Editorials
Top 10 Offscreen Horror Kills We Wish We’d Seen!
While there’s certainly a time and place for subtlety in horror films, sometimes you’re just in the mood to see some good old-fashioned onscreen bloodletting. Forget what the media tells you; watching senseless, gory murder after senseless, gory murder is a relatively healthy way to get out your frustrations. After all, it’s only make-believe (at least for those of us able to distinguish fantasy from reality). That being said, some of the most effective movie murders have actually taken place off-screen; whether through the use of sound effects or the mere suggestion of violence happening just beyond that closed door, what you work up in your mind is often more terrifying than anything the filmmakers could show you. Nevertheless, there’s always a part of the gore-hound in me that can’t help but feel slightly cheated by a quick cutaway just as the killer is about to finish off his/her victim. There are tons of examples I could cite, but the following ten are the ones that stick out most in my mind.
#10
Film: Seven (1995)
Victim: Tracy Mills (Gwyneth Paltrow)
Killer: John Doe (Kevin Spacey)
Method: Decapitation
The shock ending of Seven relied on Paltrow’s death being kept off-screen, but my morbid curiosity still couldn’t help but get the best of me. How, exactly, did the whole thing go down? Also, given that the actress in question is the squeaky-clean, golden-locked, unabashed elitist Gwyneth Paltrow, it would’ve been kinda fun to see her (character) die. At the very least, Fincher could’ve given us a glimpse of Paltrow’s “pretty” severed head.
#9
Film: The Blair Witch Project (1999)
Victim: Heather Donahue (Heather Donahue)
Killer: The Blair Witch?
Method: Unknown
We just have to assume Donahue bit the dust, since we see absolutely nothing except her camera being knocked to the ground in the final scene. It’s too bad, considering how insanely annoying she’d grown by the third act. By that point, it frankly would’ve been tons of fun to witness her character suffering an agonizing death at the hands of the Blair Witch. That goes for the two dudes as well; after being forced to listen to those three oafs squabbling amongst themselves in a forest for 2/3 of the film, god knows we deserved the release.
#8
Film: Let the Right One In (2008)
Victims: Conny (Patrik Rydmark), Jimmy (Rasmus Luthander), Martin (Mikael Erhardsson)
Killer: Eli (Lina Leandersson)
Method: Dismemberment, Decapitation
Having been horribly bullied myself in junior high, the ending to sweet coming-of-age vampire movie Let the Right One In was a dark fantasy come true, with Oskar’s tormentors getting their comeuppance in sensationally grisly fashion. Not that we actually got to see much of it – only a couple severed body parts drifting down into the pool from above, and the aftermath – but it would’ve been nice to witness the havoc as Eli plowed through the fuckers like a raging maniac. Yes, the underwater shots were very effective, and it was certainly a more artistic way to go about illustrating the slaughter, but the 12-year-old in me still yearned to see those bastards get their comeuppance up close and personal.
#7
Film: Alien (1979)
Victim: Lambert (Veronica Cartwright)
Killer: The Alien (Bolaji Badejo)
Method: Likely stabbed through the head with the Alien’s “second mouth”
While we do see some of Lambert’s body when Ripley discovers she and Parker’s bloody remains in the coolant room, her actual death occurs off-screen. Granted, her frantic, strangely orgasmic breathing and final scream are insanely chilling – without a doubt some of the most terrifying audio ever recorded for a film – and the Alien tail slithering around her ankles and up her thigh gives the impression of, shall we say, interspecies rape. Fans have debated endlessly over whether Lambert was indeed “despoiled” before death, and the suggestion alone is chilling to contemplate. As for me, I’ve mulled this particular scene over and over in my head after every viewing, and I can’t help but morbidly wonder what exactly went down in that dark room.
#6
Film: House of 1000 Corpses (2003)
Victim: Denise Willis (Erin Daniels)
Killer: Dr. Satan (Walter Phelan)
Method: Torture
I know it’s sadistic, but we did wait the entire movie to see the kind of damage Dr. Satan was capable of inflicting, and then Zombie left us hanging by cutting away (no pun intended) just as the carnage was about to begin. Granted, it was probably an appropriate way to end the movie; like most off-screen deaths, there’s some artistic value in suggesting rather than showing. Nevertheless, the sound of an electric surgical tool being fired up just before the credits gave us a rather potent visual to ponder in our own heads.
#5
Film: The Black Cat (1934)
Victim: Hjalmar Poelzig (Boris Karloff)
Killer: Dr. Vitus Werdergast (Bela Lugosi)
Method: Skinned alive
In this infamous climactic scene from director Edgar G. Ulmer’s early horror masterpiece (very loosely based on an Edgar Allan Poe short story), the tables are turned on Satan-worshipping architect Hjamar Poelzig when Lugosi’s tragic hero chains him up to an embalming rack before proceeding to skin him alive with a scalpel. We only see the deed performed in silhouette (this is 1934, after all), but I’ll bet legendary makeup artist Jack Pierce would’ve had great fun creating the gory effect had he been given the chance.
#4
Film: Predator (1987)
Victim: Billy (Sonny Landham)
Killer: The Predator (Kevin Peter Hall)
Method: Likely stabbed to death or impaled
Billy’s intentions may have been good, but let’s get real: he only bought the remaining three characters about 6.5 seconds of escape time (for such a bad-ass, he sure did go down easy). We at least get to see the Predator ripping Billy’s skull and spine from his dead body later on, but unfortunately we aren’t shown the final few moments of the Navajo’s life – only his high-pitched screams as the alien does some undoubtedly fucked-up, painful shit to him. Given that he threw away his gun for his final “battle” with the alien hunter on the log bridge, let’s just assume method of death was being sliced and diced (that whole Predator honor thing).
#3
Film: The Hitcher (1986)
Victim: Nash (Jennifer Jason Leigh)
Killer: John Ryder (Rutger Hauer)
Method: Ripped in half
In one of the most queasy scenes in movie history, Rutger Hauer ties Jennifer Jason Leigh between two trucks, hops in the driver’s seat of one, steps on the gas and…well, your mind can fill in the rest. It’s going to have to, since you don’t actually see her death on screen, merely the cringe-inducing sight of the actress struggling as her body is stretched to the limit (although you do get to hear some sweet body-ripping sound effects). While the Michael Bay remake does showcase the same scene (this time with a male character) complete with its gory climax, I’d much rather have seen the gruesome effect utilized in service of the far superior ’86 version.
#2
Film: Night of the Living Dead (1968)
Victim: Barbra (Judith O’Dea)
Killer: Zombies
Method: Presumably eaten alive
Let’s face it: Barbra was fucking annoying, and it was a relief when the bitch died. I was only sorry we didn’t get to watch as the zombie hordes ripped out her intestines and proceeded to feast upon them. Funnily enough, in real life Judith O’Dea is now owner of a firm called O’Dea Communications, which specializes in “oral communications training.” Tee-hee.
#1
Film: A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984)
Victim: Glen Lantz (Johnny Depp)
Killer: Freddy Krueger (Robert Englund)
Method: Liquefaction
You might argue this doesn’t count given how gory Glen’s death scene is, but the fact remains that we didn’t get to see the nightmare sequence that would’ve explained exactly how his body was turned into a spewing crimson volcano. Did Freddy throw him into a giant blender? Chew him up and vomit him out? Melt his body down, Raiders of the Lost Ark-style? It’s a cool scene nonetheless, but it can’t help but make you ponder the “nightmarish” details of Glen’s explosive demise.
Editorials
Not Another ‘Scary Movie’: Revisiting Forgotten Parody ‘Shriek If You Know What I Did Last Friday the 13th’
After Scream (1996) made a killing at the box office, as well as won over critics and audiences, a lot of folks in the movie biz thought they could do the same thing (and yield similar results). That thing, of course, being a slasher. Most of these opportunists wound up being pretty straightforward; they were low on humor or commentary. Yet others, like Scary Movie (2000), saw the potential for spoofing Scream, and acted on that impulse with both haste and excitement.
A few months after the Wayans’ comedy first hit theaters, Shriek If You Know What I Did Last Friday the 13th landed on the USA Network, as part of the channel’s “Shriek Week” programming. That straight-to-cable (then home video) destination is possibly why many people still don’t know about this one. Or they simply chose to forget. Whatever the reason, only one of these two horror parodies came out on top—and it’s certainly not the movie where Coolio channeled Prince, and Tom Arnold saved the day.
Shriek If You Know What I Did Last Friday the 13th previously went by the name of I Know What You Screamed Last Semester. That Trimark acquisition then settled on a wordier title, just so it could avoid the litigious wrath of Miramax Films. Folks may or may not remember that Columbia Pictures was sued over the “implied connection” between I Know What You Did Last Summer (1997) and Scream. So, yeah, there was no way that this competing Scream parody wasn’t going to be kept on a tight rein.
A Heavy Reliance on Late ’90s TV References
Simon Rex, Julie Benz, Majandra Delfino, Harley Cross, Danny Strong, Tom Arnold and Tiffani-Amber Thiesen in Shriek If You Know What I Did Last Friday the 13th.
Naturally, there would be similarities between Shriek If You Know What I Did Last Friday the 13th and Scary Movie—their scripts are built on the backs of the same two movies. It goes without saying that the other big slasher of the 1990s, I Know What You Did Last Summer, was as much of a target as Scream. However,the film pads itself with more TV references than Scary Movie did.
Half the cast coming off of (and in some cases, returning to) a WB show could be a reason why. Dawson’s Creek is particularly zeroed in on, based on how there’s a central character named “Dawson Deery“, and how the teen drama’s teacher-student affair plotline is satirized to the nth degree. As if there weren’t enough nods to television, Baywatch, VH1’s Pop Up Video, and even those cheesy Mentos commercials all serve as joke prompts.
Shriek director John Blanchard and writers Sue Bailey and Joe Nelms all hailed from television, so it’s understandable that they would stick close to home. The movie’s humor in general makes more sense, in light of learning that Blanchard worked on SCTV, Kids in the Hall, and MADtv. The writers, on the other hand, were each fairly green, with Bailey being the most experienced of the two; she wrote and produced the game show BattleBots. Nevertheless, they, plus Blanchard, churned out a passable, joke-a-minute movie. The whole thing is staggeringly of its time, but no one here was aiming for longevity.
Having seen enough of these kinds of movies, we know to expect jokes of the low-hanging fruit variety. That’s the parody’s whole prime directive. From the characters having names like “Screw Frombehind” and “Doughy Primesuspect”, to stereotyping that feels taboo nowadays, this is a movie from a different era of comedy. Its coarse, corny, and unapologetic sense of humor won’t sit well with everyone in these more enlightened times. In which case, Shriek If You Know What I Did Last Friday the 13th can be treated as a time capsule.
Does Shriek If You Know What I Did Last Friday the 13th Humor Still Hold Up Today?
“You may already be a victim”—Someone receives a most peculiar threatening piece of mail in Shriek If You Know What I Did Last Friday the 13th.
Although Shriek doesn’t live up to its own claims of being so funny that you’ll die of laughter, its bawdier parts could still lead to some nervous laughter. For instance, after this movie’s parallel to Drew Barrymore’s Scream character is done in—not by the killer but by a bug zapper—the movie throws a newspaper next to the victim’s fresh corpse. The headline? “Popular slut killed! Football team mourns”.
We then move on to the wacky and inappropriate goings-on at Bulimia Falls High School, home of the Hurlers. At this nexus of constant absurdity, indecency, and surrealism, students are seen fornicating on the lawn, cheerleading squad applicants are advised to be comfortable with partial nudity, and terrorists openly prepare for an anthrax attack. It can be a tad jarring to watch, especially if you didn’t grow up witnessing this style of comedy firsthand. Hell, even if you did, you may still have a “what the hell were they thinking?” reaction.
It’s not just the aggressively edgy humor here that can make you chuckle—the slapstick, the sight gags, and the ribaldry all have a decent chance of landing. The movie’s own villain, whose hockey mask was instantly transformed into a crudely Ghostface-esque one after coming in contact with an open flame, commits more cheap laughs than kills. His and his victims’ chase sequences, most of which are cartoonish in nature, left this writer grinning. The Scooby-Doo fan in me also totally ate up that clever unmasking joke.
Final Thoughts on This Forgotten Horror Parody
Shriek If You Know What Did Last Friday the 13th
Now, the jury is still out on whether these comedies are to blame for the death of the first slasher revival. There is more to consider than some parodies. At the very least, the likes of Scary Movie didn’t exactly encourage big studios to put their money on a trend that was being derided to death (and not as profitable as the spoofs). These sorts of movies also felt unnecessary at the time, given how their principal inspiration is already a deconstruction of the genre. But like anything else that quickly becomes popular, mockery is unavoidable.
Shriek If You Know What I Did Last Friday the 13th is indeed a movie nobody asked for, much less needed. As a sample of pre-millennium humor and cultural attitudes, it’s not always precise. But as I’ve laid out, your mileage may vary. Horror parodies typically don’t have the best track record, so managing one’s own expectations here is recommended.
Upon rewatching, I for one laughed a bit more than I did back then. Only this time, I responded to the jokes that my younger self didn’t notice or find all that amusing. So it just goes to show that the movies don’t change—we do.
Harley Cross and Majandra Delfino must unmask the killer a number of times in Shriek If You Know What I Did Last Friday the 13th before learning their true identity.
You must be logged in to post a comment.