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Top Ten Cheesiest Horror Movie One-Liners!

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Oh, America. We do love our one-liners, don’t we? From sea to shining sea, they’ve never really gone out of style (although some would argue they reached their pinnacle in the 1980s). When done right, they are truly a wondrous thing to behold (see: Billy Wilder). When done wrong, they’re capable of providing hours upon hours of unintentional laughter. Well, unintentional on the part of the filmmakers, anyway. Of course, the term “one-liner” often brings to mind comedies and action films, but what about horror? Our favorite genre has its fair share, believe me. And after hours and hours of extensive research, I’ve managed to compile a list of the ten best. You’re welcome.
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Top Ten Cheesiest Horror Movie One-Liners

10. The Movie: Doom (2005)


The Plot: Based on the best-selling video game, the story follows a group of Space Marines as they investigate strange events at a research facility on Mars and are besieged by hostile creatures.

The Context: Doctor Carmack (Robert Russell), the man responsible for the outbreak of genetically-altered mutants, transforms into an “imp“. Dr. Samantha Grimm (Rosamund Pike) says that his condition may be reversible. Sarge (Dwayne Johnson) begs to differ.

The Line:Doctor Carmack’s condition is irreversible…[shoots Dr. Carmack]…because Carmack’s condition is that he’s dead.

The Cheese: Movie budget: $70 million. Screenplay budget: chicken wings.

9. The Movie: Pulse (2006)


The Plot: When one of their friends commits suicide, a group of college students finds out that his death is linked to a computer virus that has unlocked the pathway between the dead and the living.

The Context: Mattie (Kristen Bell) finds her friend Izzie (Christina Milian) hiding under her covers and acting strangely.

The Line:Do you know what dying tastes like? Metal.” – Izzie (Christina Milian)

The Cheese: What? I thought it tasted like pizza.

8. The Movie: Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2 (1987)


The Plot: Ricky Caldwell (Eric Freeman) – the brother of the “Santa Claus killer” in the first movie – escapes from a mental hospital, dons a Santa outfit and goes on a search for the Mother Superior he blames for his brother’s fate.

The Context: In a flashback sequence before he was committed to the hospital, we see Ricky going on a shooting rampage through a suburban neighborhood. When he comes across one unfortunate soccer dad taking out the trash, he aims his gun and opens fire.

The Line:Garbage day!” – Ricky Caldwell (Eric Freeman)

The Cheese: Ok, I get maybe it’s not as funny reading this line as it is watching it. Which is why you should head on over to YouTube immediately and witness the glory of actor/community college drama-school-reject Eric Freeman delivering this bad boy. I don’t use the word “transcendent” lightly, but…seriously, just watch it. Just…seriously.

7. The Movie: New York Ripper (1982)


The Plot: A New York detective and a psychoanalyst go on the hunt for a vicious serial killer responsible for murdering several women in the Big Apple.

The Context: A coroner performs an autopsy on one of the murdered women and offers his considered opinion.

The Line:He used a blade. Stuck it up her joy trail, and slit her wide open.” – Dr. Barry Jones (Robert Spafford)

The Cheese: Come on doc, don’t hold back. Give it to me straight. Note:Joy trail” has now officially entered my daily vocabulary.

6. The Movie: Shark Attack 3: Megalodon (2002)




The Plot: A giant prehistoric shark terrorizes the waters off the coast of Mexico.

The Context: Ben Carpenter (John Barrowman) walks research scientist Cat Stone (Jennifer McShane) to her car after a long, hard day. She tells him she’s exhausted, but Mr. Carpenter has other things in mind.

The Line:I’m really wired. What do you say I take you home and eat your p***y?” – Ben Carpenter (John Barrowman)

The Cheese: Need further proof that the movies are nothing like real life? This actually gets the dude laid. Note: Actor John Barrowman improvised this line. Which effectively makes him one of the Top Ten People in the History of the Universe.

5. The Movie: Feardotcom (2002)


The Plot: A detective and a Department of Health employee investigate a series of mysterious deaths all linked to a website called FearDotCom.com.

The Context: Alistair Pratt (Stephen Rea), the sadistic mastermind of the website, taunts a victim who he has tied up and blindfolded.

The Line:How enticing the smell of cheap perfume can be… or is that fear?” – Alistair Pratt (Stephen Rea)

The Cheese: No… actually that’s just cheap perfume.

4. The Movie: Species (1995)


The Plot: A team of scientists and FBI agents must track down a deadly half-human/half-alien creature created by the government before she is able to mate with a human man and produce offspring.

The Context: Empath Dan Smithson (Forest Whitaker) comes across a dead body.

The Line:Something bad happened here.” – Dan Smithson (Forest Whitaker)

The Cheese: Your powers of deduction are truly awesome, psychic friend! I’m sorry I ever doubted you.

3. The Movie: Alone in the Dark (2005)


The Plot: A paranormal detective and a brilliant (super-hot!) archaeologist discover that an ancient civilization opened the door between light and darkness and released something…evil.

The Context: Paranormal detective Edward Carnby (Christian Slater) offers up a nugget of profound insight.

The Line:Fear is what protects you from the things you don’t believe in.” – Edward Carnby (Christian Slater)

The Cheese: Tara Reid is still trying to figure this one out.

2. The Movie: The Swarm (1978)

The Plot: An enormous swarm of killer bees from Africa invades the United States.

The Context: Dr. Hubbard, concerned about the possibility of the killer bees disrupting a nearby nuclear plant, approaches plant director Dr. Andrews to shut it down. When Andrews scoffs and says billions have been spent to keep the plant fail-safe, Hubbard replies with the following gem.

The Line:I appreciate that, Doctor, but let me ask you: in all your fail-safe techniques, is there a provision for an attack by killer bees?” – Dr. Hubbard (Richard Chamberlain)

The Cheese: Uh…that’s a rhetorical question, right?

1. The Movie: They Live (1988)

The Plot: Homeless drifter George Nada (Roddy Piper) discovers a pair of sunglasses that, when worn, reveal a race of alien beings posing as humans.

The Context: George stumbles into a bank filled with the alien creatures and readies his shotgun.

The Line:I have come here to chew bubblegum and kick ass. And I’m all out of bubblegum.” – George Nada (Roddy Piper)

The Cheese: The wrestler-turned-actor allegedly ad-libbed this line during filming. Which really begs the question: have they already decided on the Lifetime Achievement award recipient at the Oscars this year? If not, I have three words for you: Roddy f***ing Piper.

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Editorials

‘A Haunted House’ and the Death of the Horror Spoof Movie

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Due to a complex series of anthropological mishaps, the Wayans Brothers are a huge deal in Brazil. Around these parts, White Chicks is considered a national treasure by a lot of people, so it stands to reason that Brazilian audiences would continue to accompany the Wayans’ comedic output long after North America had stopped taking them seriously as comedic titans.

This is the only reason why I originally watched Michael Tiddes and Marlon Wayans’ 2013 horror spoof A Haunted House – appropriately known as “Paranormal Inactivity” in South America – despite having abandoned this kind of movie shortly after the excellent Scary Movie 3. However, to my complete and utter amazement, I found myself mostly enjoying this unhinged parody of Found Footage films almost as much as the iconic spoofs that spear-headed the genre during the 2000s. And with Paramount having recently announced a reboot of the Scary Movie franchise, I think this is the perfect time to revisit the divisive humor of A Haunted House and maybe figure out why this kind of film hasn’t been popular in a long time.

Before we had memes and internet personalities to make fun of movie tropes for free on the internet, parody movies had been entertaining audiences with meta-humor since the very dawn of cinema. And since the genre attracted large audiences without the need for a serious budget, it made sense for studios to encourage parodies of their own productions – which is precisely what happened with Miramax when they commissioned a parody of the Scream franchise, the original Scary Movie.

The unprecedented success of the spoof (especially overseas) led to a series of sequels, spin-offs and rip-offs that came along throughout the 2000s. While some of these were still quite funny (I have a soft spot for 2008’s Superhero Movie), they ended up flooding the market much like the Guitar Hero games that plagued video game stores during that same timeframe.

You could really confuse someone by editing this scene into Paranormal Activity.

Of course, that didn’t stop Tiddes and Marlon Wayans from wanting to make another spoof meant to lampoon a sub-genre that had been mostly overlooked by the Scary Movie series – namely the second wave of Found Footage films inspired by Paranormal Activity. Wayans actually had an easier time than usual funding the picture due to the project’s Found Footage presentation, with the format allowing for a lower budget without compromising box office appeal.

In the finished film, we’re presented with supposedly real footage recovered from the home of Malcom Johnson (Wayans). The recordings themselves depict a series of unexplainable events that begin to plague his home when Kisha Davis (Essence Atkins) decides to move in, with the couple slowly realizing that the difficulties of a shared life are no match for demonic shenanigans.

In practice, this means that viewers are subjected to a series of familiar scares subverted by wacky hijinks, with the flick featuring everything from a humorous recreation of the iconic fan-camera from Paranormal Activity 3 to bizarre dance numbers replacing Katy’s late-night trances from Oren Peli’s original movie.

Your enjoyment of these antics will obviously depend on how accepting you are of Wayans’ patented brand of crass comedy. From advanced potty humor to some exaggerated racial commentary – including a clever moment where Malcom actually attempts to move out of the titular haunted house because he’s not white enough to deal with the haunting – it’s not all that surprising that the flick wound up with a 10% rating on Rotten Tomatoes despite making a killing at the box office.

However, while this isn’t my preferred kind of humor, I think the inherent limitations of Found Footage ended up curtailing the usual excesses present in this kind of parody, with the filmmakers being forced to focus on character-based comedy and a smaller scale story. This is why I mostly appreciate the love-hate rapport between Kisha and Malcom even if it wouldn’t translate to a healthy relationship in real life.

Of course, the jokes themselves can also be pretty entertaining on their own, with cartoony gags like the ghost getting high with the protagonists (complete with smoke-filled invisible lungs) and a series of silly The Exorcist homages towards the end of the movie. The major issue here is that these legitimately funny and genre-specific jokes are often accompanied by repetitive attempts at low-brow humor that you could find in any other cheap comedy.

Not a good idea.

Not only are some of these painfully drawn out “jokes” incredibly unfunny, but they can also be remarkably offensive in some cases. There are some pretty insensitive allusions to sexual assault here, as well as a collection of secondary characters defined by negative racial stereotypes (even though I chuckled heartily when the Latina maid was revealed to have been faking her poor English the entire time).

Cinephiles often claim that increasingly sloppy writing led to audiences giving up on spoof movies, but the fact is that many of the more beloved examples of the genre contain some of the same issues as later films like A Haunted House – it’s just that we as an audience have (mostly) grown up and are now demanding more from our comedy. However, this isn’t the case everywhere, as – much like the Elves from Lord of the Rings – spoof movies never really died, they simply diminished.

A Haunted House made so much money that they immediately started working on a second one that released the following year (to even worse reviews), and the same team would later collaborate once again on yet another spoof, 50 Shades of Black. This kind of film clearly still exists and still makes a lot of money (especially here in Brazil), they just don’t have the same cultural impact that they used to in a pre-social-media-humor world.

At the end of the day, A Haunted House is no comedic masterpiece, failing to live up to the laugh-out-loud thrills of films like Scary Movie 3, but it’s also not the trainwreck that most critics made it out to be back in 2013. Comedy is extremely subjective, and while the raunchy humor behind this flick definitely isn’t for everyone, I still think that this satirical romp is mostly harmless fun that might entertain Found Footage fans that don’t take themselves too seriously.

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