For you guys who don't last more than 30-seconds in bed, you need Spooky Dan's quick-shot reviews to add to that lifestyle. Here at B-D we're sick off all the lame ass movies with good-looking covers, there are so many that I don't want to keep adding these films to our database and giving them the time of day they don't deserve. So this new bi-weekly report is here to tell you which piece of crap is the best if you must rent something. And who knows, maybe we'll find a gem hiding in the rough? Read on for Spooky's second report...
Spooky Dan's Quick-Shot reviews
From a real man who can appreciate a good piece of crap!
Yo Ho bitches, it’s that time to quickly read over my latest batch of movie reviews of films (if you can call them that) coming to a video store near you. So settle in for three ultra quick reviews.
Great news for you aspiring filmmakers out there!!! Lions Gate Home Entertainment is giving away money and distribution to anyone with a nice 24P video camera and a cornfield. You don’t even have to have any decent editing skills! Almost any of us can get access to a haunted cornfield and a camera, and essentially that is what you see for about 2 thirds of this film, a POV of a man searching through this never-ending Halloween cornfield maze. Now, if you take out all the lame and unnecessary footage of the cornfield, you are left with about 15 – 20 minutes of a film. The movie itself opens with a guy sitting down to a snack with some of the worst acting and editing I have ever seen! Not “good” bad, just “bad” bad. So even though I do NOT recommend anyone wastes their valuable time watching this super boring and useless imitation of a film, remember that Lions Gate, YES LIONS GATE!! released this crap. I, myself, am saving for a 24P camera so I can take it into the bathroom with me while I crap out some spicy Mexican food, and maybe, just maybe, it can be more interesting than this “sh-tty” (get it?) film. Are you listening Lions Gate??
Lesbians, vampires, college co-eds, pottery. All pieces of an appropriately made direct to video vampire (ish) film. Another shot on video and direct to DVD release, this one is an actual attempt at making a decent film, with pretty good production value. Now, I have a really cool thing to report about this movie, it’s full of good nudity, and in particular one of the main characters is a kind of heavy set attractive lezbo vampire chick that gets naked and kills. I like hot skinny Blondes as much as the next guy, but its pretty cool to see someone casting a different type girl in a movie like this. Either the director is very edgy and innovative, or he just couldn’t get a typical Hollywood hot chick that can act for the roll. I will just assume that he is doing something new, Good Job Dude! As far as the film is concerned it’s pretty much a by the book lezbo vampire story with a few scenes of non sexy pottery sculpting. A decent rent, but someone needs to teach the distribution company about Photoshop, because the cover sucks ass! Maybe the DVD cover artist at Lions Gate that makes all the amazing covers (for ****ty movies) can moonlight over here at Hart Smart video, and use his/her talents for something of a better quality.
Straight to DVD quirky little Canadian film with no nudity, no corn fields , and no pottery. But it’s an OK movie as long as you rent it on dollar day. It’s strange to review a movie where I find myself just falling down the middle of the road. It’s a decently done film with some really good acting and a kick ass premise, but the pacing is so uneven, it wants really badly to be funny in a “Heathers” kind of a way, but never quite hits the mark. Sarah Polly is the only name you will recognize, and she does a fine job as usual… as does the rest of this cast in a black comedy about a group of brothers and sisters that accidentally (on purpose) kill their wicked step parents. The end of this film falls apart, but it’s a fairly enjoyable ride if you have some patience.
Overall - 6
Nudity - 0
Gore - 1
Cheese Factor - 1
That’s it for this edition of Spookydan’s one-minute reviews, stay tuned to find more gems to be avoided!!
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