We asked our writers if they wanted to contribute to our ongoing 13 Days of Friday the 13th, which leads up to the release of New Line Cinema's reboot this coming Friday. Ryan Daley reported back with one of the most unique and bizarre looks back at the franchise yet. Beyond the break enjoy Camp Whisker Lake: Facial Hair and the Friday the 13th Franchise!
Camp Whisker Lake: Facial Hair and the Friday the 13th Franchise
The vast majority of the Horror Movie Book of Law was written by the FRIDAY THE 13th franchise.
Drink and get killed.
Do drugs and get killed.
Have sex and get killed.
Wander off alone for a 2am shower and get killed.
If you have a vagina you might not get killed, but anyone with a penis (who isn’t named Tommy) is gonna die.
These unspoken rules have dominated our postmodern perception of horror films since the slasher boom of the early 80s, and we have Jason’s modus operandi to thank for this easy-to-predict kill-order template. But I want to know where facial hair fit into the rulebook. That’s right, I said facial hair. Several characters throughout the FRIDAY franchise have sported a well-trimmed facial display of hirsute vigor. Does facial hair equal horror film survival? Can a character with a mustache last longer than a character with a goatee? Are bearded characters more apt to fight back against Jason’s decidedly pernicious brand of evil? Questions worth answering, I say. I compiled the necessary information over a grueling yet strangely pleasurable 6-day period for the benefit of my fellow FRIDAY lovers and the overall well-being of mankind. Split up into four separate categories (Beards, Mustaches, Goatees, and Miscellaneous) and graded using a complex formula incorporating factors such as longevity, facial hair style, Samson Factor (did their facial hair grant them uncommon strength?), and quality of death scene, here are the results:
BEARDS
Name/Occupation: Chuck, Hippie
Film: FRIDAY THE 13th PART 3 Beard style: The Clark Enters: 18:31 Exits: 1:08:18 From Debut to Death: 59 minutes, 13 seconds Cause of Death.: Pushed into a fuse box. Grade: D+
Name/Occupation: Martin, Rummy Gravedigger
Film: FRIDAY THE 13th PART 6: JASON LIVES! Beard style: Moonshiner Enters: 17:38 Exits: 27:15 From Debut to Death: 9 minutes, 23 seconds C.O.D.: Broken liquor bottle to the throat Grade: D
Name/Occupation: Creighton Duke, Bounty Hunter/Jason Historian
Film: JASON GOES TO HELL: THE FINAL FRIDAY Beard style:The Chester Enters: 7:23 Exits: 1:21:52 From Debut to Death: 1 hour, 14 minutes, 29 seconds C.O.D.: Crushed in a blood-gouting bear hug Samson Factor: Handcuffs himself to Jason in an awe-inspiring moment of self-sacrifice Grade: B
Name: Security Man
Film: JASON GOES TO HELL: THE FINAL FRIDAY Beard style: The Greg Evigan Comb-Through Enters: 8:12 Exits: 17:05 From Debut to Death: 8 minutes, 53 seconds C.O.D.: Unclear; looks bad though Grade: F
MUSTACHES
Name/Occupation: Steve, Camp Director
Film: FRIDAY THE 13th Mustache style: Gay Porn Fluffer Enters: 13:39 Exits: 1:03:50 From Debut to Death: 50 minutes, 11 seconds, although he spends most of the time cowering in a skeezy diner off-screen C.O.D.: Gets jacked in the stomach with an unseen weapon, probably Mrs. Vorhees’ hunting knife. Grade: C
Film: FRIDAY THE 13th, PART 2 Mustache style: Woodsy Constable Enters: 37:56 Exits: 42:49 From Debut to Death: 4 minutes, 54 seconds C.O.D.: Claw hammer to the back of the skull. Grade: D+
Film: FRIDAY THE 13th, PART 3 Mustache style: Baghdad Trim Enters: 8:17 Exits: 15:18 From Debut to Death: 7 minutes, 1 second C.O.D.: Cleaver to the chest. Grade: C+
Name/Occupation: Billy, Male Nurse
Film: FRIDAY THE 13th PART 5: A NEW BEGINNING Mustache style: A slightly modified Selleck Enters: 5:18 Exits: 37:19 From Debut to Death: 32 minutes, 1 second C.O.D.:Axe to the bald spot. Grade: B+
Name: Gramps
Film: FRIDAY THE 13th PART 5: A NEW BEGINNING Mustache style: Iron Eagle Enters: 14:50 Exits: 1:13:04 From Debut to Death: 59 minutes, 46 seconds C.O.D.: Unknown; his eyeless body comes flying through a plate glass window. Probably the hedge trimmers. Grade: C-
Name/Occupation: Mike Garris, Angry Sheriff
Film: FRIDAY THE 13th PART 6: JASON LIVES! Mustache style: Gopher Rape Enters: 10:16 Exits: 1:14:00 From Debut to Death: 1:03:44 C.O.D.: Jason folds him in half, backwards, until his spine snaps. Samson Factor: Stomps Jason in the back, kicks him in the ribs, smacks him across the face with a hunk of wood, and then beats him in the head with a rock before getting the fatal spine crease. Grade: A-
Name: Officer Pappes
Film: FRIDAY THE 13th PART 6: JASON LIVES! Mustache style: Standard Issue Enters: 50:34 Exits: 1:07:58 From Debut to Death: 17 minutes, 24 seconds C.O.D.: The ‘ol Jason head squeeze. Grade: C
Name: Officer Josh
Film: JASON GOES TO HELL: THE FINAL FRIDAY Mustache style: Greensleeves Enters: 22:53 Exits: 1:00:18 From Debut to Death: 38 minutes, 35 seconds C.O.D.: Previously possessed, he melts after Jason leaves his body. Sidenote: Officer Josh is the only franchise character to have his mustache shaved off prior to his death, a decidedly weird development in his character arc. Grade B+
Name: Coroner
Film: JASON GOES TO HELL: THE FINAL FRIDAY Mustache style: Crackerjack Enters: 8:12 Exits: 37:51 From Debut to Death: 29 minutes, 39 seconds C.O.D.: Dies when Jason exits his body? Not quite sure. Grade: C-
Name/Occupation: Crutch, Engineer
Film: JASON X Mustache style: Nascar Gypsy Enters: 15:20 Exits: 1:03:43 Elapsed Time: 48 minutes, 23 seconds C.O.D.: Has his head mashed against a live electrical panel. Grade: B-
GOATEES
Name: Ali, Biker/Thug
Film: FRIDAY THE 13th PART 3 Goatee style: Plaxico Lite Enters: 31:25 Exits: 1:26:21 From Debut to Death: 55 minutes, 56 seconds C.O.D.: Numerous blows from a machete Samson Factor: Presumed dead at the 44 minute mark after getting repeatedly hacked with Jason’s machete, Ali bravely returns for 21 seconds at the end of the film, springing from a hidden room, grabbing Jason from behind, and immediately getting his hand chopped off. Grade: A-
[Photo: Part 3, Ali’s Death]
Name: Dallas
Film: JASON X Goatee style: Stone Cold Enters:14:52 Exits: 38:50 From Debut to Death: 23:02 C.O.D.: Has his head repeatedly slammed against the hull of the ship. Grade: C+
Name: Waylander
Film: JASON X Goatee style: Cuba Libre Enters: 17:58 Exits: 1:14:58 From Debut to Death: 1 hour, 3 minutes C.O.D.: Dies while setting off the explosive charges… Samson Factor… that momentarily blow up Jason and permanently separate the bridge from the rest of the ship. A badass move accomplished thanks in part to his rugged goatee. Grade: B+
Name: Asylum Guard
Film: FREDDY VS. JASON Goatee style: Tuff Turf Enters: 57:54 Exits: 58:54 From Debut to Death: 1 minute C.O.D.: Crushed by a steel security door as Jason cruises through it. Grade: D-
MISCELLANEOUS
Name: Deckhand
Film: FRIDAY THE 13th PART 8: JASON TAKES MANHATTAN Facial Hair Style: Dirty Sanchez Enters: 12:47 Exits: 59:58 From Debut to Death: 47:11 C.O.D.: Fire axe to the back. Grade: D+
Name/Occupation: Bill Freeburg, Stoner
Film: FREDDY VS. JASON Facial hair style: Soul Patch Enters: 26:59 Exits: 1:03:32 From Debut to Death: 36 minutes, 27 seconds C.O.D.: Sliced in half with a machete. Grade: B
Before compiling the above information I had assumed that the majority of characters with mustaches were law enforcement. I was dead wrong. Law enforcement officials comprise a mere 40% of FRIDAY victims rocking a ‘stache. Now go ahead and try to wrap your brain around that one.
Interesting thesis, but incomplete. Crazy Raplh had stubble, and Abel was rockin' a serious beard and 'stache. Their omission is unforgivable. Also, clarification on the grading scale/criteria would help.
The oddest thing about this whole list is there was no one from part 7. i never noticed before that there was no facial hair to be seen in that entire film.
i'm fucked. i always thought for some reason my beard would save my life, not bring it to a bloody, machete filled end... still, i have no intent of shaving.
I thought that was a machete for sure. Thanks, HMH.
Comments Page 1 of 2 | Next -> | Last ->> You have to be logged in to comment! If you don't have an account register now for free! Your account allows you to post comments and reviews, upload videos and images, access or our forums, write personal blogs, and maintain your profile.
Print Story
Send to a Friend
