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Best & Worst of 2009: The Year’s Worst One Sheets

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Before any footage from a film is seen, typically a teaser or full one sheet is released by a studio. This is an incredibly important, even detrimental process as it is the first thing the consumers will see and identify with a movie. If the poster stinks, the consumer might write it off all together, while a good poster could lead to them checking out the official website, trailer and best case scenario, hanging it from their wall (the most personal relationship any of us have with a movie). To say the least, posters are damn important. As part of our year end coverage, we present to you the year’s worst theatrical posters.

WORST ONE SHEETS OF 2009

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Posters listed in no particular order

The Final Destination (Warner Bros. Pictyres)


In THE FINAL DESTINATION glass breaks and there’s a skeleton? The poster says absolutely nothing about the film to those who have never heard of the FINAL DESTINATION franchise. The worst part? It doesn’t even say it’s in 3-D!

The Uninvited (Paramount Pictures)


A ridiculous knock-off of THE RING posters from earlier this decade that says nothing about the film. In fact, it’s incredibly misleading. Apparently there’s a malevolent spirit ready to invade? Nope.

The Wolfman (Universal Pictures)


While one of Universal’s one sheets for THE WOLFMAN featured the beast in a remarkable way, the other is quite unflattering. What you’ll see is a shoddy FX shot that features The Wolfman? Not sure WHAT that is, but he’s ugly.

The Last House on Left (Universal Pictures)


Hi, I’m a house. Bad stuff happens here. Doesn’t this excite you?

Saw VI (Lionsgate)


While the other SAW posters were brilliant, I am still confounded by this one. Fist gloves that are transparent somehow tease the brilliance of Jigsaw? I still don’t get it.

A Perfect Getaway (Rogue/Universal)


Floating heads went out in the 90’s, unless of course you’re a superstar. Steve Zahn is not. Milla Jovovich is not. Timothy Olyphant is not. Kiele Sanchez is not. Don’t get me wrong, I love all four, but none of them are star power.

Whiteout (Warner Bros. Pictures)


Again, star power, no one knows who the f*ck Kate Beckinsale is, nor do they give a sh*t. So how is having a poster with her giant mug rendered to not even look like her going to fill seats in a theater. I hate this poster and want to punch it straight in the kisser.

Sorority Row (Summit Entertainment


Summit Entertainment’s SORORITY ROW campaign was weak sauce, straight down to every single poster released. If people want to be sold SCREAM, they’d go rent it on DVD. And what the heck was going on with that Theta Pi Must Die teaser? Not a single person walking down a theater lobby would know what the heck that was, or care.

Paranormal Activity (Paramount Pictures)


Sure, our name is plastered all over this sucker, but I still think it’s an ugly poster. The wording is actually pretty effective (Don’t See It Alone), but nonetheless it hurts my eyes starring at it, especially the “Demand It” button (it’s like real-life internet!).

The Box (Warner Bros. Pictures)


What a lazy, lazy poster that assumes people will go to a theater to see James Marsden, Frank Langella and Cameron Diaz. I’m sorry but Diaz is finished. I don’t really understand why Warner Bros. didn’t release a one sheet featuring a big old box and a stack of money? Isn’t that what we’re going to go see? Ugh.

Transylmania (Freestyle Releasing)


Come on guys, I know you want to see a movie with the tagline “College kids, the other white meat,” especially when it stars rock hard abs. This one sheet screams comedy; he’s going to Romania to play basketball! Get it, Get it! HAHAHAHAH, wait, neither do I.

The Crazies (Overture)


Overture Films’ teaser poster for THE CRAZIES was pretty solid as the striking image was an attention grabber, especially to Romero fans, but this little fella is just plain painful. When I was in Chicago my dad walked by the poster in a theater and said to me, “What’s HELP US about?” No joke.

CHECK OUT THE BEST ONE SHEETS OF 2009

Horror movie fanatic who co-founded Bloody Disgusting in 2001. Producer on Southbound, V/H/S/2/3/94, SiREN, Under the Bed, and A Horrible Way to Die. Chicago-based. Horror, pizza and basketball connoisseur. Taco Bell daily. Franchise favs: Hellraiser, Child's Play, A Nightmare on Elm Street, Halloween, Scream and Friday the 13th. Horror 365 days a year.

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Editorials

‘Arachnid’ – Revisiting the 2001 Spider Horror Movie Featuring Massive Practical Effects

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arachnid

A new breed of creature-features was unleashed in the 1990s and continued well into the next decade. Shaking off the ecological messaging of the past, these monsters existed for the sake of pure mayhem. Just to name a few: Tremors, The Relic, Anaconda, Godzilla, Deep Rising and Lake Placid all showcased this trend of irreverent creature chaos. Reptiles and other scaly beasts proved to be a popular source of inspiration for these films, but for that extra crawly experience, bugs were the best and quickest route. Spiders, in particular, led some of the worst infestations on screen in the early 2000s. And on the underbelly of this creeping new wave — specifically the direct-to-video sector — hangs an overlooked offering of spider horror: Arachnid.

In 2000, Brian Yuzna and Julio Fernández launched the Spanish production company Fantastic Factory. The Filmax banner’s objective was to create modestly budgeted genre films for international distribution. And while they achieved their goal — a total of nine English-language films were produced and shipped all across the globe — Fantastic Factory ultimately closed up shop after only five years. Arachnid, directed by Jack Sholder (Alone in the Dark, A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy’s Revenge, The Hidden) and based on a script by Mark Sevi, was the second project from the short-lived genre house. Yuzna was drawn to the concept largely because of its universal appeal; a monster was marketable in any region, regardless of cultural preferences or restrictions. There was also the fact that spiders give everyone a case of the heebie-jeebies.

By having extraterrestrial forces be the cause of the spiders’ mutism and immensity as well as other urgent problems within the story, Arachnid incidentally pays respect to Hollywood’s golden age of schlock filmmaking. The opening sequence indeed shows a stealth plane’s pilot (Jesús Cabrero) trailing a UFO and its translucent passenger to an island in the South Pacific, but the alien business is kept to a minimum going forward. There is no time to process this seismic revelation of life beyond Earth before moving on to the film’s central plot. 

arachnid

Pictured: Alex Reid, Chris Potter and Neus Asensi’s characters get trapped in the spider’s web in Arachnid.

Several months since the E.T. was last sighted — and after being snuffed out by one of its own accidental creations — a medical team from Guam heads to Celebes (better known as Sulawesi nowadays), in search of whatever is behind a new illness. The doctors (played by José Sancho and Neus Asensi) already suspected a spider bite, although they failed to consider the biter could be the size of a tank. With The Descent’s Alex Reid as the snarky pilot of this doomed expedition, one who has ulterior motives for accepting the job, the film’s core characters go off in search of a spider and, hopefully, a cure.

The title makes it seem as if there is only the one arachnid in the story, but once Chris Potter and Reid’s characters plus their team step foot on the island, they encounter other altered arthropods. Yuzna felt Sevi’s script needed more creatures along the way, especially before the spider showed up in full view. The bug horror commences as one gunsman succumbs to a burrowing breed of crab-sized ticks, and random characters fend off a horrific centipede with reptilian qualities. These are just the appetizers before the greatest arachnid of them all arrives. The late Ravil Isyanov, here playing a zealous but sympathetic arachnologist, becomes a human Lunchable for the spider’s eggs. And one of the doctors gets a face full of corrosive spider spew. So, there is no shortage of grisly predation in the film, with a few bits of the monsters’ handiwork possessing a haunting quality to them.

Shot quickly and cheaply, Arachnid is fast-food horror. It’s convenient and designed for immediate consumption, and will likely not linger on the palate. Usually there is not a lot worth remembering with these slapdash genre productions, however, this is one case of spider horror where the extra effort made a difference. Apart from the egregious use of digital imagery in the outset, Jack Sholder’s film primarily employs practical effects. And these are not rubber spiders dangling from strings or being flung at the actors, either. Fantastic Factory aimed much higher by securing DDTSFX (Pan’s Labyrinth, Hellboy II: The Golden Army) and creature designer and makeup artist Steve Johnson (Species, Blade II).

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Pictured: One of the spider’s web-covered victims in Arachnid.

Arachnid, while far from flawless, somewhat redeems itself by having chosen practical effects and animatronics over CGI, which had become the new normal in these kinds of films. And this class of creature-feature was definitely not getting the sort of advanced VFX found in the likes of Eight Legged Freaks. Steve Johnson’s spider was not the easiest prop to work with, and it lacks the movement and versatility of a digital depiction. However, there is no beating that sense of weight and occupation of space that makes a tangible monster more intimidating. Viewers will have trouble recalling the human characters long after watching Arachnid, yet the humongous headliner remains the stuff of nightmares.

Over the years, the director has spoken critically of the film. He originally held off on agreeing to the offer to direct in hopes that another project, a Steven Seagal picture, would finally manifest. No such luck, and Sholder accepted Arachnid only on account of his needing the work. He said of the film: “I thought I could […] make it halfway decent, but I discovered there wasn’t a whole lot I could do.” Nevertheless, Sholder’s experience as a director of not exactly high-brow yet still rather entertaining horror is evident in what he has since called a “dud.” While there is no denying the reality and outcome of Arachnid, even the most mediocre films have their strokes of brilliance, small as they may be.

Arachnid

Pictured: The poster for Arachnid.

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