Movies
Best & Worst of 2009: Ryan Daley Picks His Bottom 5!
As I’m primarily a DVD critic for Bloody-Disgusting, my year-end Top 10 list traditionally cites only DVD horror releases for a given year, which automatically excludes some of the movies I’ve seen at festivals or through pre-release screeners. Whereas I’m generally jealous of my fellow B-D critics for their all-encompassing year-end lists, I have to admit that 2009 was a fantastic year for horror DVDs, and this list was a pure pleasure to put together. Once again, just so I don’t catch any flak down in the comments, this is a list of the WORST HORROR DVDS OF 2009.
David Harley (Best/Worst) | Ryan Daley (Best/Worst)
RYAN DALEY’S BOTTOM 5 OF 2009
This is the first year I’ve had the same director appear on both my “best” and “worst” lists, but I guess there’s a first time for everything. I loved director Toby Wilkins’ Splinter as much as I hated The Grudge 3, a sequel that stomped the previously respectable franchise into the Japanese dirt. Sloppy and awkward, it’s a pasty-faced effort that should be forgotten as quickly as it was conceived.
Train tried its best to swing a big gory dick in the face of horror fans, but the flat characters couldn’t carry the show. Brutal and highly effective makeup effects can’t save a movie with a plot that’s this damn derivative. Hostel on a Train (as it’s been occasionally dubbed) is too kind. Retard Hostel on Car Number Six would be more accurate. Bad plotting, bad characters, bad movie.
Remember in The Fly, after Jeff Goldblum put that steak through his transport pods and then fried it up, how it didn’t quite taste right? If you put a quality torture-porn movie through Brundle’s pods, it would emerge tasting a lot like Gnaw.
Horror fans have been jizzing all over this movie since September, but here’s my take. Out of all of the people who wanted to see Paranormal Activity, I’d guess about 25% got a chance to catch it in a movie theater. The remaining 75% will have to wait for the DVD release. And I’m predicting the worst DVD backlash this side of The Blair Witch Project. Paranormal Activity has been insanely over-hyped, and soon everyone will see that there’s nothing behind the curtain but a little, musty old man. This movie has been loitering around the festival circuit for the past few years, and it suddenly finds success after Spielberg helps tack on a new ending? Whatever. After mentally preparing themselves for the most frightening movie of the past 10 years, DVD audiences will be faced with a poorly-acted, piece-of-shit home movie with exactly three scares. It’s not going to be pretty. Hope you saw it in the theater when you had the chance.
Survivalist drama disguised as suspense film, The Canyon is easily the worst film I’ve seen this year. With picturesque Grand Canyon cinematography and an interesting character performance by Will Patton, it’s a movie that starts with a fair amount of potential before regressing into a slow-witted impression of a Reader’s Digest reenactment. Avoid with extreme prejudice.
One of the all-time foundational fixtures in horror is the vampire. That means over a century’s worth of bloodsuckers in film, in various styles and mythology, from across the globe.
As prominent as this movie monster is, with dozens of adaptations of Bram Stoker’s Dracula alone, there’s an overwhelming selection of vampire fare that makes it easy for many worthwhile gems to fall through the cracks. This week’s streaming picks are dedicated to underseen vampire horror movies worth seeking out.
As always, here’s where you can stream them this week.
For more Stay Home, Watch Horror picks, click here.
Mr. Vampire – The Criterion Channel – Plex, the Roku Channel
This supernatural genre-bender from director Ricky Lau stands far apart from standard vampire fare thanks to its comedy, martial arts, and jiangshi. Taoist priest Master Kau (Lam Ching-ying) guards the realm of the living by maintaining control over the area’s hopping vampires, and other restless spirits. When Master Kau is hired to oversee the reburial of an affluent town elder, he and his two bumbling assistants find themselves in a supernatural battle to the death when the elder’s corpse resurrects as jiangshi. Produced by martial artist and Hong Kong cinema legend Sammo Hung, Mr. Vampire was a huge box office success in Hong Kong and launched a franchise. Still, it’s a charming, lively horror comedy that could use more love among contemporary audiences.
My Heart Can’t Beat Unless You Tell It To – Plex, Prime Video, SCREAMBOX
Writer/Director Jonathan Cuartas‘s feature debut feels like a spiritual sibling to We Are What We Are in many ways. Both offer meditative, brooding depictions of isolated families far removed from the rest of the world. Both families are willing to commit unspeakable acts on behalf of their loved ones. In this case, siblings Dwight (Patrick Fugit) and Jessie (Ingrid Sophie Schram) find themselves routinely tasked with murder so their sickly younger brother Thomas (Owen Campbell, Super Dark Times) can have the fresh blood to survive. In the vein of The Transfiguration or Martin, this brooding debut feature grounds its vampirism in reality and focuses on the constricting, devastating toll of familial obligation.
The Night of the Devils – Kanopy
A disturbed man, Nicola, recounts the story of getting stranded in the woods, only to find refuge in a charming family’s house. The longer he’s there, the more he uncovers something is deeply amiss. Witches, vampires, and sordid family secrets ensue. Like Mario Bava’s anthology segment “The Wurdulak” in Black Sabbath, The Night of the Devils is also based on The Family of the Vourdalak by Aleksey Konstantinovich Tolstoy. Director Giorgio Ferroni balances the gore and sleaze with haunting Gothic atmosphere and stunning cinematography. While it’s methodical in its buildup, the craftmanship and grim ending make this underseen Italian and Spanish co-production worth the watch.
Sundown: The Vampire in Retreat – Fandango at Home (formerly Vudu), Plex, the Roku Channel
Director Anthony Hickox (Waxwork, Hellraiser III) has a blast with his high concept horror comedy that sees vampires living in the reclusive desert town Purgatory. They seek a peaceful life, with the plan to get an artificial blood factory in operation. Everything goes off without a hitch until Van Helsing’s descendant, Robert Van Helsing (Bruce Campbell), arrives in town. It’s a vampire western horror comedy that lovingly pokes fun at vampire tropes. The simple setup becomes anything but thanks to town politics, new tourists, and Van Helsing’s irresistibility to a vampire (Deborah Foreman). David Carradine presides over the vampire hijinks as Count Jozek Mardulak. For those looking for something fun and lighthearted, this pick is your best bet.
Vamp – AMC+, Plex, the Roku Channel, Shudder, Tubi
This highly entertaining horror comedy features a vampire that doesn’t get nearly enough attention; Grace Jones exudes raw power as vamp Katrina. Robert Rusler and Chris Makepeace star as two fraternity pledges that venture into the city to hire a stripper, all to impress their frat brothers. They find themselves in a shady part of town, unaware that the dive bar they’ve entered is full of vampires. Naturally, they find themselves in an all-night battle for survival. The neon haze-soaked urban setting makes for a refreshing change of pace. The bromance between the leads is as sweet as it is funny. Most of all, though, watch for Grace Jones’ riveting performance.
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