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Best & Worst of 2009: The Year’s Worst One Sheets

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Before any footage from a film is seen, typically a teaser or full one sheet is released by a studio. This is an incredibly important, even detrimental process as it is the first thing the consumers will see and identify with a movie. If the poster stinks, the consumer might write it off all together, while a good poster could lead to them checking out the official website, trailer and best case scenario, hanging it from their wall (the most personal relationship any of us have with a movie). To say the least, posters are damn important. As part of our year end coverage, we present to you the year’s worst theatrical posters.

WORST ONE SHEETS OF 2009

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Posters listed in no particular order

The Final Destination (Warner Bros. Pictyres)


In THE FINAL DESTINATION glass breaks and there’s a skeleton? The poster says absolutely nothing about the film to those who have never heard of the FINAL DESTINATION franchise. The worst part? It doesn’t even say it’s in 3-D!

The Uninvited (Paramount Pictures)


A ridiculous knock-off of THE RING posters from earlier this decade that says nothing about the film. In fact, it’s incredibly misleading. Apparently there’s a malevolent spirit ready to invade? Nope.

The Wolfman (Universal Pictures)


While one of Universal’s one sheets for THE WOLFMAN featured the beast in a remarkable way, the other is quite unflattering. What you’ll see is a shoddy FX shot that features The Wolfman? Not sure WHAT that is, but he’s ugly.

The Last House on Left (Universal Pictures)


Hi, I’m a house. Bad stuff happens here. Doesn’t this excite you?

Saw VI (Lionsgate)


While the other SAW posters were brilliant, I am still confounded by this one. Fist gloves that are transparent somehow tease the brilliance of Jigsaw? I still don’t get it.

A Perfect Getaway (Rogue/Universal)


Floating heads went out in the 90’s, unless of course you’re a superstar. Steve Zahn is not. Milla Jovovich is not. Timothy Olyphant is not. Kiele Sanchez is not. Don’t get me wrong, I love all four, but none of them are star power.

Whiteout (Warner Bros. Pictures)


Again, star power, no one knows who the f*ck Kate Beckinsale is, nor do they give a sh*t. So how is having a poster with her giant mug rendered to not even look like her going to fill seats in a theater. I hate this poster and want to punch it straight in the kisser.

Sorority Row (Summit Entertainment


Summit Entertainment’s SORORITY ROW campaign was weak sauce, straight down to every single poster released. If people want to be sold SCREAM, they’d go rent it on DVD. And what the heck was going on with that Theta Pi Must Die teaser? Not a single person walking down a theater lobby would know what the heck that was, or care.

Paranormal Activity (Paramount Pictures)


Sure, our name is plastered all over this sucker, but I still think it’s an ugly poster. The wording is actually pretty effective (Don’t See It Alone), but nonetheless it hurts my eyes starring at it, especially the “Demand It” button (it’s like real-life internet!).

The Box (Warner Bros. Pictures)


What a lazy, lazy poster that assumes people will go to a theater to see James Marsden, Frank Langella and Cameron Diaz. I’m sorry but Diaz is finished. I don’t really understand why Warner Bros. didn’t release a one sheet featuring a big old box and a stack of money? Isn’t that what we’re going to go see? Ugh.

Transylmania (Freestyle Releasing)


Come on guys, I know you want to see a movie with the tagline “College kids, the other white meat,” especially when it stars rock hard abs. This one sheet screams comedy; he’s going to Romania to play basketball! Get it, Get it! HAHAHAHAH, wait, neither do I.

The Crazies (Overture)


Overture Films’ teaser poster for THE CRAZIES was pretty solid as the striking image was an attention grabber, especially to Romero fans, but this little fella is just plain painful. When I was in Chicago my dad walked by the poster in a theater and said to me, “What’s HELP US about?” No joke.

CHECK OUT THE BEST ONE SHEETS OF 2009

Horror movie fanatic who co-founded Bloody Disgusting in 2001. Producer on Southbound, V/H/S/2/3/94, SiREN, Under the Bed, and A Horrible Way to Die. Chicago-based. Horror, pizza and basketball connoisseur. Taco Bell daily. Franchise favs: Hellraiser, Child's Play, A Nightmare on Elm Street, Halloween, Scream and Friday the 13th. Horror 365 days a year.

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Editorials

“Godzilla: The Series” Remains the Best Thing to Come Out of the 1998 Remake

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godzilla the series

While plans to further TriStar’s Godzilla franchise on the big screen fell through, the animated sequel turned out to be a great alternative. Godzilla: The Series debuted mere months after the 1998 film was released, and it went on to become a popular part of Fox Kids’ Saturday morning programming. And although this continuation had a limited lifespan of just two seasons, it still managed to do the impossible and redeem Roland Emmerich’s widely disliked adaptation.

Similar to Ultra Q, Godzilla: The Series saw Dr. Niko “Nick” Tatopoulos (out with Matthew Broderick, in with Ian Ziering) leading a specialized team — Humanitarian Environmental Analysis Team, or H.E.A.T. for short — in the struggle against the giant and disruptive creatures (often referred to as “mutants”) who have begun to appear all across the globe. Aiding them was the lone, surviving offspring of Godzilla teased at the end of the film. And to ensure the juvenile Godzilla stood with humanity rather than against it, the spawn imprinted on Nick and saw him as his parent.

Along with “worm guy” Tatopoulos, the animated Godzilla: The Series brought back supporting characters from the film and gave them lead parts. Namely H.E.A.T. members Dr. Elsie Chapman and Dr. Mendel Craven. Charity James filled in for Vicki Lewis while Malcolm Danare was one of several actors from the film to reprise their roles in the cartoon. Paleobiologist Chapman was the snarky animal-behavior expert, and engineer Craven served as the show’s comic relief (which was always done at his own expense). On top of Craven’s many ridiculous allergies and other vulnerable quirks, his talking robot-buddy N.I.G.E.L. (short for Next Millennium Intelligence Gathering Electronic Liaison) drew cheap laughs; the machine routinely met a fate in the vein of South Park’s “oh my god, they killed Kenny” running gag.

godzilla the series 90s

Pictured: Godzilla defeats the Shrewster in “The Twister.”

Rounding out H.E.A.T. were two new characters: DGSE secret agent Monique Dupré (Brigitte Bako) and young computer whiz Randy Hernandez (Rino Romano). The former started out like Jean Reno’s character from the film; Dupré was sent by the French government to “clean up” its mess after incidentally creating the Godzilla species, and after Philippe Roaché’s failure to eliminate all of the hatchlings. The steely servicewoman gradually warmed up as she became more involved in H.E.A.T. and realized this new Godzilla was vastly different from his father. As for Randy, he is the team’s genius slacker-hacker who still has a lot to learn from his older colleagues.

The previously mentioned Agent Roaché popped up in the cartoon, although now he was voiced by Keith Szarabajka. Reporter Audrey Timmonds (Paget Brewster) continued to be overly ambitious, much to the detriment of her already strained relationship with Nick, and her cameraman, Victor “Animal” Palotti, was downright testy now that Joe Pantoliano took over for Hank Azaria. On top of Malcolm Danare, other returning actors included Kevin Dunn as H.E.A.T.’s military associate and one of Godzilla’s reluctant supporters, Major Anthony Hicks, and Michael Lerner as Mayor Ebert. The latter character’s naming was, by the way, Emmerich’s petty response to critic Roger Ebert’s negative reviews of his previous films.

Missteps regarding the ‘98 film’s namesake were decisively corrected in the animated sequel. For starters, Godzilla’s trademark atomic fire breath was reintroduced without questioning; the progeny now emitted a green flame, whereas later on in the story, its revived father suddenly possessed the traditional blue variant. Moreover, Godzilla Junior was not only bigger and stronger than his parent, he was far more resilient to military attacks and whatnot. The power upgrade was necessary if the new Big G was tangling with other colossal critters. Most importantly, though, was the addition of a personality. The film treated its enormous star as nothing more than a wrecking ball with legs and claws. Any attempt at creating character was saved for the human cast, however dull they turned out. Meanwhile, the series managed to imbue the King of Monsters with a sense of individuality without also veering into anthropomorphism. The prolific Frank Welker, who provided various creature sounds both here and in the ’98 film, helped vocalize Godzilla’s subtle but growing selfhood.

Pictured: Nick, Elsie and Monique look on as Cyber-Godzilla and two extraterrestrial spaceships appear in “Monster Wars.”

As beloved as Godzilla is, it failed to bring back any other Toho creations. Big hitters like Ghidorah and Mothra are nowhere to be found in the cartoon on account of the fact that licensing them would have been too pricey. To get around this obstacle, though, the staff periodically conceived parallels to Toho’s classic kaijū. There are those monsters whose references are subtle or obscure — Megapede, a prodigious breed of spider and a gigantic turtle respectively bear physical traits of Battra, Kumonga and Kamoebas — while others, such as Quetzalcoatl (Rodan), Robo-Yeti (Mechani-Kong) and Cyber-Godzilla (Mechagodzilla and Mecha-King Ghidorah), were blatant analogs. The remainder of the monster gallery had a tendency to be oversized, run-of-the-mill fauna brought on by chemical pollution, climate change and ecocide. Jumbo bugs were especially overused in the show. Nevertheless, Fil Barlow’s superb creature designs compensated for the more generic adversaries.

Godzilla: The Series was, of course, not the first animated adaptation; Hanna-Barbera’s Godzilla aired between 1978 and ‘79. In several ways, the newer cartoon is an update of the aforesaid series. Both casts traveled by boat to foreign locales and tangled with regional monstrosities, and each show had specific technology that could summon Godzilla to their rescue at a moment’s notice. The ‘70s version had a fair share of outlandish stories, yet nothing quite compared to the far-out plots of its successor. On occasion, H.E.A.T. battled aliens (in a saga akin to Destroy All Monsters) and tackled time-travel (à la Marvel’s Days of Future Past). The cartoon route made all of these more fantastical adventures easier to swallow, not to mention feasible.

Jeff Kline and Richard Raynis (Extreme Ghostbusters, Men in Black: The Series) faced an uphill battle when they developed this series. And despite the cartoon raking in consistently good ratings and positive reviews, it still had no chance of surviving without tie-in toys to turn a profit. The staggering amount of unsold film merchandise led to retailers refusing to sell the toys for the TV show, thus leading to its cancellation. Even so, this small-screen sequel was captivating while it lasted. The characters were likable, the writing was punchy, the animation was solid, and the monster-on-monster action was plentiful and exciting. It was simply hard not to enjoy Godzilla: The Series. Even the film’s biggest detractors were — and still are — charmed by the overall quality of this animated follow-up.

godzilla the series animated

Pictured: Godzilla and H.E.A.T. celebrate the defeat of Quetzalcoatl in “Bird of Paradise.”

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