Movies
Just in Time for Christmas — 11 Killer Santa Movies!
I was a sensitive, sheltered eight year old kid, and my older brother (the sick bastard) had tricked me into watching that classic first-season episode of Tales From the Crypt with the killer Santa. At the end of it I remember screaming my fucking lungs out and desperately trying to exit the room, only to have him bar my escape (god, he was an asshole). I’ll admit it was pretty scarring to witness the source of all my childhood Christmas merriment standing at the bottom of a staircase – wielding an axe and sporting some seriously diseased gums no less – all ready to hack up Mommy. Of course, like other cornball horror sub-genres (i.e. killer doll movies), for anyone over the age of 12 these films will undoubtedly come off more amusing than truly scary. Regardless, now is the perfect time to revisit some of these “classics” (in chronological order) to counter all the feel-good yuletide fare you’ll undoubtedly be forced to take in with your family as the last few days of the year draw to a close.
In no particular order:
Joan Collins is perfectly cast as a husband-murdering gold digger being stalked by a killer Santa Claus on Christmas Eve in this chapter from the classic `70s anthology. While it’s not all that scary today, it stands as the first time the wholesome image of Santa Claus was shit upon to serve the twisted needs of the horror genre. The karmic retribution visited upon Collins’ character in the climactic scene is as delicious as a plate of warm holiday cookies.
This first slasher version of the killer Santa tale involves a group of nubile sorority girls being stalked and murdered by a man dressed in a Santa costume (could he be linked in some way to an initiation stunt gone wrong, perhaps?). The movie boasts some creative murders in the vein of Friday the 13th (complete with ample nudity), so it’s all pretty much par for the course. Interesting bit of trivia: director David Hess portrayed the sociopathic “Krug” in the original Last House on the Left. Let’s just say there’s a reason he never directed another film after this.
Although it was cheesily re-titled Christmas Evil upon its re-release in 1983, You Better Watch Out isn’t a slasher so much as the profile of a man slowly going insane (think One Hour Photo). Harry Stadling (Brandon Maggart) is a low-level executive at a toy company who was royally fucked up as a child when he witnessed his mother preparing to do the nasty with ol’ St. Nick (actually his father) underneath the Christmas tree. Shit, I guess Christmas meant a lot to him. Note: fans of John Waters may want to check this one out, as the famed director un-ironically called it the “greatest Christmas movie ever made” in his commentary track for the 2006 Synapse version of the DVD.
The most famous of all stand-alone killer Santa movies, this film stirred up a ton of controversy upon its release in November 1984, drawing ire from folks as diverse as Siskel & Ebert to the PTA. Angry “family-values” crowds formed at theaters across the country in protest, eventually forcing Tristar Pictures to pull the film (it was re-released by an independent distributor for a short time in 1986). Thankfully, all those Reagan-era nut jobs ended up bringing even more attention to the film than it probably would have had otherwise, and subsequently it’s become a cult classic. Oh, the plot? Tortured dude with a dark past dons a Santa suit and starts axing a bunch of folk. Need I say more?
Rather than following the mold of the previous entries and having Santa play the killer, this film makes Santa the victim. Or rather, many Santas. Set in London, the film focuses on the search for a deranged serial killer (is there any other kind?) who’s lately been bringing a large number of shopping mall Santas to a brutal end. The film is pretty gory, featuring an endless parade of Santas being stabbed, burned, and castrated by the Christmas-crazed lunatic. I’d say if the crass commercialism of the holiday is getting you down, seeing St. Nick getting his dick lobbed off is probably a good antidote.
This notorious sequel, which relies heavily on re-edited footage from the first movie, is quite possibly one of the worst films ever made. It’s also unintentionally hilarious, with star Eric Freeman (playing the brother of the killer Santa from the first movie) spouting the now famous line, “Garbage Day!” before shooting and killing one of his victims. The clip has had over one million hits on YouTube, and you can watch it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i7gIpuIVE3k.
My favorite killer Santa “film” of the bunch, this Robert Zemeckis-directed reimagining of the 1972 Joan Collins version is responsible for several fucked-up nightmares I suffered as a young child. It’s also quite a bit scarier than the Collins version, with Larry Drake (aka Dr. Giggles!) making a chilling appearance at the end of the episode as the murderous escaped mental patient dressed as dear Father Christmas. Love that final one-liner: “Naughty…or nice?” If I had it my way, this would replace It’s a Wonderful Life as required viewing every Christmas.
Horror vet Bill Moseley plays the Santa killer this time around. In this sequel, he’s been reanimated by a mad scientist and sent back out on a good ol’-fashioned murdering spree. The movie proceeds to follow in the mold of that time-honored classic Friday the 13th Part 7 in that it features a psychic teen (with a connection to the killer, no less!) being stalked by the psycho. At the very least this is a complete film – a feat the second installment can’t claim – but that’s about all that can be said for it considering what a piece of junk it is. But no matter; I can think of worse ways to pass the time following Christmas dinner. Just make sure you’ve added plenty of Bailey’s to your eggnog when you sit down to watch. Bonus: Mullholland Drive‘s Laura Elena Herring stars as one of the victims!
Mickey Rooney (I swear to God) stars as Joe Petto (hardy har), a sadistic toymaker that may not be all that he appears. The movie hews more closely to the “killer toy” sub-genre than anything, but Rooney actually does don a Santa outfit near the end, so this essentially qualifies. This entry is just as goofy as the rest of the series, and the plot twist at the end is insanely far-fetched, but whatever; its mindless good fun.
Night of the Living Dead screenwriter John Russo directed this film starring Troma pinup girl Debbie Rochon, who really stretches her acting muscles by portraying a B-movie scream queen being stalked by a garden-claw-wielding next-door neighbor wearing a Santa suit. The dude proceeds to plow through most of the cast and crew of her new film, but not before you get to see lots of T&A (which is really the only reason for the movie’s existence).
Santa is the son of the Devil in this comedic horror film, which is filmed sort of like one of those lame Friedberg/Seltzer spoof movies. The movie stars ex-WWE wrestling star Bill Goldberg as the killer Santa, who as a result of losing a bet with an angel 1,000 years ago was forced to become the jolly giver of gifts. As the film opens, the bet has just expired – and now he has his sights set on getting his jollies off in a decidedly less-healthy (for others) fashion. Pretty uninspired, but okay for a Christmas Eve diversion. Added bonus: Fran Drescher dies.
One of the all-time foundational fixtures in horror is the vampire. That means over a century’s worth of bloodsuckers in film, in various styles and mythology, from across the globe.
As prominent as this movie monster is, with dozens of adaptations of Bram Stoker’s Dracula alone, there’s an overwhelming selection of vampire fare that makes it easy for many worthwhile gems to fall through the cracks. This week’s streaming picks are dedicated to underseen vampire horror movies worth seeking out.
As always, here’s where you can stream them this week.
For more Stay Home, Watch Horror picks, click here.
Mr. Vampire – The Criterion Channel – Plex, the Roku Channel
This supernatural genre-bender from director Ricky Lau stands far apart from standard vampire fare thanks to its comedy, martial arts, and jiangshi. Taoist priest Master Kau (Lam Ching-ying) guards the realm of the living by maintaining control over the area’s hopping vampires, and other restless spirits. When Master Kau is hired to oversee the reburial of an affluent town elder, he and his two bumbling assistants find themselves in a supernatural battle to the death when the elder’s corpse resurrects as jiangshi. Produced by martial artist and Hong Kong cinema legend Sammo Hung, Mr. Vampire was a huge box office success in Hong Kong and launched a franchise. Still, it’s a charming, lively horror comedy that could use more love among contemporary audiences.
My Heart Can’t Beat Unless You Tell It To – Plex, Prime Video, SCREAMBOX
Writer/Director Jonathan Cuartas‘s feature debut feels like a spiritual sibling to We Are What We Are in many ways. Both offer meditative, brooding depictions of isolated families far removed from the rest of the world. Both families are willing to commit unspeakable acts on behalf of their loved ones. In this case, siblings Dwight (Patrick Fugit) and Jessie (Ingrid Sophie Schram) find themselves routinely tasked with murder so their sickly younger brother Thomas (Owen Campbell, Super Dark Times) can have the fresh blood to survive. In the vein of The Transfiguration or Martin, this brooding debut feature grounds its vampirism in reality and focuses on the constricting, devastating toll of familial obligation.
The Night of the Devils – Kanopy
A disturbed man, Nicola, recounts the story of getting stranded in the woods, only to find refuge in a charming family’s house. The longer he’s there, the more he uncovers something is deeply amiss. Witches, vampires, and sordid family secrets ensue. Like Mario Bava’s anthology segment “The Wurdulak” in Black Sabbath, The Night of the Devils is also based on The Family of the Vourdalak by Aleksey Konstantinovich Tolstoy. Director Giorgio Ferroni balances the gore and sleaze with haunting Gothic atmosphere and stunning cinematography. While it’s methodical in its buildup, the craftmanship and grim ending make this underseen Italian and Spanish co-production worth the watch.
Sundown: The Vampire in Retreat – Fandango at Home (formerly Vudu), Plex, the Roku Channel
Director Anthony Hickox (Waxwork, Hellraiser III) has a blast with his high concept horror comedy that sees vampires living in the reclusive desert town Purgatory. They seek a peaceful life, with the plan to get an artificial blood factory in operation. Everything goes off without a hitch until Van Helsing’s descendant, Robert Van Helsing (Bruce Campbell), arrives in town. It’s a vampire western horror comedy that lovingly pokes fun at vampire tropes. The simple setup becomes anything but thanks to town politics, new tourists, and Van Helsing’s irresistibility to a vampire (Deborah Foreman). David Carradine presides over the vampire hijinks as Count Jozek Mardulak. For those looking for something fun and lighthearted, this pick is your best bet.
Vamp – AMC+, Plex, the Roku Channel, Shudder, Tubi
This highly entertaining horror comedy features a vampire that doesn’t get nearly enough attention; Grace Jones exudes raw power as vamp Katrina. Robert Rusler and Chris Makepeace star as two fraternity pledges that venture into the city to hire a stripper, all to impress their frat brothers. They find themselves in a shady part of town, unaware that the dive bar they’ve entered is full of vampires. Naturally, they find themselves in an all-night battle for survival. The neon haze-soaked urban setting makes for a refreshing change of pace. The bromance between the leads is as sweet as it is funny. Most of all, though, watch for Grace Jones’ riveting performance.
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