While there are some classic arriving in stores this week (CHILD'S PLAY and PUMPKINHEAD), the spotlight of the week's Horror In Your House is Uwe Boll. Not only will his unnecessarily ultra-violent SEED arrive on DVD, but so does the "funny version" of his first (Non) Masterpiece, HOUSE OF THE DEAD, which is guaranteed to be worth a look (if just to "literally" laugh at). Read on to see what else arrives in stores.
Horror in Your House
September 9, 2008
By: Tex Massacre
AM I EVIL: Dark Vision Films
Andrew Lakewood seems to be a normal average guy. He was raised by a loving family and has a close relationship with his brother. His girlfriend adores him and his best friend could only think he knew everything about him. But, deep inside of Andrew is a darkside that has been masked over the years. Until one day, his thoughts and fantasies become real.
AWAKENING: Laguna
They are all that is left of humanity… nothing remains, yet the horror that emerges when the light has faded is not all they have to fear. Nothing could have prepared civilization for the horror. It began with a mosquito bite. The virus, starting in warm rainforests and breeding in the humidity, spreads like wildfire with a one hundred percent mortality rate. When the dead begin to rise with nothing but hunger in what remains of their minds, the mosquitoes are forgotten. For human race, time is running out.
CHILD'S PLAY – 20th Birthday Edition: MGM/Fox
After 6-year-old Andy Barclay's babysitter is violently pushed out of a window to her death, nobody believes him when he says that "Chucky," his new birthday doll, did it! When an ensuing rampage of gruesome murders lead a detective back to the same toy, he discovers that the real terror has just begun. The deranged doll has plans to transfer his evil spirit into a living human being—young Andy!
TEX SAYS: With Don Mancini prepping a reboot on Child’s Play don’t you think it’s time to wish the little fucker a happy birthday/deathday and check out the original again?
FOX HORROR CLASSICS VOLUME 2 (CHANDU THE MAGICIAN, DR. RENAULT'S SECRET, DRAGONWYCK; 3-disc set): Fox
CHANDU THE MAGICIAN—Megalomaniac and would-be world dominator Roxor has kidnapped Robert Regent, along with his death ray invention, in hopes of using it to degenerate humanity into mindless brutes, leaving himself as Earth’s supreme intelligence. Faced with revealing the machine’s secrets or allowing his family to die a horrible death at the hands of Roxor, Regent’s only hope lies with the intervention of his brother-in-law, the be-turbaned yogi and magician Chandu, who has the power to make men see what is not there.
DR. RENAULT’S SECRET—A young man visits his fiancée in a remote French villa where her scientist father (George Zucco) resides. There he meets Noel (J. Carrol Naish), Dr. Renault’s mysterious assistant, who has a strange attraction to Renault’s daughter. Soon he learns Noel’s true identity: he is an ape that was turned into a man by Renault’s bizarre experiments!
DRAGONWYCK—When Miranda Wells was invited to live with her dark and charming distant cousin Nicholas Van Ryan in order to school his daughter at Dragonwyck manor she was a naive farm girl. As she watches the dark secrets of the house unfold, she becomes more aware of selfishness, desire, and insanity while becoming more involved with Nicholas. The closer Miranda grows to the community and the Van Ryan’s, the more she wishes she had never come to Dragonwyck.
A HAUNTING: Seasons 1-4 (9-disc set): Timeless
Timeless Media Group, in cooperation with New Dominion Pictures, is proud to present this 9 DVD set of the first four seasons of A Haunting, 39 episodes in all. As seen on the Discovery Channel, each of these one-hour episodes explore the most mysterious and baffling true cases of hauntings, visitations and ghostly, ghastly doings ever assembled. These stories of demon possession, the unquiet ghosts of the dead, and many more tales of the supernatural will take you to the edge of reason and beyond. Each episode is complete with interviews of the victims of these eerie and unexplainable paranormal events. Teams of parapsychologists try to discover the roots of these strange happenings and to put the demons to rest, with exorcisms, cleansing rites and strange incantations, sometimes having unexpected results! As you explore the darker regions of the unseen and unsettling world of spirits, poltergeists and phantoms, you may find yourself becoming convinced that things are not what they seem, and indeed, are much more sinister and scary than you ever thought possible.
HOUSE OF THE DEAD: Funny Version: Lionsgate (TEX’S PICK OF THE WEEK)
Infamous director Uwe Boll turns horror into humor with this comedic rendition of his Zombie cult classic. It’s spring break and these typical college kids just want to have fun – killing zombies! This “side splitting” director’s cut of House of the Dead features new dialogue, alternative takes, pop up commentary and animation from the original video game. Original cast includes Jurgen Prochnow and Clint Howard with a special appearance by famed breast augmentation specialist Siegfried Wienermeister. Even the most hardcore fans of the original cult classic will never discover that human flesh tastes like chicken until they watch this hysterically tasteless funny version!
TEX SAYS: Don’t laugh…or rather…do! My only defense for choosing this as the pick of the week is that I saw it! And if you watch it too, I think you’ll agree it’s the must see movie of the week.
NYMPHA: MTI
NYMPHA is the story of Sarah, an American who goes to Italy to take vows needed to become a cloister nun of the "New Order" Convent. The rules of the convent are very strict - so strict that they are often considered a form of torture. Sarah's path is divided into four steps, "hear" the Lord, "see" the Lord, "touch" the Lord and "talk" with the Lord. Each step will be painful for Sarah's physical and mental self. During Sarah's journey, she has visions of the Convents past - visions of a young woman whose life was ruined by the religious fanaticism of her violent grandfather. Her grandfather believed he could talk directly with God, but in reality, he was utterly mad. This madness is now present today - within the walls of the convent where Sarah lives.
PUMPKINHEAD: MGM/Fox
When a group of rambunctious teenagers inadvertently kill his only son, Ed Harley seeks the magic of a backwoods witch to bring the child back. But when she tells him the child's death is irrevocable, his grief develops into an all-consuming desire... for revenge! Defying superstition, he and the witch invoke the pumpkinhead a monstrously clawed and fanged demon which, once reborn, answers only to Ed's bloodlust. But as the invincible creature wreaks its slow, unspeakable tortures on the teens, Ed confronts a horrifying secret about his connection to the beast and realizes that he must find a way to stop its deadly mission before he becomes one with it forever!
TEX SAYS: The late Stan Winston’s directorial effort gets the special edition treatment. Augment your old MGM release with this new spiffier version.
SARAH LANDON AND THE PARANORMAL HOUR: Sony Pictures
Far away from home, in the small town of Pine Valley, Sarah Landon finds herself all alone, staying in the guesthouse of her late friend’s grandmother. When she promised to visit, she didn’t realize she wouldn’t be staying in the main house, and she didn’t realize that the guesthouse was haunted. Or at least it seems that way with all the strange things that are going on in there. But that soon becomes the least of the 17-year-old’s worries. When she learns of the town’s dark secret, she finds herself in the middle of a haunting mystery that involves two brothers, the local psychic, and an evil spirit. The big question soon becomes, what will happen between midnight and 1 A.M.?
SEED: Vivendi Visual
Seed recounts the supernatural story of a ruthless serial killer who survives electrocution on death row. Prison guards fail to exorcise the evil in a murderer and inadvertently unleash a malevolent monster. The resulting reign of violence, with its extreme gore and torture, set a new standard for the horror genre.
TEX SAYS: More Boll on DVD this week, as always this one comes with the video game, but more importantly includes the wickedly nasty little short film CRITIZED. The short is way better than the movie, but of course the short isn’t directed by Boll! Still, I’m not gonna be too negative here since the subject of the short film is a very precarious one for my profession!
SOMETHING BENEATH: Genius
When a conference center is developed despite warnings that the grounds are toxic, guests start complaining that strange events are taking place. Conference coordinator Khali is accosted by a rogue German Shepherd the very same one that attacked her when she was just a child. How can this be? As slime amasses on the lake front and seeps into rooms, priest Douglas Middleton discovers that the slime is actually a massive cellular organism living in the sewer system highly intelligent, and capable of inducing fearful hallucinations in its victims. Panic spreads and so does the slime pulsating, dripping, and moving rapidly.
TEX SAYS: Kevin Sorbo steps into X-files “black oil” territory with this Sci-Fi Channel flick.
SON OF SAM: Lionsgate
A fictionalized account of the chilling tale of the “Son of Sam,” a vicious serial killer who terrorized the streets of New York in the late ‘70s. Upon his arrest, the “Son of Sam” told police he was influenced by a satanic cult. The city of New York would never be the same.
TEX SAYS: The German invasion continues with Ulli Lommel’s latest serial killer film that probably doesn’t have much plot or acting or point. So much for not bashing filmmakers.
ZOMBIES ZOMBIES ZOMBIES: Passion River
When a drug experiment gone wrong produces a league of blood-thirsty, flesh eating zombies, it's up to a small band of exotic dancers to fight back. Trapped in the local strip club, they must rely on their wits and skills to survive the night. This tongue-in-cheek Horror/Comedy, in the vein of "Shaun of the Dead", chronicles the epic battle between good and evil through the most unlikely characters. Strippers, Pimps, and Hookers fight for their lives in this gore-filled new age zomedy.
TEX SAYS: Check out the other Strippers and Zombies film. This one actually pre-dates ZOMBIE STRIPPERS by a few months but got much less publicity. Lots of goodtime gore and a few bare bosoms on display, plus a cameo by Tiffany Shepis and a bonus scene in 3-D. So, save the few bucks that you’d normally tip the waitress on the two drink minimum and use that cash to pick this little flick up.
HEY TEX were you on drugs at the time of writing your review for house of the dead... CULT CLASSIC.... dude its far from a cult flick. Alone in the dark made me laugh though I will rent HOTD on my netflix.
Dude...I don't write that synopsis. That's a press release. I write the "TEX SAYS" part. I couldn't even think up half the repetitive marketing junk that PR agents scribble down for most of these films. As of HoTD...I will say this much. 20 years from now, don't be surprised to find out Uwe Boll has a rabid cult following. This HoTD Funny Version is still pretty freaking funny but I picked it cause, love the guy or hate the guy it took a good sense of humor and a decent pair of balls to release this flick again.
I always Say "I rather see a bad new movie or sequel, instead of another remake" but this Boll guy.... Geeez, seriously, I almost changed my motto because of this guy, Although I agree with thedescent08 about reading your review of the Funny Version Of HoTD...
pumpkinhead 20th anniversary and house of the dead funny version dvds were hard to find no stores carried em
i lucked out and got em at a local dvd/music store
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Andrew Lakewood seems to be a normal average guy. He was raised by a loving family and has a close relationship with his brother. His girlfriend adores him and his best friend could only think he knew everything about him. But, deep inside of Andrew is a darkside that has been masked over the years. Until one day, his thoughts and fantasies become real.
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