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Top Ten Cheesiest Horror Movie One-Liners!

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Oh, America. We do love our one-liners, don’t we? From sea to shining sea, they’ve never really gone out of style (although some would argue they reached their pinnacle in the 1980s). When done right, they are truly a wondrous thing to behold (see: Billy Wilder). When done wrong, they’re capable of providing hours upon hours of unintentional laughter. Well, unintentional on the part of the filmmakers, anyway. Of course, the term “one-liner” often brings to mind comedies and action films, but what about horror? Our favorite genre has its fair share, believe me. And after hours and hours of extensive research, I’ve managed to compile a list of the ten best. You’re welcome.
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Top Ten Cheesiest Horror Movie One-Liners

10. The Movie: Doom (2005)


The Plot: Based on the best-selling video game, the story follows a group of Space Marines as they investigate strange events at a research facility on Mars and are besieged by hostile creatures.

The Context: Doctor Carmack (Robert Russell), the man responsible for the outbreak of genetically-altered mutants, transforms into an “imp“. Dr. Samantha Grimm (Rosamund Pike) says that his condition may be reversible. Sarge (Dwayne Johnson) begs to differ.

The Line:Doctor Carmack’s condition is irreversible…[shoots Dr. Carmack]…because Carmack’s condition is that he’s dead.

The Cheese: Movie budget: $70 million. Screenplay budget: chicken wings.

9. The Movie: Pulse (2006)


The Plot: When one of their friends commits suicide, a group of college students finds out that his death is linked to a computer virus that has unlocked the pathway between the dead and the living.

The Context: Mattie (Kristen Bell) finds her friend Izzie (Christina Milian) hiding under her covers and acting strangely.

The Line:Do you know what dying tastes like? Metal.” – Izzie (Christina Milian)

The Cheese: What? I thought it tasted like pizza.

8. The Movie: Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2 (1987)


The Plot: Ricky Caldwell (Eric Freeman) – the brother of the “Santa Claus killer” in the first movie – escapes from a mental hospital, dons a Santa outfit and goes on a search for the Mother Superior he blames for his brother’s fate.

The Context: In a flashback sequence before he was committed to the hospital, we see Ricky going on a shooting rampage through a suburban neighborhood. When he comes across one unfortunate soccer dad taking out the trash, he aims his gun and opens fire.

The Line:Garbage day!” – Ricky Caldwell (Eric Freeman)

The Cheese: Ok, I get maybe it’s not as funny reading this line as it is watching it. Which is why you should head on over to YouTube immediately and witness the glory of actor/community college drama-school-reject Eric Freeman delivering this bad boy. I don’t use the word “transcendent” lightly, but…seriously, just watch it. Just…seriously.

7. The Movie: New York Ripper (1982)


The Plot: A New York detective and a psychoanalyst go on the hunt for a vicious serial killer responsible for murdering several women in the Big Apple.

The Context: A coroner performs an autopsy on one of the murdered women and offers his considered opinion.

The Line:He used a blade. Stuck it up her joy trail, and slit her wide open.” – Dr. Barry Jones (Robert Spafford)

The Cheese: Come on doc, don’t hold back. Give it to me straight. Note:Joy trail” has now officially entered my daily vocabulary.

6. The Movie: Shark Attack 3: Megalodon (2002)




The Plot: A giant prehistoric shark terrorizes the waters off the coast of Mexico.

The Context: Ben Carpenter (John Barrowman) walks research scientist Cat Stone (Jennifer McShane) to her car after a long, hard day. She tells him she’s exhausted, but Mr. Carpenter has other things in mind.

The Line:I’m really wired. What do you say I take you home and eat your p***y?” – Ben Carpenter (John Barrowman)

The Cheese: Need further proof that the movies are nothing like real life? This actually gets the dude laid. Note: Actor John Barrowman improvised this line. Which effectively makes him one of the Top Ten People in the History of the Universe.

5. The Movie: Feardotcom (2002)


The Plot: A detective and a Department of Health employee investigate a series of mysterious deaths all linked to a website called FearDotCom.com.

The Context: Alistair Pratt (Stephen Rea), the sadistic mastermind of the website, taunts a victim who he has tied up and blindfolded.

The Line:How enticing the smell of cheap perfume can be… or is that fear?” – Alistair Pratt (Stephen Rea)

The Cheese: No… actually that’s just cheap perfume.

4. The Movie: Species (1995)


The Plot: A team of scientists and FBI agents must track down a deadly half-human/half-alien creature created by the government before she is able to mate with a human man and produce offspring.

The Context: Empath Dan Smithson (Forest Whitaker) comes across a dead body.

The Line:Something bad happened here.” – Dan Smithson (Forest Whitaker)

The Cheese: Your powers of deduction are truly awesome, psychic friend! I’m sorry I ever doubted you.

3. The Movie: Alone in the Dark (2005)


The Plot: A paranormal detective and a brilliant (super-hot!) archaeologist discover that an ancient civilization opened the door between light and darkness and released something…evil.

The Context: Paranormal detective Edward Carnby (Christian Slater) offers up a nugget of profound insight.

The Line:Fear is what protects you from the things you don’t believe in.” – Edward Carnby (Christian Slater)

The Cheese: Tara Reid is still trying to figure this one out.

2. The Movie: The Swarm (1978)

The Plot: An enormous swarm of killer bees from Africa invades the United States.

The Context: Dr. Hubbard, concerned about the possibility of the killer bees disrupting a nearby nuclear plant, approaches plant director Dr. Andrews to shut it down. When Andrews scoffs and says billions have been spent to keep the plant fail-safe, Hubbard replies with the following gem.

The Line:I appreciate that, Doctor, but let me ask you: in all your fail-safe techniques, is there a provision for an attack by killer bees?” – Dr. Hubbard (Richard Chamberlain)

The Cheese: Uh…that’s a rhetorical question, right?

1. The Movie: They Live (1988)

The Plot: Homeless drifter George Nada (Roddy Piper) discovers a pair of sunglasses that, when worn, reveal a race of alien beings posing as humans.

The Context: George stumbles into a bank filled with the alien creatures and readies his shotgun.

The Line:I have come here to chew bubblegum and kick ass. And I’m all out of bubblegum.” – George Nada (Roddy Piper)

The Cheese: The wrestler-turned-actor allegedly ad-libbed this line during filming. Which really begs the question: have they already decided on the Lifetime Achievement award recipient at the Oscars this year? If not, I have three words for you: Roddy f***ing Piper.

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Editorials

Six Shot-on-VHS Horror Movies to Watch After ‘Frogman’

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Frogman VHS

Nostalgia is a funny thing. From the unexpected resurgence of vinyl to modern-day flip phones, it’s pretty clear that the technical limitations of the past can often inspire the stylish trends of the future. One of my favorite examples of this is the ongoing analog horror craze, as I find it fascinating how many of the genre’s major creators appear to have been born after the decline of VHS tapes and eerie PSAs.

It’s almost like there’s a subconscious understanding that some stories are best told through fuzzy visuals and heavily compressed audio, which is why I appreciate flicks like Anthony Cousins’s Found Footage throwback Frogman, a cryptozoology-inspired scary movie that dares to incorporate lo-fi aesthetics into its storytelling during a time when most studios encourage filmmakers to make their projects look as generically slick and polished as possible. And if you also enjoyed Frogman and are on the lookout for more VHS-based gems, Bloody-Disgusting has got you covered, as we’ve come up with a list highlighting six shot-on-VHS classics for your viewing pleasure.

As usual, don’t forget to comment below with your own favorite analog thrillers if you think we missed a particularly spooky one. I’d also like to give a shout-out to Bloody-Disgusting’s own long-running V/H/S series, which won’t be included here for obvious reasons.

Now, onto the list…


6. Zero Day (2003)

School shootings are one of the scariest realities of the modern world, but the complicated political elements behind these tragedies mean that most genre filmmakers don’t even try to tell stories about them. There are a few exceptions, however, and one of the most notable is Ben Coccio’s Zero Day, a deeply uncomfortable Found Footage character study that explores just how far ill-intentioned teenagers might go to prove a point.

Inspired by the real-world Columbine Basement Tapes, in which the mass-murderers kept a record of their plans and motivations, Coccio’s film follows a fictional video diary where troubled friends Andre and Calvin discuss their homicidal intentions. Another case where the gritty visuals make the story hit even harder, I’d recommend this one for discerning fans of True Crime media.


5. August Underground (2001)

Out of all the movies on this list, Fred Vogel’s August Underground is simultaneously one of the most fascinating and the hardest to recommend. A simulated snuff film following the exploits of a degenerate serial killer and his deranged filmmaker friend, the low production value and amateurish visuals make this shot-on-video experience even more uncomfortable as you begin to question if it really is just a movie.

And while Vogel would go on to expand on this controversial production with a series of slightly more agreeable sequels that boasted improved visuals, none of the follow-ups can quite compare to the raw thrills of the original. Just make sure that you don’t accidentally pick this one for family movie night if you dare to give it a watch.


4. WNUF Halloween Special (2013)

Frogman VHS list

The only entry on this list produced after the decline of VHS-based media, this 2013 classic still holds up as a convincing masterclass in authentic period-piece horror. A simulated recording of a public access show gone terribly wrong, the WNUF Halloween Special should be on everyone’s spooky season watchlist – though I’d argue that it’s best enjoyed as a background conversation piece during Halloween parties.

From the hilarious yet extremely believable retro advertisements to the not-so-subtle hints of the satanic panic motivating the story, this is a delightful experience even if you weren’t alive back when this kind of TV was still on the air.

And if you like this one, don’t forget to check out the Out There Halloween Mega Tape, which was made by the same director.


3. The McPherson Tape (1989)

Originally made popular by bootleg copies circulating the underground VHS trading scene, there’s no discussing shot-on-video horror without bringing up one of the grandaddies of modern-day Found Footage, the legendary McPherson Tape. Also known as UFO Abduction, this homemade thriller follows a birthday party gone wrong as the Van Heese family is visited by extraterrestrials.

While the flick works better as a terrifying hoax rather than a proper movie due to its odd pacing and general lack of traditional story structure, it’s still a must-watch for Found Footage fans. Just be sure to track down the gritty original, not the 1998 remake, Alien Abduction: Incident in Lake County.


2. Ghostwatch (1992)

Frogman VHS movies

The term “made-for-TV” used to carry some seriously negative connotations in the world of film, with most audiences assuming that this kind of classification meant that they were about to watch low-budget schlock unsuitable for the big screen. However, there were plenty of clever filmmakers that managed to turn the limitations of broadcast television into storytelling tools, and a great example of this is Stephen Volk’s excellent mockumentary, Ghostwatch.

Starring real TV host Sir Michael Parkinson and borrowing details from the infamous Enfield Poltergeist case, this controversial TV special attempted to do for hauntings what Orson Welles’s War of the Worlds radio adaptation did for aliens. And while we’ve seen scarier Found Footage ghost stories in the decades since Ghostwatch premiered, I’d argue that the chilling authenticity behind the production makes it well worth revisiting in 2024.


1. America’s Deadliest Home Video (1993)

Jack Perez’s pioneer POV thriller may not be that well known these days, but this obscure little gem is actually responsible for many Found Footage tropes that we now take for granted. Telling the story of an amateur cameraman who finds himself being kidnapped by a group of criminals during a road trip, this video diary from hell still holds up as a horrific example of grounded Found Footage.

While some questionable acting and convenient story beats sometimes break the carefully crafted immersion, America’s Deadliest Home Video stands out by not only being one of the first of its kind, but also by embracing its amateurish roots instead of being embarrassed by them.


Frogman, which actually was released on VHS, is now available on VOD outlets.

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