You’d think that with all the kick-ass DVD boxed sets being released these days that somebody would eventually do a wicked number on all of the Amityville bullshit that has slipped unnoticed into the video marketplace the past 20 years. If some far-sighted distributor could just manage to acquire the original THE AMITYVILLE HORROR from 1979, the angry 2005 remake, the 1982 prequel featuring Burt Young from ROCKY getting all sweaty and crazy, that shitty 3-D Amityville movie, the fistful of TV and straight-to-video Amityville films that littered the 90s, and the billions of Amityville documentaries, well, somebody would be making some serious skrilla, I assure you. Lionsgate makes a half-assed attempt by bunting THE AMITYVILLE COLLECTION into the DVD marketplace, a collection of 3 mediocre-to-cruddy direct-to-DVD films from the 1990s all available in one conveniently forgettable set.

In AMITYVILLE: IT’S ABOUT TIME architect Jacob Sterling returns from a business trip in New York with a tremendous find, an antique pendulum clock which he immediately places on the mantle above the fireplace. Come to find out the clock was acquired from the original haunted-as-balls Amityville house on Long Island so things in the Sterling household go immediately and predictably apeshit.

Jacob’s leg is ravaged by Peaches, a neighborhood dog, and he ends up bedridden for several weeks, doomed to plunge down the crazy straw spiral that all dads living on Planet Amityville must succumb to. Defiant son Rusty, who is strangely well-acquainted with every over-40 female in the neighborhood, attempts to investigate the possessed nonsense that ensues. Jacob grows progressively feverish and evil in the days following the dog attack and the creepy events continue until the predictable finale when—guess what—the clock is destroyed. The movie’s best scene? Easily when young daughter Lisa (the always achingly hot Megan Ward; ARCADE (1993), JOE’S APARTMENT (1996) tricks her horny jock boyfriend into wading into a puddle of flesh-eating black slime by stripping to her bra and panties and posing in the middle of a model train layout. It doesn’t get much hotter than that. 2 and ½ Skulls.

The evil of the Amityville house is channeled through a haunted mirror in AMITYVILLE:THE NEW GENERATION, a gift bestowed on urban photographer Keyes by a random homeless man. The mirror was, of course, obtained from the original house on Long Island, and many of Keyes uptight beatnik friends view horrible things in the mirror before either hanging themselves, or smashing their heads through a pane of glass, or having visions of blowing someone’s face off with a shotgun, et al. Terry O’Quinn (THE STEPFATHER, TV’s LOST) randomly appears at various times throughout the film as a bald yet intuitive detective investigating the mysterious deaths. Evil is vanquished at the end of the film when—guess what—the mirror is destroyed. An exceedingly boring entry in the Amityville canon, The New Generation features a li’l bit o’ nudity and not much else to recommend it. 1 out of 5 Skulls.

Uh oh, here’s comes AMITYVILLE: DOLLHOUSE, looking all sassy with its late 90s aesthetic and TV-movie gore. Watch as Bill and Claire form a Brady Bunch scenario by moving in together with their obnoxious kids from previous marriages. Watch as Bill finds a Amityville-style dollhouse in the old shed and gives it to his daughter for her birthday. Before you know it Claire is masturbating to thoughts of her shirtless stepson, Todd, who happens to be moments away from smashing his burned girlfriend’s head in with a fireplace poker. It sounds cooler than it really is. Bill becomes inexplicably precognizant in the film’s final act and the whole contrived plot comes tumbling down before the movie even had a chance to get up and running, but for continuity’s sake I must admit I was inordinately pleased when the dollhouse was blown up at the end of the film. A particularly weak contribution to the series. 1 out of 5 Skulls.

All 3 films on the DVD are depicted full-screen and without any extras, only chapter stops, not that an in-depth AMITYVILLE:DOLLHOUSE documentary was necessary desired by audience members. The image transfers are okay but Dollhouse is particularly grainy. THE AMITYVILLE COLLECTION might serve the interests of certain collectors and George Lutz enthusiasts, but the general horror fan need not apply. Swimming in mediocrity and laziness, the 3 featured films only enhance the qualities of the better films in the series.