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Top Ten Cheesiest Horror Movie One-Liners!

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Oh, America. We do love our one-liners, don’t we? From sea to shining sea, they’ve never really gone out of style (although some would argue they reached their pinnacle in the 1980s). When done right, they are truly a wondrous thing to behold (see: Billy Wilder). When done wrong, they’re capable of providing hours upon hours of unintentional laughter. Well, unintentional on the part of the filmmakers, anyway. Of course, the term “one-liner” often brings to mind comedies and action films, but what about horror? Our favorite genre has its fair share, believe me. And after hours and hours of extensive research, I’ve managed to compile a list of the ten best. You’re welcome.
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Top Ten Cheesiest Horror Movie One-Liners

10. The Movie: Doom (2005)


The Plot: Based on the best-selling video game, the story follows a group of Space Marines as they investigate strange events at a research facility on Mars and are besieged by hostile creatures.

The Context: Doctor Carmack (Robert Russell), the man responsible for the outbreak of genetically-altered mutants, transforms into an “imp“. Dr. Samantha Grimm (Rosamund Pike) says that his condition may be reversible. Sarge (Dwayne Johnson) begs to differ.

The Line:Doctor Carmack’s condition is irreversible…[shoots Dr. Carmack]…because Carmack’s condition is that he’s dead.

The Cheese: Movie budget: $70 million. Screenplay budget: chicken wings.

9. The Movie: Pulse (2006)


The Plot: When one of their friends commits suicide, a group of college students finds out that his death is linked to a computer virus that has unlocked the pathway between the dead and the living.

The Context: Mattie (Kristen Bell) finds her friend Izzie (Christina Milian) hiding under her covers and acting strangely.

The Line:Do you know what dying tastes like? Metal.” – Izzie (Christina Milian)

The Cheese: What? I thought it tasted like pizza.

8. The Movie: Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2 (1987)


The Plot: Ricky Caldwell (Eric Freeman) – the brother of the “Santa Claus killer” in the first movie – escapes from a mental hospital, dons a Santa outfit and goes on a search for the Mother Superior he blames for his brother’s fate.

The Context: In a flashback sequence before he was committed to the hospital, we see Ricky going on a shooting rampage through a suburban neighborhood. When he comes across one unfortunate soccer dad taking out the trash, he aims his gun and opens fire.

The Line:Garbage day!” – Ricky Caldwell (Eric Freeman)

The Cheese: Ok, I get maybe it’s not as funny reading this line as it is watching it. Which is why you should head on over to YouTube immediately and witness the glory of actor/community college drama-school-reject Eric Freeman delivering this bad boy. I don’t use the word “transcendent” lightly, but…seriously, just watch it. Just…seriously.

7. The Movie: New York Ripper (1982)


The Plot: A New York detective and a psychoanalyst go on the hunt for a vicious serial killer responsible for murdering several women in the Big Apple.

The Context: A coroner performs an autopsy on one of the murdered women and offers his considered opinion.

The Line:He used a blade. Stuck it up her joy trail, and slit her wide open.” – Dr. Barry Jones (Robert Spafford)

The Cheese: Come on doc, don’t hold back. Give it to me straight. Note:Joy trail” has now officially entered my daily vocabulary.

6. The Movie: Shark Attack 3: Megalodon (2002)




The Plot: A giant prehistoric shark terrorizes the waters off the coast of Mexico.

The Context: Ben Carpenter (John Barrowman) walks research scientist Cat Stone (Jennifer McShane) to her car after a long, hard day. She tells him she’s exhausted, but Mr. Carpenter has other things in mind.

The Line:I’m really wired. What do you say I take you home and eat your p***y?” – Ben Carpenter (John Barrowman)

The Cheese: Need further proof that the movies are nothing like real life? This actually gets the dude laid. Note: Actor John Barrowman improvised this line. Which effectively makes him one of the Top Ten People in the History of the Universe.

5. The Movie: Feardotcom (2002)


The Plot: A detective and a Department of Health employee investigate a series of mysterious deaths all linked to a website called FearDotCom.com.

The Context: Alistair Pratt (Stephen Rea), the sadistic mastermind of the website, taunts a victim who he has tied up and blindfolded.

The Line:How enticing the smell of cheap perfume can be… or is that fear?” – Alistair Pratt (Stephen Rea)

The Cheese: No… actually that’s just cheap perfume.

4. The Movie: Species (1995)


The Plot: A team of scientists and FBI agents must track down a deadly half-human/half-alien creature created by the government before she is able to mate with a human man and produce offspring.

The Context: Empath Dan Smithson (Forest Whitaker) comes across a dead body.

The Line:Something bad happened here.” – Dan Smithson (Forest Whitaker)

The Cheese: Your powers of deduction are truly awesome, psychic friend! I’m sorry I ever doubted you.

3. The Movie: Alone in the Dark (2005)


The Plot: A paranormal detective and a brilliant (super-hot!) archaeologist discover that an ancient civilization opened the door between light and darkness and released something…evil.

The Context: Paranormal detective Edward Carnby (Christian Slater) offers up a nugget of profound insight.

The Line:Fear is what protects you from the things you don’t believe in.” – Edward Carnby (Christian Slater)

The Cheese: Tara Reid is still trying to figure this one out.

2. The Movie: The Swarm (1978)

The Plot: An enormous swarm of killer bees from Africa invades the United States.

The Context: Dr. Hubbard, concerned about the possibility of the killer bees disrupting a nearby nuclear plant, approaches plant director Dr. Andrews to shut it down. When Andrews scoffs and says billions have been spent to keep the plant fail-safe, Hubbard replies with the following gem.

The Line:I appreciate that, Doctor, but let me ask you: in all your fail-safe techniques, is there a provision for an attack by killer bees?” – Dr. Hubbard (Richard Chamberlain)

The Cheese: Uh…that’s a rhetorical question, right?

1. The Movie: They Live (1988)

The Plot: Homeless drifter George Nada (Roddy Piper) discovers a pair of sunglasses that, when worn, reveal a race of alien beings posing as humans.

The Context: George stumbles into a bank filled with the alien creatures and readies his shotgun.

The Line:I have come here to chew bubblegum and kick ass. And I’m all out of bubblegum.” – George Nada (Roddy Piper)

The Cheese: The wrestler-turned-actor allegedly ad-libbed this line during filming. Which really begs the question: have they already decided on the Lifetime Achievement award recipient at the Oscars this year? If not, I have three words for you: Roddy f***ing Piper.

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Editorials

‘The Borderlands’ – Unearthing a Found Footage Hidden Gem

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Before unleashing a cruel fate upon its characters — one of the worst in recent horror memory — The Borderlands leads the audience down a different path, insensibly alluding to what all lies ahead. The plot breadcrumbs of Elliot Goldner’s 2013 film are only more discernible after the fact. Until that momentous reveal, this plays out as a standard story of believers and nonbelievers investigating the religious unknown and finding more than they ever thought possible. What these unfortunate souls unearth is deeply disturbing.

Renamed Final Prayer in some parts, this British film has grown steadily in renown despite its small beginnings. Recently, Guillermo del Toro put The Borderlands on more radars; the popular filmmaker deemed it an “unknown gem.” Even before obtaining such a great endorsement, Goldner’s first feature (his only one to date) was applauded for its approach to first-person and folk-horror storytelling. More high praise: The Borderlands has been favorably compared to The Wicker Man

Demonic possessions and exorcisms tend to go hand in hand when watching religious horror. Refreshingly, The Borderlands evades those overused elements even as the film’s backdrop predominantly features a church. Nevertheless, uninitiated viewers will suspect supernatural goings-on are in store after witnessing the prologue; a shared video clip shows the aftermath of an incident at a Brazilian shrine. Already in those first few seconds, Goldner is adept at misdirection, although the fruit of his labor is still a bit of a ways off. There are the standard formalities of these kinds of films to deal with first. Namely the introduction of the cameraperson, the purpose of visual documentation, and, of course, the mission. What brings these characters to the Devon countryside and why must their business be recorded?

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Pictured: In The Borderlands, Deacon (Gordon Kennedy) prays after Father Crellick’s (Luke Neal) death.

As they say, a leap of faith can lead to miracles. For Brother Deacon (Gordon Kennedy), however, miracles have become the bane of his existence. He has lost his way ever since Brazil. Sent by the Vatican, the same man spotted in the film’s vague intro is now in charge of yet another religious inquisition: confirming the veracity of a supposed miracle inside a rural church. Joining Deacon are an agnostic tech expert, Gray Parker (Robin Hill), and the rather inflexible Father Mark Amidon (Aidan McArdle). Footage of objects mysteriously moving during a christening is supported by local priest Father Crellick (Luke Neal), but Deacon and his team are, needless to say, skeptical.

Compensating for an implausible situation is the film’s grounded setup. And at the core of this out-there story are these two mismatched characters who, individually, feel like they were plucked out of real life. Intense and weary Deacon would probably never find himself in long conversation with layman Gray, a babbling goofball, had they not been assigned to work together. That being said, there is a terrific amount of chemistry between these men with opposite life experiences. Their convincing on-screen fellowship, not to mention an ability to meet one another halfway, sells everything. Especially the film’s outcome.

Something The Borderlands implements early on — and other found-footage auteurs should take note of — is assigning cameras to more than one character. This allows for a variety of angles and views, much like in a traditionally shot production, without losing the immediacy and intimacy of the first-hand perspective. The director also does not have to resort to inorganic tactics to ensure every moment is captured on video. Another general gripe with the found-footage format is the valid question of why characters never drop their recording devices when in peril, or why they always happen to have a cam available when anything weird occurs. Here the simple fix of wearable cameras makes a world of difference. Particularly once it comes time for the big reveal at the end. Staying so fixed and unflinching on the characters’ agony is more believable now.

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Pictured: Deacon (Gordon Kennedy) and Gray (Robin Hill) crawl toward their cruel fate in The Borderlands.

The horror genre’s long history of questioning, challenging and corrupting people’s faith has certainly yielded a wealth of shocks over the years. However, The Borderlands stands alone in the realm of religious horror, due in large part to its uniquely dreadful conclusion. In lieu of a conventional finisher, Goldner pulls the rug out from under everyone and delivers a tremendous ending. The kind that stays with audiences for years to come. What goes down in that final act is as impossible to unlearn and unsee as it is brilliant. The film, in hindsight, portends Deacon and Gray’s fate, but it did so with whispers.

The Borderlands dangles significant clues in front of the audience without them realizing it. The setting’s undeniable sense of unease acts as a smokescreen of sorts; Goldner persuasively establishes how the imminent danger goes far beyond the church grounds, all while throwing everyone off the scent of the real evil here. From local youths setting a live sheep on fire to the sudden suicide of a supporting character, the story has these startling moments that undermine its overall slow-burn quality. And just as the film starts to feel at odds with itself, those pieces finally fall in place and create a bigger picture. Understanding how, though, requires going back and picking up on the considerable indicators (both visual and verbal) from earlier. This scrutiny only makes future rewatches more satisfying.

If The Borderlands aimed to harm viewers on an emotional level, it succeeded with flying colors. Elliot Goldner set up what looked to be a traditional tale of religious horror, only to then lead unsuspecting audiences elsewhere. He took them down a dark passageway and left them trapped with just their raw feelings after witnessing such a horrific sight. This film is indeed recognized for its devastating closing minutes, yet the outstanding storytelling before that point, along with impressive performances from the two lead actors, should not be overlooked.

Since its original release, The Borderlands has gotten lost in the horror shuffle and gone unnoticed by the masses. Once experienced, however, the film becomes an instant reward for found-footage enthusiasts; the ones who comb through the divisive subgenre’s catalogue in search of that one elusive and worthwhile treasure.


Horrors Elsewhere is a recurring column that spotlights a variety of movies from all around the globe, particularly those not from the United States. Fears may not be universal, but one thing is for sure — a scream is understood, always and everywhere.

Borderlands

Pictured: Poster for The Borderlands.

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