The first thing that must be discussed about the American re-make of "The Vanishing," before contemplating the plot or direction, is just what in the Holy Heck sort of accent is Jeff Bridges supposed to be sporting? French-Canadian? Eastern College Professor? Effeminate Eskimo? Y'know, I'm never keen on trashing "The Dude," and his performance is one of the only positives about this turgid thriller, but he sounds like Fenster from "The Usual Suspects" sucking on bar of Zest.

Bridges plays your average mild-manner psychopath who decides that he needs to kidnap a young woman. The first quarter-hour of the film concentrates on Bridges' Barney practicing and honing his kidnapping skills, including accidentally sneezing into his own chloroform-filled hanky. It's such a quirky beginning, and Bridges is such an entertaining performer, that, having never seen the original, Hollywood may have slipped up and made an interesting flick with a foreign flavor that doesn't succumb to the petulant, paint-by-numbers plot-falls of your average serial-killer grab-bag.

Enter Sandra Bullock. And Kiefer Sutherland. And, for the love of God, Nancy Travis. Remember her? Neither did I. Sutherland and Bullock are wary travelers, fighting their way through vacation and on their way to some serious making-up. At a rest-area, Bullock disappears, and we don't see the action, which is cool in theory. The audience isn't sure what happened to her, just like her boy-toy. Did Barney get her? Probably, but we don't know how or where he took her.

From there on out, it becomes serious ho-hum time, with Sutherland, three years later, still looking haggard and searching for his long-lost love, and barely dating the heart-of-gold waitress Travis, who's just so darn sick of his obsession with his probably-dead ex girlfriend. The movie slows to a crawl as we learn about Barney's family and get to watch Sutherland sulk. The whole get-to know-the killer aspect is wasted opportunity, and reads pretty boring.

The film has what, I assume, is supposed to be a shocking climax. If you're still awake by the time it rolls around, you may utter something along the lines of "huh," or perhaps a yawn. In fact, if you watched the preview trailer, the only extra on the DVD, they give away the stunning twist (which is then aced, Hollywood style, by the dreaded Happy Ending).

To be fair, "The Vanishing" is well put together, and the acting is fair to good. This film fell in the time-line when Sutherland's career was in the toilet, and before Bullock shot to fame in "Demolition Man" and "Love Potion Number 9." Bridges was probably just looking for something to wash the taste of "The Fabulous Baker Boys" out of his mouth. It's poorly paced and not tight enough to create any tension. The chase through the woods near the climax is reminiscent of a Jason chase, if Jason were a middle-aged accountant and the nubile young teenager was, uh, Nancy Travis. If this were straight to video schlock, it would be passable and almost forgivable. As major studio releases go, you're better off with a heaping helping of "Cold Creek Manor."

The Extras

A trailer that gives away the ending is the only goody. For shame, DVD fairy, for shame.