REPOST (please excuse the length)!!!!!Tymishu, I'm probably gonna get in real trouble with Mr. D for reposting this, combined with the length, but hey since I apparently like to hear myself talkand for a little belated historical perspective..........THE LIST, here goes..........1) Christmas Carols in a Halloween movie followed by 2) Snow in a Halloween movie 3) A fucking pussy serial killer-in-training absently tossing candy corn on the verge of tears while Nazareth blares in the background 4) The fucking abhorrently childish dialogue 5) The pacing of said dialogue 6) The delivery of said dialogue 7) Malcolm McDowell's performance (abyssmal doesn't quite cover it, give me a few minutes to think up a really good simile) 8) The script (this even exceeded MY direst warnings and I am completely fucking giddy over it, my friends) 9) The last minute rewries and revisions to said script 10) The Shaky cam. Again Michael Myers is not Jason Fucking Bourne. Get over it ROB. It didn't work. 11) Did we really need to know about Joe Grizzley passing a taco-surprise on the can. Again the childish dialogue 12) This is Halloween, NOT fucking Dazed and Confused. The soundtrack was completely inappropriate for a supposedly taut thriller looking to delve deep into the psychological manifestations of a serial killer. 13) Which leads me to Don't Fear the Reaper. Yeah it's great as a shout out to the original, but then repeatedly bringing it back MULTIPLE, MULTIPLE times as a see-how-clever my imagination could be was absolutely absurd. 14) Tom Sawyer...in a Halloween movie??? Odd, at best 15) Myers' acquisition of the uniform. Compare the elegant simplicity with one drop of blood from the original to the over-the-top ass-whoopin that foskee took. Right there lays the heart of this entire project. ROB's ego let it be known that he could make it bigger and bloodier than the movie he once loved as a kid. Right on there brother man! 16) Myers walking miles and miles unchecked and unnoticed practically barefoot and in his prison garb 17) A 10 year old child serial killer able to muredr a government employee in broad daylight, unsupervised despite being labelled one of the most brutal multiple murders ever. 18) Mickey Fucking Dolenz 19) Udo Fucking Kier (what was his role again???) 20) Back to the dialogue for a moment. The way in which the dialogue from the original was repeated and alterred. It was stilted and unbalanced. 21) How many F-Bombs are we gonna pad tis piece of shit with to make it seem edgier and more generationally cool. Childish, dated, and amateur. 22) Did Carpenter need gratuitous titty shots to earn critical praise. Not really. But here ROB parades the boobies in a pathetic effort to instill a collective boner in the under 16 Myspace legions of ROB crowd (though I admit that Harris has got a slammin body) 23) Sherri sucking cock for quarters actually weakened what was a pretty decent take on the whole ailing mother angle. She was one of the few bright spots, you'd almost prefer that she remained a little chaste to give her some dignity. 24) The whole strip club sequence was so poorly cliche and under-imagined that I can't even justify taking up space to print it. 25) Dourif babynapping Laurie 26) Dourif's underutilized role 27) Dourif turning Brackett from an aloof, bumbling hick sheriff into an aloof, misogynistic, apathetic, babynapping, could-care-less about my job hick. 28) What purpose did Dee Wallace Stone serve????? Exactly. 29) Laurie and Annie mock fucking in front of the kids. What the fuck people. I that's the best we could do with a "reimagining" then WWWOOOWWW!!!!! 30) Laurie turned into a complete snide, brat, bitch 31) Laurie turning into a complete blaberring bitch with a gun. 32) She ran away when she had the gun in hand. A group behind me started screaming "Yo bitch, you got the gun" followed by "Can she please shut the fuck up. It's one thing to be the scream queen, but damn. 33) Laurie playing Russian Roulette while straddling an unconscious 7'0 300 lb. serial killer who just ripped down a fucking door. 34) Said 7'0 300 lb. serial killer tackling, YES I SAID TACKLING like LT, a 100 lb 17 year old. 35) Did ROB really think that the deck scene at the end was going to really bring us back to the original????? Come on! 36) Said 7'0 300 lb. psycho serial killer being allowed to induldge the very fetish that caused him to kill in the first place and use that as psychological intimidation of his caretakers in a government mandated sentencing program. NNOO FFUUCCKKIINNGG WWAAYY!!!!! 37) How was Mikey exactly able to smash 2"-thick tungsten-steel chains with his bare hands? Anyone care to explain this one to me or how it is better than the original?? 38) "Happy Halloween Boo" followed by 39) "Trick or Treat Baby" followed by 40) "I'm gonna cut that mask off your fucking face" followed by 41) "In a way Michael, you're like, my best friend, as fucked up as that sounds" followed by 42) "Was that the Boogeyman?" "As a matter of fact I DO BELIEVE THAT indeed that may have actually been....." (and on and on and on it goes) which leads to 43) Everytime that ROB tried to clone or revise a scene from the original he way overworked and jumbled the dialogue, articulation, phrasing, and delivery of the actors lines. Which leads to 44) How fucking bad could the acting have been? The emotional delivery and nuances were bad by fucking Ben Affleck's standards, nevermind those of a third rate horror remake released in August. 45) The last 20 minutes were so fucking boring that I saw at least 25 people exit early while cursing this shit out. 46) As much as I love Kiss, any Michael Myers movie that opens to the strains of "God of Thunder" is destined to be weak as hell. 47) An impaled coyote left as a breadcrumb trail signpost for everyone to see in broad daylight. When the hell did you last see coyotes skulking around the center of town in broad daylight? Coyotes that could be caught by a 7'0 300lb. behemouth who could barely walk and hasn't run in 15 years. 48) The worst performance of McDowell's career. Hands Down. "Working Girl" was fucking Shakespeare compared to this. 49) A fucking wannabe hack director allowed to induldge his hobby, not his career mind you but his hobby, simply because he possesses an iota of MTV face recognition. When you sleep with the dogs, you're gonna catch fleas. That's exactly what everyone here who bought into the belief that an oohh-so-scary, misunderstood emo shock-rocker could instantly make the jump to cinema and then set their hopes and expectations on that absoltely farcical belief. AND FINALLY.....50) The end. What a fucking disappointing way to bring it all home. It was like the handjob from hell that never let you blow your load but you feel steamed because you just spent two hours trying to get it out. 51) A sweet little novel entitled "The Devil's Eyes" Oh how fucking precious. Wasn't it just such a brilliant stroke of genius for ROB to reference out a classic Pleasence line all the while "reimagining" it as a compendium of the psychology of a child serial killer. Again people, What THE F%^K movie were you watching. 52) Was this a Halloween movie or was it the A&E/Lifetime Behind-the-Scenes story of ROB Zombie's dysfuncional childhood. 53) Unless Andre the fucking Giant made a pit stop in a certain Illinois town, Michael was a litle too big for believability's sake (though Mane played it well). Which leads to 54) For a kid who refused to eat, he got big prety damn quick. 55) Nice take on Loomis givin up on the kid who's supposedly become his best friend to go make the duckets exploiting the murder of 4 innocent people. Donald Pleasence would be proud. 56) WQhat the fuck was up with Loomis being a hippie, slacker, incompetant dumbass. Again, Pleasence would be proud. 57) Loomis' REALLY bad hair day. 58) 4 guards on duty coverring a maximum security state-run hospital during the transfer of a highly publicized murderer who just happens to be 7'0/300lb. 59) For a guy who can barely walk, he got himself into REALLY good shape with superhuman strength and lightning quick reflexes (them coyotes don't go down easily there Tex) pretty quickly. 60) Michael Myers DOES NOT CRY like an ornery bitch people. Repeat that: Michael Myers DOES NOT CRY like an ornery bitch!!!!! 61) Brackett's response to his beloved daughter dying in his very hands seemed more reminiscent of an actor staring at a certain extremely hot 4'11 actress (who just happens to be topless) than a father crazed by his child's condition. Not a peep or a scream.....just scopin the boobies. 62) The two desperate attempts to recreate what many of us feel is the climactic moment in the original.....the pumpkin scene. ROB tried it twice. The hanging scarecrow deal was pathetic. The tombstone was less pathetic. Which leads to 63) Most of the weakness in this movie stems from sections where ROB tried to ape the original. Most of it didn't work and ROB would've been much better served to really do his own movie if he couldn't get it any closer han what we saw. 64) Clever little Mikey buried the mask and the murder weapon. Really dumbass police force couldn't find the central piece of evdance in the supposedly most highly publicized violence spree in state's history. 65) Three really unlikeable sluts as a "reimagining" of three really likeable characters who have probably survived the test of time exactly because they weren't simply cannon fodder. Which leads to 66) ROB really took the easy way out with the entire script making the ugly characters die and the pristine characters survive (which is ironically probably why virtually no one survived) I mean not everyone who sufers the fate of these characters deserves it as some sort of fucked up social payback to bring harmony and concordance to the emo and downtrodden. That's why it's a savage crime people. The terror stems from the innocence, not the ugliness. DUH! 67) Blood substituting for fear. 68) Brutality substituting for storytelling and 69) Boobies substituting for character development. 70) Michael Myers IS NOT a schizophrenic. He's conscious evil masquarading with a catatonic front. 71) Myers as a faceless/nameless evil (The Shape) that could emerge anytime, anywhere as opposed to Myers as a sympathetic/misunderstood/emo/headcase succumbing to instances of uncontrollable rage. Which leads to 72) Evil Has A Destiny. Last time I checked, Darth Vader hadn't legally applied for a petition of name change but you sure wouldn't notice it after sitting for 1hr and 49 min through this cinematic masterpiece. 73) What destiny? How does any of that make any sense or relate to what ROB put forth? 74) The last time someone had sex with a character wearing our beloved Shatner mask it was during an incestual S&M peep show richly attended by a forgotten cult of the druidic descendants of some stupid assed celtic rune seeking to 'breed the seed' of a certain famous horror icon. Did we really need to travel down that road again and stir up bad memories from 1995. 75) Pamela Susan Shoop=Danny Trejo..Pamela Susan Shoop=Danny Trejo...Pamela Susan Shoop=Danny Trejo....You see where I'm going with this people. If you are under 18 and haven't had the priviledge of watching a certain other Halloween sequel then I don't expect you to understand. In the water=Out of the water..In the water=Out of the water... and on and on it goes. Real original stuff here. Quite a "bold, new, innovative" direction for the horror movie industry. 76) Nobody asked where the hell the baby was about 5 min. into the search of Casa de Myers. Um yeah, wouldn't Sherri have been noticeably pregnant for oh say about 9 months, and wouldn't someone have known that there was a third child living in the house. But msteriously a baby is nowhere to be found. A dumbass, apathetic redneck is just able to swoop in and myseriously whisk away little Laurie strode undetected by oh say the 20-30 law enforcement officials that were converging on the scene. Nobody cared to ask after-the-fact. Nice continuity work there Robbie. 77) Michael Myers does not feel up his older siser. That shit was just sick. 78) Can anybody who's a an of the original HONESTLY say that THIS Loomis was an improvement over Pleasence. On one hand we have a quiet/tortured/dignified/lone voice in the dark whose life's work becomes the surpression of evil. On the other we have a sarcastic/lazy/poorly-groomed/incompetant huckster who apparently travels 150 miles to cover his a%s. 79) Pleasence was written as the earnest, dilligent, tireless conscience dedicating his life to reaching and then confining the boogeyman. McDowell was written as a half-assed salaried employee jumping ship at the first chance which is beautifully summed up by "this'll be my last visit Michael. yada yada yada" What a wonderful "revision." Is everyone in a position of authority a worthless slacker in ROB Zombie's world? 80) Dee Wallace Stone and Pat Skipper about to get intimate by the fire. That shit is just wrong on so many levels. 81) Like I said before, this "reimagining" is more reminiscent of Ron Howard's "reimagining" of 'The Grinch' than 'The Dawn of the Dead.' Big, bloated, and bloody (disgusting that is). 82) When exactly was this movie supposed to take place? A very confusing timeline to say the least...83) Paul Greengas actually got nauseous at the premiere. Chock one up to the Zombster. 84) Michael Myers DOES NOT keep pet rodents for freaky assed/twisted shit entertainment value...Nor does 85) Michael Myers dissect said rodents for feaky assed/twisted shit/fetishistic entertainment value. Nor does Michael Myers masteurbate to said freaky-assed twisted shit, but hey since it was excised from the script we can let that one go. That doesn't mean that ROB didn't want to put it in the script. Someone had the good sense to push the pause button on ROB's unrestrained creative "vision" with that one. Mercifully. 86) "Driller Killer" followed by 87) "look at the dumper on your daughter" followed by 88) "I did all the heavy lifting" followed by 89) "That was some real faggoty-assed shit there" followed by 90) "I WANNA GO HHOOOMMMMEEEEE!!!!!" 91) Malek Akkad, as the caretaker of this franchise, trying desperately to cash in on the spineless Hollywood flavor-of-the-month remake fad raping our beloved masterpiece to further his own ambition. As well as...92) Malek Akkad pathetically trying to curry favor by choosing a celebrity with little filmmaking credibility and an even shorter scriptwriting resume and then setting up a Myspace feeding-frenzy by a bunch of pathetic preteen sychphants desperately trying to get their avatar on that special "ROB'sFriends" list by blindly singing the praises of a filmmaker who has not paid his dues. 93) As I said before...you don't see many bands trying to cover "Stairway to Heaven" who have a career the next day. A certain someone probably should've taken a lesson from the industry that he did pay his dues in. 94) The complete lack of objectivity by independent horror resources that should've seen the proverbial writing on the wall and raised the alarm as to why the hell this movie needed to be "reimagined" in the first place. THIS site at least had the conscience and the honor to tell it like it was at the end. Let's all try to think back to how 'Fangoria' was salivating all over the industry floor so to speak when Camp Zombie doled out the favors of candy kisses and breaking exclusives in exchange for positive, glowing buzz for a project that not only hadn't earned them, but that should have been raising a few eyebrows, to say the least. 95) Rob's technical people definately need to pay for a couple of refresher courses on basic filmmaking technique 101 (continuity anyone)? 96) Way too cameo heavy (I mean, again, what was Sybill Danning required to do) 97) Loomis went down like a cheap whore. Way too disrespectful to a favorite franchise character. 98) Fucking snow in a Halloween movie. Yeah I said it before, but it was so out of line that it definately needs to get repeated again to hammer the point home. 99) Apparently the Weinsein's thought it wasn't all that as evidanced by the following quote, DESPITE THE EXTREMELY STRONG OPENING, "I never say never... but it would have to be something very, very different....." If this formula is bringing in the bucks, AND ROB was extended for 2 more pictures BEFORE the actual release of this product, then why is the boss saying we need something completely different? It sounds to me like the quote/unquote "fanboy" voice that supposedly influences nothing may actually be ringing loud and clear over at Dimension based on the overwhelmingly negative critical and fan-based views or that the Weinstein's maybe really didn't appreciate Rob Zombie's artistic vision after all.....And FINALLY the one hundredth reason why this movie was a complete nightmare.....100) despite the best efforts and arguements by the teenybopper crowd to spin this otherwise, anyone with half a friggin brain can tell you that after months and months of anticipation, sniping, and spin that this movie was a complete friggin disaster. It's really that bad folks..........
Print Story
Send to a Friend
