Some of you might recognize filmmaker Mark Young's name from his feature film Tooth and Nail, that took its theatrical bow last year at the After Dark Horrorfest. I haven't seen that film but from what I heard, some people really thought the film showed promise for Young. The end however was just slightly above mediocre. SOUTHERN GOTHIC, his follow up film which premiered at SXSW this year, should be looked at as the definitive proving ground for Young. But, instead of wowing me, the only thing he proved was that he could make one of most sorry excuses for a horror film I've seen in years.

Yul Vasquez plays Hazel Fortune, a bouncer at a strip club in the middle of nowhereville. Fortune spends his days feeling sorry for himself after his family was killed and hitting on the strippers. Pitt (William Forsythe), a local pastor, shows up one day, pining over the club's newest employee Starla (Nicole DuPort, who also starred in Young's Tooth and Nail). Pitt tries to get a little too personal with Starla and gets punched in the face and kicked out by Fortune.

Up until this point, I thought that the film still might have had some potential, if it turned into some sort of Preacher adaptation. But, there was just something about Forsythe's character that just wasn't bad ass enough.

Pitt returns to his church, only to get bitten by a vampire. Instead of bursting in flames as every vampire should when they enter a church filled with crosses (are vampires even allowed into churches regardless?), he gives a sermon and turns his entire congregation into the undead.

The rest of the film is extremely predictable, as Pitt and his crew find Starla and turn her into one of them, while Fortune is left to babysit her daughter and take vengeance on the undead holy rollers.

Before the screening had started, Young introduced the film and said that it would be preceded by one or two short films. After the Alamo trailers, we got an opening sequence where a man argues with a woman in a bedroom, stabs her and then gets dressed. On his way out, the woman comes back to life and bites him, with the screen going black right afterwards. Up until this point, I thought it was one of the short films. It had a gritty vibe going for it but other than that, the acting was horrendous, the gore was childish and, something I rarely ever comment on, the lighting seemed to have done by some first year film students. I mean, it gave every appearance of being a student film. Then, a few seconds later, the title pops up on the black screen. SOUTHERN GOTHIC.

I tried to give the benefit of the doubt to the film and Young. I thought maybe it was just a tacked on opening sequence done at the last minute. I've seen plenty of films that started off awful and got much better after a few minutes. But, that opening sequence was a true sign of things to come.

In fact, it got considerably worse as it went on. Every single actor in this film looked like they were reading off of a cue card. I haven't ever heard of any of these actors, save for Forsythe but I'm thinking there's probably a good reason why. I've seen livelier acting in the CSI morgue scenes. As for Forsythe, well, if he keeps slumming it in stuff like this and RZ's Halloween, he isn't going to have any more B-movie star credability. Granted, I'm looking at his IMDB resume right now and I'm seeing only like two or three movies on there that I actually kinda like (or have seen) but, hey, this guy always has a line a mile long at conventions so he has got some sort of following. Even if he had injected some charisma into this turkey, I don't think it would have saved it.

What really disappointed me the most is how formulaic and stagnant the entire film was. It was completely devoid of any heart whatsoever. It seemed like Young just wrote it over a weekend, in the same way we all imagine George Lucas wrote Episode I. Except that we all flock like sheep to a Star Wars film and, well, no one is going to get past 10 minutes of this film unless they're a glutton for punishment. Heck, by the time the movie was over, the theatre had at least two dozen less people in it.

I'm offended that Young actually submitted SOUTHERN GOTHIC to SXSW. I can't even imagine how he thought someone would pick this up for distribution. The only thing more offensive than that is that it actually made it in! I suspect that it'll fade into obscurity after this week, never to be seen again which I'm thankful for. Having actually sat through this, I'd like to recommend to the film's marketing crew that the tag line should officially be changed from "Pray for Dawn" to "Pray for this movie to be over."