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Top Ten Cheesiest Horror Movie One-Liners!

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Oh, America. We do love our one-liners, don’t we? From sea to shining sea, they’ve never really gone out of style (although some would argue they reached their pinnacle in the 1980s). When done right, they are truly a wondrous thing to behold (see: Billy Wilder). When done wrong, they’re capable of providing hours upon hours of unintentional laughter. Well, unintentional on the part of the filmmakers, anyway. Of course, the term “one-liner” often brings to mind comedies and action films, but what about horror? Our favorite genre has its fair share, believe me. And after hours and hours of extensive research, I’ve managed to compile a list of the ten best. You’re welcome.
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Top Ten Cheesiest Horror Movie One-Liners

10. The Movie: Doom (2005)


The Plot: Based on the best-selling video game, the story follows a group of Space Marines as they investigate strange events at a research facility on Mars and are besieged by hostile creatures.

The Context: Doctor Carmack (Robert Russell), the man responsible for the outbreak of genetically-altered mutants, transforms into an “imp“. Dr. Samantha Grimm (Rosamund Pike) says that his condition may be reversible. Sarge (Dwayne Johnson) begs to differ.

The Line:Doctor Carmack’s condition is irreversible…[shoots Dr. Carmack]…because Carmack’s condition is that he’s dead.

The Cheese: Movie budget: $70 million. Screenplay budget: chicken wings.

9. The Movie: Pulse (2006)


The Plot: When one of their friends commits suicide, a group of college students finds out that his death is linked to a computer virus that has unlocked the pathway between the dead and the living.

The Context: Mattie (Kristen Bell) finds her friend Izzie (Christina Milian) hiding under her covers and acting strangely.

The Line:Do you know what dying tastes like? Metal.” – Izzie (Christina Milian)

The Cheese: What? I thought it tasted like pizza.

8. The Movie: Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2 (1987)


The Plot: Ricky Caldwell (Eric Freeman) – the brother of the “Santa Claus killer” in the first movie – escapes from a mental hospital, dons a Santa outfit and goes on a search for the Mother Superior he blames for his brother’s fate.

The Context: In a flashback sequence before he was committed to the hospital, we see Ricky going on a shooting rampage through a suburban neighborhood. When he comes across one unfortunate soccer dad taking out the trash, he aims his gun and opens fire.

The Line:Garbage day!” – Ricky Caldwell (Eric Freeman)

The Cheese: Ok, I get maybe it’s not as funny reading this line as it is watching it. Which is why you should head on over to YouTube immediately and witness the glory of actor/community college drama-school-reject Eric Freeman delivering this bad boy. I don’t use the word “transcendent” lightly, but…seriously, just watch it. Just…seriously.

7. The Movie: New York Ripper (1982)


The Plot: A New York detective and a psychoanalyst go on the hunt for a vicious serial killer responsible for murdering several women in the Big Apple.

The Context: A coroner performs an autopsy on one of the murdered women and offers his considered opinion.

The Line:He used a blade. Stuck it up her joy trail, and slit her wide open.” – Dr. Barry Jones (Robert Spafford)

The Cheese: Come on doc, don’t hold back. Give it to me straight. Note:Joy trail” has now officially entered my daily vocabulary.

6. The Movie: Shark Attack 3: Megalodon (2002)




The Plot: A giant prehistoric shark terrorizes the waters off the coast of Mexico.

The Context: Ben Carpenter (John Barrowman) walks research scientist Cat Stone (Jennifer McShane) to her car after a long, hard day. She tells him she’s exhausted, but Mr. Carpenter has other things in mind.

The Line:I’m really wired. What do you say I take you home and eat your p***y?” – Ben Carpenter (John Barrowman)

The Cheese: Need further proof that the movies are nothing like real life? This actually gets the dude laid. Note: Actor John Barrowman improvised this line. Which effectively makes him one of the Top Ten People in the History of the Universe.

5. The Movie: Feardotcom (2002)


The Plot: A detective and a Department of Health employee investigate a series of mysterious deaths all linked to a website called FearDotCom.com.

The Context: Alistair Pratt (Stephen Rea), the sadistic mastermind of the website, taunts a victim who he has tied up and blindfolded.

The Line:How enticing the smell of cheap perfume can be… or is that fear?” – Alistair Pratt (Stephen Rea)

The Cheese: No… actually that’s just cheap perfume.

4. The Movie: Species (1995)


The Plot: A team of scientists and FBI agents must track down a deadly half-human/half-alien creature created by the government before she is able to mate with a human man and produce offspring.

The Context: Empath Dan Smithson (Forest Whitaker) comes across a dead body.

The Line:Something bad happened here.” – Dan Smithson (Forest Whitaker)

The Cheese: Your powers of deduction are truly awesome, psychic friend! I’m sorry I ever doubted you.

3. The Movie: Alone in the Dark (2005)


The Plot: A paranormal detective and a brilliant (super-hot!) archaeologist discover that an ancient civilization opened the door between light and darkness and released something…evil.

The Context: Paranormal detective Edward Carnby (Christian Slater) offers up a nugget of profound insight.

The Line:Fear is what protects you from the things you don’t believe in.” – Edward Carnby (Christian Slater)

The Cheese: Tara Reid is still trying to figure this one out.

2. The Movie: The Swarm (1978)

The Plot: An enormous swarm of killer bees from Africa invades the United States.

The Context: Dr. Hubbard, concerned about the possibility of the killer bees disrupting a nearby nuclear plant, approaches plant director Dr. Andrews to shut it down. When Andrews scoffs and says billions have been spent to keep the plant fail-safe, Hubbard replies with the following gem.

The Line:I appreciate that, Doctor, but let me ask you: in all your fail-safe techniques, is there a provision for an attack by killer bees?” – Dr. Hubbard (Richard Chamberlain)

The Cheese: Uh…that’s a rhetorical question, right?

1. The Movie: They Live (1988)

The Plot: Homeless drifter George Nada (Roddy Piper) discovers a pair of sunglasses that, when worn, reveal a race of alien beings posing as humans.

The Context: George stumbles into a bank filled with the alien creatures and readies his shotgun.

The Line:I have come here to chew bubblegum and kick ass. And I’m all out of bubblegum.” – George Nada (Roddy Piper)

The Cheese: The wrestler-turned-actor allegedly ad-libbed this line during filming. Which really begs the question: have they already decided on the Lifetime Achievement award recipient at the Oscars this year? If not, I have three words for you: Roddy f***ing Piper.

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Editorials

“Godzilla: The Series” Remains the Best Thing to Come Out of the 1998 Remake

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godzilla the series

While plans to further TriStar’s Godzilla franchise on the big screen fell through, the animated sequel turned out to be a great alternative. Godzilla: The Series debuted mere months after the 1998 film was released, and it went on to become a popular part of Fox Kids’ Saturday morning programming. And although this continuation had a limited lifespan of just two seasons, it still managed to do the impossible and redeem Roland Emmerich’s widely disliked adaptation.

Similar to Ultra Q, Godzilla: The Series saw Dr. Niko “Nick” Tatopoulos (out with Matthew Broderick, in with Ian Ziering) leading a specialized team — Humanitarian Environmental Analysis Team, or H.E.A.T. for short — in the struggle against the giant and disruptive creatures (often referred to as “mutants”) who have begun to appear all across the globe. Aiding them was the lone, surviving offspring of Godzilla teased at the end of the film. And to ensure the juvenile Godzilla stood with humanity rather than against it, the spawn imprinted on Nick and saw him as his parent.

Along with “worm guy” Tatopoulos, the animated Godzilla: The Series brought back supporting characters from the film and gave them lead parts. Namely H.E.A.T. members Dr. Elsie Chapman and Dr. Mendel Craven. Charity James filled in for Vicki Lewis while Malcolm Danare was one of several actors from the film to reprise their roles in the cartoon. Paleobiologist Chapman was the snarky animal-behavior expert, and engineer Craven served as the show’s comic relief (which was always done at his own expense). On top of Craven’s many ridiculous allergies and other vulnerable quirks, his talking robot-buddy N.I.G.E.L. (short for Next Millennium Intelligence Gathering Electronic Liaison) drew cheap laughs; the machine routinely met a fate in the vein of South Park’s “oh my god, they killed Kenny” running gag.

godzilla the series 90s

Pictured: Godzilla defeats the Shrewster in “The Twister.”

Rounding out H.E.A.T. were two new characters: DGSE secret agent Monique Dupré (Brigitte Bako) and young computer whiz Randy Hernandez (Rino Romano). The former started out like Jean Reno’s character from the film; Dupré was sent by the French government to “clean up” its mess after incidentally creating the Godzilla species, and after Philippe Roaché’s failure to eliminate all of the hatchlings. The steely servicewoman gradually warmed up as she became more involved in H.E.A.T. and realized this new Godzilla was vastly different from his father. As for Randy, he is the team’s genius slacker-hacker who still has a lot to learn from his older colleagues.

The previously mentioned Agent Roaché popped up in the cartoon, although now he was voiced by Keith Szarabajka. Reporter Audrey Timmonds (Paget Brewster) continued to be overly ambitious, much to the detriment of her already strained relationship with Nick, and her cameraman, Victor “Animal” Palotti, was downright testy now that Joe Pantoliano took over for Hank Azaria. On top of Malcolm Danare, other returning actors included Kevin Dunn as H.E.A.T.’s military associate and one of Godzilla’s reluctant supporters, Major Anthony Hicks, and Michael Lerner as Mayor Ebert. The latter character’s naming was, by the way, Emmerich’s petty response to critic Roger Ebert’s negative reviews of his previous films.

Missteps regarding the ‘98 film’s namesake were decisively corrected in the animated sequel. For starters, Godzilla’s trademark atomic fire breath was reintroduced without questioning; the progeny now emitted a green flame, whereas later on in the story, its revived father suddenly possessed the traditional blue variant. Moreover, Godzilla Junior was not only bigger and stronger than his parent, he was far more resilient to military attacks and whatnot. The power upgrade was necessary if the new Big G was tangling with other colossal critters. Most importantly, though, was the addition of a personality. The film treated its enormous star as nothing more than a wrecking ball with legs and claws. Any attempt at creating character was saved for the human cast, however dull they turned out. Meanwhile, the series managed to imbue the King of Monsters with a sense of individuality without also veering into anthropomorphism. The prolific Frank Welker, who provided various creature sounds both here and in the ’98 film, helped vocalize Godzilla’s subtle but growing selfhood.

Pictured: Nick, Elsie and Monique look on as Cyber-Godzilla and two extraterrestrial spaceships appear in “Monster Wars.”

As beloved as Godzilla is, it failed to bring back any other Toho creations. Big hitters like Ghidorah and Mothra are nowhere to be found in the cartoon on account of the fact that licensing them would have been too pricey. To get around this obstacle, though, the staff periodically conceived parallels to Toho’s classic kaijū. There are those monsters whose references are subtle or obscure — Megapede, a prodigious breed of spider and a gigantic turtle respectively bear physical traits of Battra, Kumonga and Kamoebas — while others, such as Quetzalcoatl (Rodan), Robo-Yeti (Mechani-Kong) and Cyber-Godzilla (Mechagodzilla and Mecha-King Ghidorah), were blatant analogs. The remainder of the monster gallery had a tendency to be oversized, run-of-the-mill fauna brought on by chemical pollution, climate change and ecocide. Jumbo bugs were especially overused in the show. Nevertheless, Fil Barlow’s superb creature designs compensated for the more generic adversaries.

Godzilla: The Series was, of course, not the first animated adaptation; Hanna-Barbera’s Godzilla aired between 1978 and ‘79. In several ways, the newer cartoon is an update of the aforesaid series. Both casts traveled by boat to foreign locales and tangled with regional monstrosities, and each show had specific technology that could summon Godzilla to their rescue at a moment’s notice. The ‘70s version had a fair share of outlandish stories, yet nothing quite compared to the far-out plots of its successor. On occasion, H.E.A.T. battled aliens (in a saga akin to Destroy All Monsters) and tackled time-travel (à la Marvel’s Days of Future Past). The cartoon route made all of these more fantastical adventures easier to swallow, not to mention feasible.

Jeff Kline and Richard Raynis (Extreme Ghostbusters, Men in Black: The Series) faced an uphill battle when they developed this series. And despite the cartoon raking in consistently good ratings and positive reviews, it still had no chance of surviving without tie-in toys to turn a profit. The staggering amount of unsold film merchandise led to retailers refusing to sell the toys for the TV show, thus leading to its cancellation. Even so, this small-screen sequel was captivating while it lasted. The characters were likable, the writing was punchy, the animation was solid, and the monster-on-monster action was plentiful and exciting. It was simply hard not to enjoy Godzilla: The Series. Even the film’s biggest detractors were — and still are — charmed by the overall quality of this animated follow-up.

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Pictured: Godzilla and H.E.A.T. celebrate the defeat of Quetzalcoatl in “Bird of Paradise.”

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