The Unborn Review (SPOILERS)
9:21am, January 9, 2009
Last night, Tim, Keenan and I took in a screening of The Unborn. The film was something I had warmed up to over the past few weeks, after numerous people told me it was good, but it wasn't, or at least, I didn't think it was. I knew Tim was writing up a review for the site and since we both didn't like it and knew we'd be saying almost the exact same thing (as evident by our post-viewing conversation) in our reviews. I was thinking about how I could try to put something a little different together for it and then, opportunity struck. Eric (JoBlo/Arrow In The Head) and I had a rather lengthy IM conversation about The Unborn (through my phone no less... God, I love technology) and it eventually became a joint-review. We had both just finished the film two hours prior and I thought this was a good way to showcase our gut-reaction, without any sort of preparation.
And just so nobody whines, yes, there are SPOILERS.
11:08 PM Eric: You see it?
11:09 PM me: Yeah
Great camel toe
Eric: LOL
You saw it too, eh?
11:10 PM me: That's what I told the studio rep when I walked out
hahahaha
Eric: my whole audience was abuzz about it
me: Who didn't see it?
It was great
So pronounced
Eric: then again, they were laughing their asses off during
the entire thing
me: There was a guy behind us who apparently didn't understand
the phrase, "it goes without saying."
He was commenting about everything
"Oh shit, she's pregnant!"
"Uh Uh, that little kid is possessed!"
Eric: HA someone in my audience said that too
it was like MST3k in my theater
11:12 PM me: It wasn't that bad in mine
But I did laugh quite a bit
It wasn't a good movie
not the worst
but below average
11:13 PM Eric: it was "get pissed off" bad, but it sure was not good
it WASN"T i mean
the most obvious problem being, it simply wasn't scary
I scoffed a lot
me: The creatures were hilarious
Eric: dude did you have the trailer for "Fighting" before it?
me: yeah
that was hilariously bad
Eric: that set the tone right there, as soon as that was over my
audience was in stitches
worst title ever?
11:15 PM me: could be
Eric: cannot believe its actually called Fighting
did you have a Last House trailer?
11:19 PM me: nope
did you?
11:20 PM Eric: no i thought i would
just watched it
me: good, bad, otherwise?
Eric: bleh
weird cover version of Sweet Child of Mine
of course, the whole movie is given away
11:25 PM me: yeah
11:32 PM Eric: Jomby!
soooo scary
11:33 PM me: same name as the fucking floating head in PeeWee's Playhouse
Eric: my fav line went something like: "It has fallen upon you
to finish what was started in Auschwitz."
me: I laughed at that one
11:34 PM Eric: I said out loud "Oh damn thats tough."
me: hahahaha
Eric: and i thought "This might be the line of the year right
here"
11:35 PM me: David Goyer is terrible, I didn't really know what I was
thinking when I said, "it might be good"
Eric: honestly, it was the always-deceptive power of cool promos
for me at least
11:36 PM me: Put that hot chick in anything and it'll look good
How about that climax?
So terrible
Eric: ugh
me: It became an action movie
Eric: and then its like they had no real ending at all
11:37 PM me: The dybbuk just started possessing everyone
Why didn't he just do that from the beginning?
I mean, it did a few people during the movie but it was
really no-holds-barred
Eric: the boyfriend looked like he was stoned throughout the
whole movie.. are we supposed to give a crap about him?
yeah lol
me: hahahaha, so true
He disappeared for like half of the movie
Eric: when i saw the trailer showing the exorcism footage, I
thought Wow they're even ripping off Prince of Darkness
me: Where the fuck did he go when she was dragging her friend
around everywhere?
11:38 PM Eric: lol, you mean her friend with all the "Dudes"
me: yeah
Eric: what ever happened to her?
she got possessed.. and then..
me: Meagan Good?
Eric: yeah
11:39 PM me: I guess when the cops came to the scene, the spirit split
11:40 PM Eric: like everything else, the movie just forgot about it
me: how about that spiderwalk scene with the old man?
Eric: ugh
me: I've never seen that before....
Eric: even if i hadn't seen that about a billion times in the
commercials, it wouldn't have been scary
yeah right lol
its even stealing from the Exorcist's CUT scenes..
me: The special effects were really crappy too
it looked like they photoshopped the heads on upside down
Eric: yeah, and wow those dogs sure were terrifying
OH how about the glory hole scene!
11:42 PM me: Epic
I was disappointed when a penis didn't come through and poke
her in the eye
Eric: seriously, wtf was he thinking?
lol
me: Then again, it wasn't in 3D so it would've been pointless
Eric: haha
11:43 PM me: You do realize I'm posting this entire conversation as my
review on the site
Eric: she's cute as a button but she's got about the range of a
pair of panties
please, feel free
me: a tight, revealing pair of panties
"If you thought her ass looked great on the poster, wait
'til you see her camel toe"
Did you feel it was disturbing in any way?
11:45 PM Eric: not really
me: I remember reading the Platinum Dunes blog where one of the
producers was talking about how it was PG-13, and virtually
bloodless, but had strong and disturbing images
Eric: my mental image of myself in the theater was more
disturbing. I was slumped in my seat with my coat over me
laughing and mumbling like a weird perv
yeah, okay
11:47 PM me: I made a lip smacking sound and said, "Mmmmmm," every time
she ran around half naked
Eric: haha
lovely
me: Everyone laughed... but probably thought I was a gross perv
Which I can be on occasion
But it was totally warranted this time
Eric: I made those pssssshhhhhwwww noises that are like
half-fart noise, half scoff all the time
11:48 PM me: I just had a couple of huge sighs
The only effective scene in the whole film, to me, was when
her friend got stabbed
That was slightly startling
11:49 PM Eric: yeah but that kid sucked
me: I wonder what happened to him
What did they say to those cops?
This kid broke in and stabbed my friend, but he doesn't
remember anything because my great uncle possessed him
Eric: who the hell knows
yeah... those parents sure weren't concerned
me: Why the fuck were they letting him wander around in the
middle of the night?
stabbing people and shit
next thing you know, he'll be peddling coke on the corner!
Eric: especially after their other kid died
me: So, basically, this film had no scares, no real acting, bad
special effects
Eric: that's in in a nutshell
oh and Gary Oldman got a paycheck
me: But had a nice looking lead
What would you give it?
Eric: D
me: I'm thinking like 1.5/5 or 2/5
Eric: oh, well i guess 1.5 out of 4
me: Yeah, I guess that's about what my score would translate to
Eric: even out of 5
i didn't hate it though, i was just bored or giggly during
it
11:55 PM me: What do you think of Goyer now though?
I mean, The Invisible wasn't great either
Neither was Blade:Trinity
Eric: never saw Invisible
me: Now he's supposed to be doing Magneto next
Eric: Blade 3 i didn't like at all
11:56 PM me: Yeah, I only saw bits and pieces
But I didn't like what I saw
User Comments
 | Tex Massacre 9:59am, January 9, 2009
I actually wrote about the "glory hole scene" but I edited it out later. I also edited out some additional trashing of the effects work. That's why that paragraph is shorter!!! But...yeah....we basically said the exact same thing!
I ended up with like 1500 words about how they royally fucked up what was a pretty good concept...before I trimmed the review down!
LOL!!! |
 | PoisonKeyblade 10:52am, January 9, 2009
I screened this last night at my theater. It was just OK. I thought it was a little better than I was expecting, but some scenes were REALLY ridiculous (the glory hole, the old guy twisting up, the dog with the upside down head in the church, etc.) Being generous, I'd give it a B- overall, it kinda made me laugh alot and i screamed one of two times. It definitely kept my interest, but was by no means a GREAT movie. |
 | vic g 5:53pm, January 9, 2009
Please get some real reviewers on this site. |
 | An Experiment In Terror 7:36pm, January 9, 2009
It was mediocre, just kinda dull. The guy behind in the theatre was tremendous, mostly because he uttered the sentence "Oh my God, I want to fuck her" roughly a dozen times. Someone else finally chimed in with a "We know, We know" and I guffawed. Not a good sign when the highlight of a filmgoing experience is a really horny guy. |
 | Chococat 2:58pm, January 10, 2009
lol Vic |
 | jkrouskop 3:51pm, January 10, 2009
Experiment, I hope someone in the theater where I'll be seeing it tonight does the same thing. I just hope it's not me! |
 | BloodFlow 4:11pm, January 10, 2009
THIS REVIEW FUCKING SUCKSSSSSSSS |
 | Horrorholic 4:49pm, January 10, 2009
Wow, apparently some of you guys don't see the humor in posting a chat log. Lazy movie = lazy review. |
| Englundisfreddy 5:10pm, January 10, 2009
Hahaha are you guys kidding? This review was hilarious. It perfectly described my movie-going experience as well, I thought me and my friend were the only ones to notice the cameltoe. We looked over and high fived each other. Yeah, this movie was horrible. Am I the only one that thought the initial theatrical trailer back in like early November on "Role Models" actually looked very frightening? What a letdown. |
| Tex Massacre 5:55pm, January 10, 2009
Everyone noticed the Camel Toe! It's all out theater could talk about.
|
 | Keegsta 11:55pm, January 10, 2009
Best scene EVAR! |
 | ...N.I.B... 11:24pm, January 11, 2009
What poor marketing...That toe should
have been front and center on the trailers...
|
 | Kamui_X 2:13am, January 12, 2009
Dude, stop conversing with guys from JoBlo/AITH...they're awful writing and terrible taste may start to rub-off. |
You have to be logged in to comment!
If you don't have a Zombie Army account register now for free! Your account allows you to post comments, upload videos and images, access or our forums, write personal blogs, and maintain your zombie army profile.
|
