984 when Wes Craven’s A Nightmare on Elm Street unleashed Freddy Krueger on the world. This brutal boogeyman pushed horror to exciting new places, but so much of the character’s impact is the result of Robert Englund’s quintessential performance.

Englund has a long and storied career as a performer that’s covered far more than horror alone. However, there’s such a sublime, sinister synergy between Englund and this heightened genre that’s made him one of horror’s most revered names.

Englund is set to scare audiences again as a malevolent reimagining of Jiminy Cricket in Pinocchio Unstrung, but he’s also been responsible for many more macabre monsters.


The Cricket (Pinocchio Unstrung)

Winnie the Pooh: Blood and Honey has somehow spun a morbid experiment in public domain exploitation into its own cinematic universe, the Twisted Childhood Universe. There’s been increasing promise in the TCU’s various films, which has also led to a growing list of capable horror guest stars, such as Roger L. Jackson, Richard Brake, and now Robert Englund. Englund is by far the most impressive name to attach himself to one of these movies, and Pinocchio Unstrung certainly doesn’t squander the opportunity to have him on board as its terrifying take on Jiminy Cricket. Englund’s performance as “The Cricket” in Pinocchio Unstrung becomes a sinister subversion of the classic character who is meant to function as Pinocchio’s conscience and moral compass. 

Englund’s Cricket is instead the ultimate instigator who perpetually pushes Pinocchio into greater violence that condemns humanity and its many misgivings, rather than idolizing all the “real boys” in the world. Pinocchio Unstrung is a love letter to practical effects and old-fashioned animatronics and puppetry. This means that Englund just provides the voice for Cricket, but it’s still a deeply sinister performance and one of the most unnerving characters to appear in the Twisted Childhood Universe. Once again, Englund is careful not to just repurpose his Freddy Krueger persona, and he instead develops an original voice that plays into past renditions of the character. There’s a palpable rage and disdain in Englund’s Cricket that turns him into a threatening loose cannon and makes the audience forget that he’s only a few inches tall.


The Phantom of the Opera (The Phantom of the Opera)

Robert Englund's Phantom spreads his wings in The Phantom of the Opera (1989).

The Phantom of the Opera is a foundational horror story that’s still being explored over a century later. 1989’s cinematic adaptation of Gaston Leroux’s 1910 classic doesn’t always get the respect that it deserves, despite it containing one of Englund’s most nuanced horror performances. Directed by Dwight H. Little, who previously helmed the underrated Halloween 4, The Phantom of the Opera operates as a gorier take on Leroux’s source material that feels like a lost Hammer Film picture. The titular Phantom is the perfect role for Englund following A Nightmare on Elm Street, and his participation in the picture was initiated by Englund promising his agent that he’d do another horror project after Elm Street’s success.

Englund was excited to tackle an iconic character who had previously been portrayed by formative horror legends like Herbert Lom, Claude Rains, and Lon Chaney. Englund beautifully fits the mold and is sublime casting for this ‘80s take on the character. Englund taps into a powerful dichotomy between the Phantom’s brutal and tragically sympathetic nature. It’s a role that’s significantly deeper than Freddy Krueger and better explores Englund’s range as an actor, which helps get him away from cheesy one-liners. It also doesn’t hurt that Little concocts a uniquely twisted take on the Phantom’s disfigurement, which was achieved by sewing human skin onto Englund’s face. The modern-day sequences that bookend the film were meant to tie into a planned sequel, The Phantom of the Opera 2: Terror in Manhattan, which unfortunately never came to fruition.


Victor Creel (Stranger Things)

Robert Englund's Victor Creel blinded in Stranger Things.

Love it or hate it, Stranger Things assembled some impressive guest stars that took advantage of their respective legacies as ‘80s genre legends, such as Linda Hamilton, Matthew Modine, Cary Elwes, and Robert Englund. Englund’s turn as Victor Creel in the streaming hit’s fourth season is one of the series’ best performances and a role that rises above the mediocrity around it. Victor Creel is an opportunity for Englund to actually subvert expectations and play against type. It’s brilliant casting that initially conditions the audience to be wary of Creel and view him as a frightening threat. This perception is reinforced when Creel is encountered in a psychiatric ward and horrifically blinded. 

Creel’s disturbing eye-gouged appearance is revealed to actually be a symptom of his tragic life and the psychological torment he received from Vecna. Creel is hard to look at, but there’s nothing to fear about him. He’s led a sad life that’s filled with inescapable guilt. He’s more like one of Freddy Krueger’s victims than Freddy himself. Englund goes above and beyond as Victor Creel, and the emotional monologues that he delivers are among some of the actor’s best work and proof that Englund’s still got it.


Marquis de Sade (Night Terrors)

Tobe Hooper’s Night Terrors is a particularly forgettable ’90s horror film that faced a litany of production problems and changes that certainly didn’t do it any favors. The story is a mess, even for a Cannon Video production, but it provides the novelty of Englund pulling double duty as the cruel Marquis de Sade and his modern day descendant, Paul Chevalier. Night Terrors banked on the novelty of Hooper directing Englund as one of history’s greatest monsters, and his performance is easily the best thing about this movie.

There’s an unabashed glee to Englund’s work as the Marquis de Sade that’s reminiscent of Freddy Krueger’s twisted jubilation over his creative murders, yet it doesn’t just feel like a carbon copy of Englund’s iconic role. There’s an appreciated degree of restraint going on before the film goes off the rails and incorporates supernatural elements and abstract dream sequences. Chevalier and his modern cult worship the Marquis de Sade as a deity of torture and liberation.  The nightmare sequences that involve the Marquis de Sade are the most chilling and make this figure look as frightening on the outside as he is on the inside. There’s enough to latch onto here, even if the film as a whole is a mess, and Englund doesn’t squander the opportunity to play two sides of the same creepy coin.


Scarecrow (Injustice 2)

Robert Englund's Scarecrow approaches for battle in Injustice 2.

Robert Englund is no stranger to voiceover work, and he’s voiced his share of macabre and memorable characters over the years. That being said, one of his most inspired roles is the work that he did in NetherRealm’s dark DC Comics-based fighter, Injustice 2, where he plays Jonathan Crane, better known as the Scarecrow. There’s a certain tongue-in-cheek brilliance to having Englund voicing the Batman rogue who is the self-appointed “Master of Fear.” There’s certainly a meta quality to Englund’s casting here, right down to how some of his dialogue explicitly references Freddy Krueger one-liners like “Welcome to your nightmare” and “Now I’m playing with power.”

Englund doesn’t just phone in this performance or replicate his work as Freddy. The actor cultivates a unique voice for Scarecrow that cuts to the core of this character in a menacing manner. Englund’s Scarecrow is raspy, erratic, and honestly one of the better takes on Dr. Crane. It makes one wonder what he’d be able to accomplish if he were playing the part in live-action. He takes a simple role and breathes fresh life into it. Curiously, it’s not his first time playing a Batman villain. He does comparably interesting work as The Riddler in The Batman and the more obscure sorcerer, Felix Faust, in Justice League.


Evil Bloodthirsty Brian (The Hughleys)

Robert Englund's Evil Bloodthirsty Brian lights a match in The Hughleys.

There’s a surprising relationship between horror icons and sitcoms, with Robert Englund being no stranger to adding a devious dose of terror to a farcical comedy. Englund shows up as a playful take on Lucifer in Married…with Children, but he also provides a genuinely chilling performance in the first season of The Hughleys. Season one’sStorm O’ the Centuryis centered around the Hughleys and Rogerses getting stranded at a seemingly haunted hotel during an intense blizzard.

Storm O’ the Centuryfunctions as a proper love letter to horror fans, with genre guest stars that include The Addams Family’s John Astin, The Shining’s Shelley Duvall, and Robert Englund as the comically-named Evil Bloodthirsty Brian. The episode certainly prioritizes its comedy, but it manages to also be legitimately creepy thanks to a locked-in performance by Englund. He’s used sparingly, but always to punctuate a particular scene and function as a jump scare. Evil Bloodthirsty Brian sports a ghastly scar and has a look that’s just frightening enough to be included on a ’90s sitcom. Anyone who is curious about Englund’s performance can check it out for free on Tubi.

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