Now here's an April Fool's Day joke that isn't meant to be funny - it's this week's Horror In Your House. Arriving at retailers today is crap, crap, more crap and maybe a little something to chew on? Read on to see what you can check out at your local vide store, we recommend Anchor Bay's The Cook. Until next week...
Horror in your House
April Fools Day, 2008
By: Tex Massacre
It s a long holiday weekend at the Lambda Epsilon Zeta sorority house, and a handful of girls stay behind to indulge in three days of partying, sex games and strangely delicious meals prepared by the weird new chef. But as the sisters begin to disappear one-by-one, the remaining coeds The Slut, The Stoner, The Bible Beater, The Dumb Hot Blonde, The Predatory Lesbian, The Tease, The Dominatrix and The Good Girl will find themselves trapped in a nightmare of graphic slaughter, involuntary cannibalism and heaping helpings of gourmet nudity.
TEX SAYS: The sluts and bolts of this cannibal orgy is that it’s really NOT very good. The girls are hot, but the fillet-o-flesh reminds me the autopsy footage Ulli Lommel always shoves in his films—and we all know what a HUGE fan of Lommel’s I am. This is horror comedy minus the comedy.
THE CURSE OF KING TUT'S TOMB: Echo Bridge
Thousands of years ago, the great Child King Tutankhamen ruled. Few know the details of his life--no one knows the secrets of his death. All that is about to change. Free-spirited archaeologist Danny Fremont is certain that if found, King Tut's Emerald Tablet would hold the power to control the world. Unfortunately, the only one who believes Fremont is his nemesis archaeologist Morgan Sinclair a member of a secret society who wants the tablet to harness unspeakable evil on the world and will stop at nothing to get it. With the help of a crackerjack team that includes the doubting Egyptologist Dr. Barakat, Fremont ventures into the Valley of the Kings, toward Tut's tomb, nearer the portal to another world, and closer to the truth behind a mystery that will change the world forever—or end it.
DAS KOMABRUTALE DUELL: Unearthed
The members of the brutal Eightlets Mafia have it out for the criminal Bandera family and will stop at nothing to dispose of the enemy, who has a big edge: They're immortal. As the two clans engage in an epic battle, the invincible Banderas survive all manner of mutilation and dismemberment.
DIVINE INTERVENTION: Brain Damage
Steve Reynolds, strung out on drugs, gets a divine vision and is inspired to embark on a ruthless quest of recruiting people into the Lord s Army. A sinner in his midst gets two options prayer or the crossbow. Battling his own compulsive demons as well as a checkered past, Steve brings the word of the Lord down on the sinners of Ware, MA one arrow at a time. Will Steve save any souls with his own brand of vigilante divinity? Only God knows.
EYE OF THE BEAST: Genius
James Van Der Beek stars as government scientist Dan Leland, who's sent to investigate reported sightings of a giant squid-like beast that's put the entire population of a fishing village on edge. Though Leland starts his journey confident that this sea creature with an insatiable appetite is the stuff of old legends, a string of horrific occurrences soon begins to change his mind.
TEX’S SAYS: What’s up with Dawson and the Horror films. Now with SHUTTER in theaters even Pacey is getting back in on the action (remember Joshua Jackson already did URBAN LEGEND). I’m waiting for Joey to dump Tom Cruise and give me a follow-up to DISTURBING BEHAVIOR! Haven’t these kids grown up yet?
FEAR HOUSE: Lifesize
Relatives and colleagues of reclusive writer Samantha Ballard track her to an isolated house in the California desert where they discover a traumatized Samantha. She greets them with the grim announcement that they will die if they attempt to leave the house. After Samantha’s ex-husband and his girlfriend suffer horrible deaths while trying to escape, the others realize that she was serious.
HELLO MARY LOU: PROM NIGHT II: MGM/Fox (TEX’S PICK OF THE WEEK)
When Hamilton High's Prom Queen of 1957, Mary Lou Maloney is killed by her jilted boyfriend, she comes back for revenge 30 years later. Bill Nordham is now the principle of Hamilton High and his son is about to attend the prom with Vicki Carpenter. However, she is possessed by Mary Lou Maloney after opening a trunk in the school's basement. Now Bill must face the horror he left behind in 1957.
TEX SAYS: Look, I love this film and I’m already buying SWEENEY TODD—so, this week my PICK OF THE WEEK goes to a film that I’ve owned on VHS since about 1989. It’s time to retire that bad boy!
HELL'S THRESHOLD: Brain Damage
Journalist Sam Bishop is on a mission. He tirelessly guards the unsuspecting world from the centuries old demon, Apostolos. When the planets align, a threshold to another dimension is created and the monster emerges...to KILL. Tonight, the planets have aligned, and Apostolos and his thirst for BLOOD are unleashed. NOW, Sam is in a race against time to protect mankind and avenge the death of his wife, at the hands of this ruthless killer.
HORROR ROCK: SRS Cinema
"Horror Rock" combines terrifying, heart stopping scenes from the most spine-tingling horror films ever made with some of the hottest classic indie rock music performed by the absolutely wickedest bands! This sizzling collection explodes with searing renditions from such cult classic bands like Del-Lords, Judas Kiss, Hurricane, Over the Edge, Wrath, Children of the Wicked, Pandoras, Run Down Love Battery, Dickies, Booby Trap, Elvis Hitler and Hot Rod to Hell.
MAYHEM MOTEL: Brain Damage
What can happen in the course of one night in an average motel? TOO MUCH! Vomiting, spanking, shooting, stabbing and smothering—anything and everything goes at MAYHEM MOTEL as strangest cast of characters ever assembled get together for a night you will not soon forget.
PURVOS: Brain Damage
A researcher investigating the tormented dreams of insomnia patients discovers a terrifying connection with all of her subjects. They all dream of a murderous clown called Purvos. Further research leads her to the horrifying discovery that this killer is very real and closer to her than she ever would have imagined. Can she solve the puzzle and stop the killings or will Purvos continue his murderous rampage dictated by the specters of his tormented childhood?
THE RETURN OF SWAMP THING: Warner
The monster at the bottom of the mucky waters is back in this sequel to the campy horror classic. This time, the Swamp Thing is a hero of sorts, rescuing an attractive horticulturist from her dastardly stepfather, whom she suspects is behind her mother's early and mysterious death.
TEX SAYS: Ahhh Heather Locklear—you were such my 1980’s true love…well…you and Phoebe Cates, Candice Cameron, Alyssa Milano, Debbie Gibson, Elizabeth Shue, Robin Livley, Molly Ringwald, Judi Bowker and Jill Whitlow. Hey extra points to you for knowing who Jill Whitlow was right off the bat!
SOLE SURVIVOR: Code Red/BCI
Before FINAL DESTINATION, there was SOLE SURVIVOR. Directed by Thom Eberhardt, This chilling 1982 film tells of a young women who is the sole survivor of an airplane crash. Disregarding the warnings from a psychic actress friend, Denise tries to get on with her life, but she has somehow cheated death, and the Grim Reaper sends his minions to bring her to him.
TEX SAYS: I’ve never even heard of this flick! Wow…that’s rare. Might be worth seeing—but, probably not.
Johnny Depp re-teams with director Tim Burton for this adaptation of the hit Broadway musical about the Demon Barber of Fleet Street. Depp plays Sweeney Todd, a man who becomes a deranged murderer seeking revenge after being falsely imprisoned. To add to the macabre nature of his crimes, he enlists the help of his lover, Mrs. Lovett, who disposes of the victims by baking them into meat pies—sought after by all of London.
TEX SAYS: No bandwagon to jump on or off of here. You either loved this or hated it. I loved it—and I hate musicals. I guess I need more musicals where they use like 100 gallons of prop blood. Now I know what DREAMGIRLS was missing! Meat Pies!
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It s a long holiday weekend at the Lambda Epsilon Zeta sorority house, and a handful of girls stay behind to indulge in three days of partying, sex games and strangely delicious meals prepared by the weird new chef. But as the sisters begin to disappear one-by-one, the remaining coeds The Slut, The Stoner, The Bible Beater, The Dumb Hot Blonde, The Predatory Lesbian, The Tease, The Dominatrix and The Good Girl will find themselves trapped in a nightmare of graphic slaughter, involuntary cannibalism and heaping helpings of gourmet nudity.
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